Nox
by Nirvana1
Summary: COMPLETE![YusukeBotan]When did this all happen? I really don’t know. It started with a crush, then suddenly fell into love. But I never realized the feelings I had for him, would somehow become my downfall. [Botan’s POV]
1. Unbreakable

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Title: Nox

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Author: Nirvana

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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

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Rating: R

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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

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Summary: When did this all happen? I really don't know. It started with a crush, then suddenly fell into love. But I never realized the feelings I had for him, would somehow become my downfall. (Botan's POV) 

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners. 

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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, and italics just means dreaming or past events. Enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, enough said. Enjoy. 

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Chapter 1-Unbreakble

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Happiness. It was something that had become a part of me. An experience that swept over me when I was surrounded by all my loved ones. At the moment though, I wasn't having that blissful feeling. It was the end of spring. When the days were longer, lazy, and peaceful. During the spring, the birds chirped louder, the grass was greener, and everyone became more easygoing. But this picture perfect scene I had imagined in my head was crumbling as each drop of rain began to soak my clothes. In the distance, I could hear the steady rumble of thunder, promising a storm. A cold shiver ran down my spine as the ruthless wind played with my hair and the hem of my skirt. 

The small drizzle had now become a downpour and I still refused to move from my spot. It wasn't supposed happen this way, it was the only thing running through my mind. Everything...had been planned out so perfectly that I thought nothing could go wrong. Today, was the last day I would see this school, and him. I was dressed in the girl's uniform, the simple blue skirt and top. Just so no one would suspect, just so I could see him one more time. 

Our adventures were over, and everyone had gone their separate ways. But as hard as I tired, I couldn't let any of our memories go. I didn't want to give up this feeling of being wanted. I didn't want give up feeling of being needed. I didn't want to put on my mask again. I closed my eyes, the familiar sting coming back as the clasp of thunder sounded around me. My uniform was drenched, my hair clung to the sides of my face, and I was cold to the bone. 

I was supposed to tell him I loved him, that was the plan. I knew it wouldn't make a difference, all I wanted was just for him to know. But my determined confrontation had become an all out verbal war between us. All because of what might have happened, what could have happened. What I said...what he said...so horrible. 

"Baka," I murmured harshly. "Baka." I continued on, saying the single word in a chant until I didn't know if I was talking about him or myself. I licked my moist lips, tasting the sweetness of rain and the salt of my tears. Maybe this whole thing was supposed to be a lesson for me, a reality check. Not all things ended with happy endings. Especially in my case. All because I was the Deity of Death. Or maybe it's more than that.

I stood, finally ready to go back to Reikai. I was just about to produce my oar when I heard the loud footfalls of someone coming to the roof. I wished and dreaded that it would be him. But I listened as they came closer, my body shaking uncontrollably. Then the door to the roof slammed open, and with all the courage I had, I gazed below. 

His eyes affected me more than I would let on. They were always hard, merciless, and cruel. But at the same time, warm, caring, and beautiful. I hated the fact that he could make me dizzy when he touched me. I hated that he could see past all the barriers I put up. I hated that I loved him so much. When did this all happen? I really don't know. It started with a crush, then suddenly fell into love. But I never realized the feelings I had for him, would somehow become my downfall. 

"Yusuke," I whispered brokenly, and it was the only thing I would allow before I let the cheerful smile curve my lips. He frowned then; he hadn't bought my charade for a second. But my smile only widened. I wouldn't let him see the pain anymore. I jumped down, more gracefully then I expected, to his eye level. I couldn't help but stare at him in awe. Even with his black hair plastered to his forehead, rivulets of water trickling down his face, and all the emotions from anger to regret reflecting in his orbs, I had never seen him so handsome. 

"You belong with her, ne?" The question was innocent enough but Yusuke looked away from me, his eyes narrowing. I knew he loved her, it was obvious to everyone who knew them. The way he looked into her eyes, the way he touched her with the utmost affection. It was more than words could ever express. The envy I felt did nothing to help. 

Finally, I moved away from him and seated myself on my oar. I was just about to take to the skies when Yusuke suddenly grabbed my hands and pulled me off. I didn't have time to speak, let alone break free before he had me up against the damp wall. His arms blocked my way of escape and all I could see was his intense gaze. His face was only a few millimeters away from mine. The warm puffs of air that escaped from his lips sent warm shivers through my body. Then he spoke. 

"I never said I loved her." His voice was clipped, with a short patience that was quickly wavering. 

"You never needed to, Yusuke." I smiled softly. "I can see it every time you two are together, I know." 

I was shaking again. Every word of comfort and reassurance I murmured to him was killing me. Like a knife that had been shoved into my chest and twisted until all I could do was scream. But the pain never stopped. What happened next brought me out of my self-misery. With uncharacteristic sincerity and clumsiness, Yusuke wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to rest under his chin. 

"I don't know," He began quietly. "I don't know what to do, Botan." He forced a laugh then, attempting to lighten the mood. I was caught off guard when I could barely feel his lips against my ear. "I can deal with you hating me, but...I just don't know what to do about you loving me." From then on, I was never able to figure out how Yusuke knew. But I guess what I felt for him was too obvious. His fingers began to run through my hair and a sigh escaped from my mouth. "Tell me, Botan. What am I supposed to do?" 

With reluctance, I pulled away. But he made sure to keep me in his embrace. I tried to speak. "Yusuke, I-" But I never got to finish my sentence.

In the gentlest of ways, Urameshi Yusuke kissed me. 

Everything ceased to matter, the rain, our wet clothes clinging to our bodies, even the sound of thunder echoing around us. Nothing mattered but this very moment. I lost myself as I willing drowned within the taste of him. It was heady and I was spinning head over heels as I fell deeper and deeper under the spell Yusuke had so flawlessly cast on me. It's was almost like addictive candy, the most expensive in the world. I only wished for more as his hands roamed my sides, his tongue plundered my mouth, and our bodies molded so deliciously together. 

But Yusuke and I had never expected to be interrupted until it was too late. The door to the roof creaked open, and we both froze. 

"Yusuke?" Keiko stood only a few feet away, her eyes wide with disbelief. And I watched, guilt creeping up on me, as the first tear sped down her face. And another, and another...

-

The screeching of a car pulled me out of my slumber. I clutched at the end of my oar for balance as I tried to calm my pounding heart. I wasn't going to lie; this was not the first time I had had that vivid daydream. Even though all of it took place months ago, it was still fresh in my thoughts. My wet clothes, Yusuke's eyes staring into my own, and the single yet passionate kiss we shared. It was still there, in the back of mind as one of my most treasured memories. 

At first, I had tired to ignore it, but now, it came almost every night. Maybe I just missed him more than I actually thought I would. I sighed in frustration and finally caught my breath as I looked around me. Gratefully, I hadn't fallen asleep for too long. It was raining, but I was shielded from the pouring mist by a tree. The cold air chilled my frame and each time I inhaled, my chest would ache. 

It didn't take me long to realize why I was in Ningenkai. It was Koenma-sama's assignment for me. I shifted my eyes to the narrow and slick highway to see a car revering from side to side. A sudden wave of nausea came over me; I knew what would happen. It almost seemed too predictable. I watched, my hands grasping at my oar with all my strength as the car finally made a sharp turn. I looked away when the sound of the vehicle hitting the metal ramp reached my ears before falling off the steep cliff. The loud splash confirmed my worst fears. 

Sighing again, I finally looked down at the small lake where the car was now floating, but gradually sinking. The sound for miles was the pounding rain and my shaky breaths. Finally, a young woman broke through the water's murky surface. In her arms were a small child and an elderly woman. She caught her breath for a few moments before she began to kick.

I found it more than amazing that a woman of her small size could carry so much weight on her back. I could see the anxiety in her eyes, and the fear; and I wished with all my might that I could alter this moment. The woman reached the shore and placed both the child and the elderly woman on the ground. 

"Okaasan, wake up!" It only took a few moments, but the old woman did, coughing water as she did so. The younger woman, obviously the daughter, smiled momentarily before she went to the girl next to her. Placing her hands together, she began to press down on the girl's chest. The words 'wake up' would spill from her lips every so often. 

I continued to stare on as the woman tried to revive the child. It wasn't fair that I had to watch this and not have the power to interfere. It didn't' take long before the elderly woman started to cry, her sobs muffled. But they seemed so loud to me with each ragged breath she took. And slowly, her daughter joined her but would not stop pressing down on the girl's chest. 

"Hanae!" She exclaimed abruptly. "Wake up! Please, listen to your Okaasan and wake up!" But we all knew it was in vain. Finally, in a shout of anger, the woman stopped and crawled towards her own mother for comfort. Together, they began to cry anew. 

I reached into the sleeve of my pink kimono and pulled out a small, black book. I skimmed through it for a moment before I found the name I was looking for. With reluctance, I looked next to me to see the girl called Hanae sitting beside me. She had black hair, and eyes that were just as dark. But what I noticed the most was her beauty for a child so young. Most girls, who had just died, would have been frantic. But she was strangely calm, watching the two women mournfully cry for her. She glanced at her dead body. Her hair tousled and soaked and her skin as pale as white snow. 

Eventually, Hanae looked at me with curiosity. "Am I dead?" She asked. I nodded solemnly. It would have been a good time for me to reassure the girl that she would be all right, but I couldn't bring myself to be bubbly and cheerful. It just seemed too much of a hassle, and I felt, it wouldn't help the situation either. Hanae spoke again. "It felt so weird, dying." She huddled herself into a ball as she began to float a few inches from the branch. "I remember the car shaking and then the water. I was drowning, going deeper into the lake. I felt all this water, filling my lungs. I tried to scream but I couldn't. It...hurt a lot. But then, it stopped and I felt like I...I..." Hanae never finished, but she smiled weakly. "What's your name?" 

"Botan," I said, returning her smile. "I'm your guide to Reikai." 

"What's that?" 

"Spirit world, your new home." 

Hanae looked down at the two women, her eyes watering. The realization was now coming together. "Can 'kaasan and Obaasan come?" 

Slowly, I pulled her into a soft embrace and stroked her hair. "I'm afraid not, but look at it this way. They'll eventually be with you. Just not now. You will meet them again, I promise you that Hanae." With one last glance to the women, I soared into the dreary skies with Hanae in my arms. Not once did she try to push herself away from me. She seemed to understand everything without trying to change it. 

We flew through the gray clouds, and gradually, they became white as we began to enter Reikai. I hated and loved coming here. Sometimes the souls I brought back with me died in the saddest of ways. Yet they always met death with peace instead of resentfulness. It would take everything in me not to cry for them, cry with them. I am the Deity of Death, a ferry girl, and things like this were not supposed to affect me this much. 

I glanced down at Hanae, her head was still buried in my kimono, but her tears had stopped awhile ago. To cheer us both up, I spoke. "May I ask you something?" She nodded; the same curiosity filled her depthless eyes. "What did you like the most?" 

A single tear slid down her pale cheek, and I never found out if it was from joy or remorse. But I could sympathize. My question, to me, held so much meaning. For the short time I had known her, Hanae's smile had never been so breathtaking. She answered in a whisper, her voice laced with awe. "The sakura blossoms...in the spring." 

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As soon as I had taken care of my assignment, I headed towards my final destination for the day, The Palace of Reikai. It was the place where all ferry girls, inexperienced or not, lived. Eventually I reached the two enormous doors. They gradually opened and I stepped in, walking slowly and purposely. The hustle and bustle around me fell deaf to my ears. I just wanted to tell Koenma-sama my shift was a success and head to my room for some much needed sleep. 

I found him sitting at his desk, eyes narrowed in annoyance as he stamped each paper with his approving signature. He stopped once he noticed my presence and I bowed respectively and muttered a greeting. Usually when I came to Koenma, I was more than ecstatic. For some reason though, I couldn't get a hold of myself. I was pensive, physically and mentally exhausted, and I wanted to be alone when ever I wasn't. Koenma-sama must have noticed it too. 

"Botan, daijoubu desu ka?" A flicker of worry came to his young eyes before it vanished. 

I smiled, trying to act as clueless as possible. "Hai, Koenma-sama! I'm fine. Why do you ask?" But my attempt was a failure as he frowned at me. My smile faded instantly and I looked away from him. My vision was becoming too blurry and I looked at the ceiling to keep the tears from coming. I heard the pitter-patter of his footfalls as he approached me. 

"What's wrong with you? Don't think I'm not the only one who's noticed it. You're not acting like yourself, Botan. You've been like this for weeks. Did something happen during your trip to Ningenkai?" 

My hands balled into fists, I couldn't take it anymore. I shook my head. "Nothing out of the ordinary, Koenma-sama. Everything was fine, if you'll excuse me; I'm going to go head for my room." 

I turned and literally sprinted out of his office. I barely made it to my room before I broke down. I am a Deity, I would mumble from time to time, this isn't supposed to bother me. It isn't supposed to hurt this much. I gripped tightly at my bed sheets as a loud sob escaped from my lips. So caught up in myself, I never noticed the brown eyes that watched me in hidden sympathy. 

"It's Hanae, isn't?" Koenma asked so gently. In his hands was a folder of what I assumed to be her file. "The way she died...it's what's making you so upset." He always did have a knack for knowing what was wrong with me. I glanced up, my vision was still hazy but I could make out his tall frame. No longer the little 'toddler' but a young adult. 

I looked away from him, biting down on my lip. "She was only eight, Koenma-sama." I murmured. "The way she looked at me, I can't stop thinking about it. She didn't deserve it...and I knew I couldn't help her..." The Reikai prince slowly sat on my bed, but gave me enough room. He waited patiently until my crying ceased. I sucked in a quick breath before wiping the tears away from my face. 

"There was something I needed you to do for me." He said with a slight frown still curving his lips. "But you need a break, I see that now. I can always get Ayame or-" 

"Iie," I shook my head vigorously. "I can handle it, Koenma-sama. Just tell me what I need to do." 

He was hesitant for a moment but he finally nodded. "I've been noticing some high levels of spirit energy coming from Ningenkai. I thought at first it could be some kind of mistake, but I'm seeing it more and more often. I haven't had any time to put in more investigation and so I wanted you to take care of it. Can you, Botan?" I nodded and he continued on. "Here's all the information I have," Out of thin air; another folder appeared in Koenma's hands. He gave it to me. "it's the basic things. But please, just find out more about it. Don't do anything risky."

"Of course, Koenma-sama." I held the folder close to me and bowed my head. I was surprised though when he placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled. "I hope you feel better soon." He nodded before standing and starting for his office. But he stopped and glanced at me. "By the way, Botan. It's around Yusuke's area, so tell him to help you with this."

I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry. "What about the others? Kurama, Hiei, and Kuwa-" 

Koenma shook his head, turned and started walking again. "I don't need that much assistance with the problem. You and Yusuke should be enough." 

I waited until I could no longer hear his footsteps before I fell back onto the sheets of my bed. My knees were weak, my heart was racing, and I knew was blushing. But I couldn't help but smile. I was going to see him again. 

-

As far back as I can remember; my mother's apartment, I never liked to call it my own, was always swarmed with torn magazines and empty cans. The refrigerator was filled with sliced lemons and half-empty glasses of sake that were never finished. Bottles of dark liquor were stored in the cabinets and her packets of cigarettes hastily hidden under the cushions of the couch. She kept her bedroom door locked with deadbolts, where no one, especially me, could get inside. Her room held so many secrets that even I didn't know about. But the ironic thing was, the living room had somehow become her own territory. The air was heavily scented with cigarette smoke, and every time she talked to me, I smelt nothing but beer from her incessant drinking. 

It was past midnight when I came home and found her on the sofa, unconscious and muttering nonsense from time to time. I wanted to leave, I needed to leave. But it was the same woman who made me feel this way, who kept me from doing so. I couldn't stand living with her, but I would never imagine life without her. I started for my room, but barely got two steps in before Okaasan's eyes opened and focused on me. 

"Yusuke," She slurred out, her gaze went to the clock before meeting mine again. "where have you been?" 

"Out." I responded, she never needed to know. I like to keep where I come and go my business anyway. She struggled to get up and finally seated herself in an upright position. I watched as she reached into the couch and pull out a pack of cigarettes. She looked at them carefully before she looked at me again. 

"You're not smoking these, are you?" Okaasan asked. She had made me swear never to, but I couldn't say that I had shamelessly broken her promise a few days ago. I guess it had been too much of a temptation. Not even waiting for my answer, she took a match and lit the tobacco. I tried to breathe in as much of it as possible. 

From time to time, my gaze would shift around the cramped room, memorizing everything over again. We never did have any photographs of family. But as far as I was concerned, I had no family except for Okaasan. She had talked about distant relatives yet she never labeled or identified them. In some enthusiastic moments, she must have thought their nameless lives and unrecognizable faces would make me feel better. It never did.

But I knew of one picture, one that had us together. Just a few weeks after I was born. I remember the look on Okaasan's face. The way her eyes glistened with warmth and how her face literally glowed in radiance. I was exciting, she explained once before. Passive at times but always amazed by everything. Still and fondly, Okaasan likes to call me her 'love child'. I would always narrow my eyes, look away from her, and mutter back that I was her mistake, her undoing. The person that made her life fall apart.

She had finished her first cigarette and had moved on to the second. She stood, walking clumsily towards the refrigerator to find another can of liquor. While she wasn't looking I grabbed the nearest pack from under the cushions. I could never tell her, she didn't need to know. Okaasan strolled back over to the living room and seated herself; her glazed eyes came back to me. 

"Yusuke, go to bed. You have school in the morning, ne?" 

"Hai." I answered and I said my goodnight before heading to my room. I locked the door behind me and headed towards my open window. I stepped into the darkness not even giving another glance backwards. It would be morning before I decided to come back. 

- 

I looked at myself from each shop window I passed, completely transfixed by my new appearance. Koenma-sama had suggested that I go in a disguise, just so I could blend in with the crowd. It was surprising, I concluded. With a few ningen things, a person could change into whomever they wanted. I was dressed in a simple white, floral-print shirt with a matching skirt. And a purse to top it all off. My eyes were no longer the gentle lavender I remembered, but instead a hazel that reminded me of Yusuke's eyes. My hair was still the same trademark color; except that it now fell just below my knees. It wasn't the biggest change, but enough to make me a little more discrete. 

There were those times I yearned to be someone else. That someone being Keiko. She seemed to have everything a guy could desire. Beauty, intelligence, compassion, and much more. But the most valuable thing of all was, she had captured Yusuke's affection. To me, that was biggest prize of all. For one day, I would have died a million deaths to be her. To have Yusuke look at me like I was the most important thing to him. To have his love, emotionally and physically. Just once, have him tell me that he loved me. 

I glanced away from my altered reflection and kept to my task. I did have an assignment to complete. I opted to investigate by myself before going for help. And besides, I was still too afraid to confront Yusuke. Hopefully, I wouldn't regret my decision. It was never a wise idea for me to be wondering the streets this late at night. 

I led myself through the crowded and humid streets. As I wandered into the deepest parts of the city; I came across young adults and teenagers looking for a good time. I continued walking, the pounding music from nightclubs sounding in my ears. I was getting closer and closer to my destination. Suddenly, I leaned against a near by wall as a wave of dizziness came over me. I knew I had been walking for hours and now my legs ached and my hair was damp from perspiration. To say the least, I was tired. I stayed there for a few minutes and let the exhaustion fade away before I pushed my body away from the building. I never had the chance to take my first step before someone grabbed me and pulled inside a dark alley. 

I tried to scream, but a calloused hand struck my cheek, keeping me from doing so. My eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness and I came face to face with five, hideous looking men. Not including the one holding me. The person that had slapped me looked me over through half-lidded eyes. He smiled, flashing his stained, yellow teeth. 

"Aren't you beautiful," He commented. His hand reached out to touch me but I moved my face away, giving him my coldest glare. His smile only widened as he looked at the other men. He brushed his fingers along my blouse. "Don't you dare try to scream," He glanced back and I followed his gaze. The tallest of the men, and the ugliest by far, was holding a bat. He stroked it meaningfully. "or we'll probably kill you." 

I was afraid, but I wouldn't let my fear show. I couldn't be weak, I refused to be. I kept my eyes on the man talking to me, but my hand was fumbling inside my purse. A small smile curved my lips as I found the things I was looking for. The man stopped talking once he saw my expression. He smirked. 

"And what are smiling about?" He sneered. 

"Nothing really," I responded. "only this!" 

Within seconds, I had pulled out my pocketknife and a bottle of pepper spray. With all my might, I stabbed the person who held me captive. He grabbed his arm, yelling and swearing as blood gushed from his wound. But I had no time to waste. I ran deeper into the alley, hoping my legs would carry me as fast as I could go. I heard their heavy footfalls becoming louder and louder by the second. I abruptly stopped; I had reached a dead end. Slowly, I turned around, grasping the bottle in my hands. I watched as each one found me and started approaching. I was shaking. Breathe, I said to myself, breathe. There's no use being scared. But I couldn't help it. 

The man I had stabbed came to me first, and in a speed I didn't realize he could possess, knocked the only protection I had away from me. I looked on as the bottle rolled and hit a few rusty trashcans. I stepped back, pushing myself against the wall. He grabbed my arm and struck me so hard that I felt the air rushing away from my lungs. 

"Bitch," He muttered nastily. "just for stabbing me, I'll make sure you don't enjoy this." 

I shrieked as he pulled me down to the dirt pavement. He towered over me, keeping me in place with his weight. I was more than panicked now as he tore the buttons from my blouse and ripped my skirt. Curling my hands into fists, I began to beat at his chest. He howled in laughter, each of the men joining him. He reached down and pulled at the zipper of his pants. 

This can't be happening, this can't be happening. It was the only thought running through my mind. I just wanted this to stop. I wrapped my legs together, but the man easily pulled them apart and spread them until I was screaming in pain. With his one hand, he grabbed both of my wrists and kept them in place. I let my eyes drift to the gray sky, the first drops of rain hitting my cheeks. Why, I wondered, drowning in my thoughts. Why do I always think of him when it rains? 

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I can deal with you hating me, but...I just don't know what to do about you loving me. Yusuke's voice rung in my ears as my eyes closed. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my face. _Tell me Botan, what am I supposed to do? _

"I wish you were here, Yusuke." I whispered. "Please tell me what I'm supposed to do."

I looked away from the sky as the drizzle became heavier. The man above me had finally unzipped his pants. I tensed in anticipation at the oncoming pain. Then...

"Get your hands off her!" 

The man stopped and looked around and I did the same. My eyes landed on a shadowed figure. I squinted, trying to see his face but I couldn't. His voice sounded so familiar...but it couldn't be. 

"Did you hear me or are you just deaf?" The figure came closer, a nearby light post casting over him. But he stopped walking just before I could see his face. My heart suddenly skipped a beat. "I said, get the hell off her!" 

The other men were now approaching the stranger, in their hands weapons of all sorts. I turned away; expecting the person who was trying to save me to be killed right on the spot. It wasn't long before I heard a strangled yell, the sickening sound of bones cracking, and fists connecting with flesh before I looked again. Each man had fallen, and the stranger remained unharmed. My eyes widened in hope. 

The man on top of me stumbled backwards and began running for his life. But he never got too far. In one extraordinary leap, the stranger came down on the man with a solid kick to his neck. He gasped, coughing up blood before he fell with a hard thud. I couldn't tell if he was still alive or not. Someone I didn't even know had rescued me. I was just about to thank him, but he turned around and stared at me. 

I could see his face clearly now. Found myself memorizing the different but so familiar features again. Everything from happiness to sorrow passed through me before I finally whispered his name. 

"Yusuke..."

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Author's Notes: Okay, that's it for chapter one. That was quite long, and not bad if I do say so myself. So please, readers, review! Tell me what you think? Good? Bad? Too serious? OOC? Or just right? I've always loved Yusuke and Botan together and even though some others say that Yusuke is meant to be with Keiko, is it really that impossible for him not to fall in love with Botan? I think not! Besides, anything's possible in fanfiction. Honestly, I believe the real reason why I've started writing this fic was because I wanted to take Yusuke and Botan's relationship to a more serious level. Even though it was never really displayed in the anime, I'm sure there could have been a little attraction between Yusuke and Botan if Yusuke had not already been in love with Keiko. But in addition, I want to make how they fall in love with each other, believable and just plain enjoyable for all readers. 

Okay, I'm done talking for now. Please, don't forget to review and hopefully, I will have the next update in soon. 'Til next time, see ya! 

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	2. Aishiteru

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Title: Nox  


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Author: Nirvana  


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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan  


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Rating: PG-13...later to be rated R  


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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation  


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Summary: Every time I look at Yusuke, I'm always reminded that I can never have him. He always seemed like the unattainable, my forbidden fruit. Something I would always crave for physically and emotionally.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.   


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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy. 

A very special thank you to Cat Youkai. How can there be a great story without a great beta-reader!   
  
  
  
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Chapter 2-Aishiteru  
  
  
  
  
  
**_"Yusuke?" Keiko stood only a few feet away, her eyes wide with disbelief. And I watched, guilt creeping up on me, as the first tear sped down her face. And another, and another...  
  
  
  
_

Yusuke's arms around my waist fell to his sides as he looked at Keiko. I was expecting him to tell her it was an accident. I was expecting him to say that he was sorry. I was even expecting him to say that he loved only her. But instead, he stood his ground, watched her, and said nothing. An eerie silence fell upon all of us before Keiko finally stepped closer, her tears still falling. She stopped suddenly as her breath hitched.   
  
  
  


But what caught me by surprise was her bright smile. "I'm such a fool." She murmured more to herself than to us. Her head lowered, her chocolate bangs shadowing her eyes. The smile that curved her lips faded instantly. "Yusuke, if something was going on between you and Botan, you didn't need to hide it." She was shaking now. "I would have understood." Keiko covered her face with her hands as the first, uncontrollable sob racked her body.   
  
  
  


Yusuke walked towards her. "Keiko, I-"   
  
  
  


She shook her head, silencing him completely. From what I could tell she did not want to hear one of his excuses. It was plain obvious we had been caught. But even though I felt more guilty than I ever had in my life, I knew I was not regretful. But I felt like an intruder, like the person who had deliberately and shamelessly let this happen. Just because of my own greed. Keiko, unable to hold herself up, leaned against the nearby door, her gaze never leaving Yusuke's. With a little more bravery then last, he tried to speak.   
  
  
  


"Listen, Keiko-"   
  
  
  


"You said you loved me." It was such a low mutter that I barely heard it.   
  
  
  


Confused, I glanced over at Yusuke to see that he was looking anywhere else but at me. I didn't understand. He had just said that he never loved her. So why...?  
  
  
  


At that moment, it was like I had been slapped. Reality hit me so hard that I felt my knees almost give out beneath me. A memory from long ago seeped into my thoughts. I remember...  
  
  
  


****

It had occurred months ago, after Yusuke had just returned from a rather dangerous case. But the whole ordeal didn't seem to phase him in the least; he was in such high spirits. I was curious and even though I knew I shouldn't, I had followed him. I was completely and naively struck by my newfound feelings for him.  
  
  
  


Winter had been at its peak then. Everything from roads to trees was covered in a blanket of snow while lakes were frozen in ice. The sky was a deep shade of blue, decorated with the twinkle of distant stars. I had watched, torn between sorrow and jealousy, as Yusuke and Keiko walked along the sidewalk heading towards their homes. But I made sure to keep myself hidden; I didn't want to be discovered just yet. At one point, I would have been more than happy to see them spending some time together. Now, things were so different.   
  
  
  


I turned my eyes away from the pair, and looked up to see the first flake of snow brush against my cheek. It wasn't long before the ice crystals began to fall more rapidly. I shifted my attention away from the sky at hearing Yusuke's voice.   
  
  
  


"Aw come on, Keiko." He called grinning wildly as he kicked his foot into a deep puddle of slush sending an arc of water splashing on the ground. In his hands was a snowball that he threw at Keiko, which hit the sleeve of her coat.  
  
  
  


It seemed so clear why Yusuke had been so exultant. He had wanted to see Keiko. But besides that, there was something else. When he was sure that no one was around or watching, he would show a side to him that could take anyone's breath away. He would be so carefree, so uplifted. I wanted so much to share his happiness with him.   
  
  
  


"But it's snowing." Keiko said softly unable to help smiling uncertainly at his enthusiasm. She tired to scold him half-heartily. "You'll catch a cold. Then it will give you an excuse to skip school."   
  
  
  


"So what, that's the fun it." His grin became a wicked smirk as a certain glint came to his eyes. "Come on, a little snow won't hurt you."  
  
  
  


Before Keiko knew what was happening, Yusuke had grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him. Away from her protective awning and into the falling snow. I watched as she let herself give into him completely, laughing uncontrollably as he twirled her.  
  
  
  


"What's gotten into you, Yusuke?" Keiko inquired. They had stopped twirling now, both breathing hard and smiling brightly. "You're acting so-?"  
  
  
  


"Can't a guy be in a good mood?" He answered gently with his own question.   
  
  
  


I felt a sudden wave of dread come over me as Keiko lowered her gaze to look at her and Yusuke's entwined hands. A pretty tint of pink stained her cheeks.  
  
  
  


"Yeah, I guess so." She whispered with a nod. "But-"  
  
  
  


"Keiko?" Yusuke's voice had dropped to a mumble. His brief, ecstatic mood was gone and replaced with a seriousness I had never heard before. The inevitable had arrived. Keiko looked up at him...  
  
  
  


And just like that.   
  
  
  


He kissed her.   
  
  
  


I watched helplessly, my heart sinking with each passing second. Part of me felt no anger, no sadness, no envy. Nothing. But the other part of me wanted to cry and scream. Demand that he tell me why he was doing this to me. But all I knew was that Yusuke was kissing her, Keiko, and not me. Eventually he pulled away from her, smiling more brightly before he murmured to her, "I love you."   
  
  
  


Silently, I flew away from the couple and sailed into the skies. I remember turning to take a quick glimpse at them.   
  
  
  


I remember Yusuke watching me as I left.   
  
  
  


__

He lied to me, I thought, my eyes become too blurry for me to see. He lied to me. But Keiko's voice interrupted my musings.   
  
**   
  
**

"Why do you do this to me, Yusuke?" Keiko whispered. "Whenever you show some kind of affection towards me, something more than just brotherly, you always give me this hope." Her eyes became wistful as she looked up at him. "You make me believe that maybe...maybe something will happen between us." Her voice rose to a yell. "Then you throw it back in my face!"   
  
  
  


I looked on as Yusuke opened his mouth to respond then he closed it and turned his eyes to the ground. I was more than guilty about what I was doing to them. I was the one breaking up their relationship, possibly their friendship. But I could no longer deny my feelings. I am in love with Yusuke. No one could ever take that away from me. But on the other hand, Keiko, over the years, had become not only my best friend but also a sister. We had been through so much together, good and bad. And here I was, as my appreciation for her friendship, taking away the person she loved so dearly. But someone, anyone tell me how could I not have the person I cared for the most? How could I give him up?   
  
  
  


Keiko took a slow, ragged breath and finally she looked at me. I don't know how much time passed. Maybe a minute, maybe ten, but finally she pushed the roof's door open and began to quickly descend the stairs. Yusuke went after her.   
  
  
  


I didn't realize I was crying until my eyes began to sting.  
  
  
  


Do something, my mind demanded. Don't let him walk away from you. Tell him how you feel.  
  
  
  


Before I even realized what I was doing, I began running after him. I didn't care anymore if Yusuke was in love with someone else. I didn't care that we could never be together. I didn't care that he would probably never see me the way he saw Keiko. All I wanted was for him to know. I spotted him only a few feet away and pushed myself harder to reach him. I extended my hands and grasped the sleeves of his shirt. He froze before he started to struggle.   
  
  
  


"Botan let go of me!" Yusuke exclaimed. "Botan!"   
  
  
  


"I won't," I responded firmly. "not until you listen to me, Yusuke."   
  
  
  


"Botan let me go! I'm not going to ask you again!" But even though his voice boomed with anger, he made no more movements to free himself from my hold.   
  
  
  


Instead of letting go, my grip on his sleeves only tightened as I leaned my head against his back. For a few moments, I said nothing. If this was going to be the last time I could feel him next to me, then I was going to enjoy it. I closed my eyes as my arms wrapped and around his torso, I finally declared what I had held back for so long.   
  
  
  


"I love you;" It felt like a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders. "Aishiteru," I repeated. My fingertips crept up to his wrinkled collar. "But...if you love me," I paused with uncertainty. "if you care for me at all...please don't tell me now." From underneath my palm, I could feel his heart beat, strong and unwavering. When was the last time I got to hold him like this? Far too long, was my only answer. Yusuke was silent for what seemed like forever. Finally, I felt his hand hold mine. He gently squeezed my fingers and I squeezed back.   
  
  
  


Gradually, my grip on him loosened and he pulled away from me. His eyes met mine. "You love me," Yusuke whispered. Then one of those rare, mournful smiles curved his lips. "I already knew that you did, Botan."   
  
  
  


Then, without another word, he turned away and started running again. Farther away from me and closer to her. It was Yusuke's decision and I could no longer keep him from making it.   
  
  
  


He had chosen Keiko.  
  
  
  
  
  


-  
  
  
  
  
  


How did she know my name? I stared at her for a few moments, fully aware that I had never seen this girl before. Carefully, I stepped towards her, and as I got nearer, her features became more familiar. Crouching down to her eye level, I looked more closely. Before I even knew what I was doing, my hand reached up to touch her face. She seemed like glass to me. So fragile that if I even brushed my hand against her cheek, she would shatter into thousands of pieces. But when my hand did finally touch her skin, I was pretty sure who I was looking at. The hair gave her away.   
  
  
  


"Botan," My voice held no question as to who she was. But still, she smiled and nodded. I looked away from her for a second to glance at the man who had tried and almost did rape her. If I had been a second slower, if I hadn't heard her scream...  
  
  
  


"Yusuke?" I looked back at Botan again, finally noticing the dark bruise on her cheek and her blood-caked lip. "Are you all right?"   
  
  
  


I tried to smile, but it came out all wrong. "I should be asking you that." I stood and held out my hand to her. She took it and attempted to stand but abruptly gave a yelp of pain before she was falling again. I caught her with ease.   
  
  
  


"It's my ankle," Botan concluded, she winced when my hand reached down and moved it ever so slightly. "it must be sprained." She was more than surprised when I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She looked away for a moment before she wrapped her arms around my neck for balance. "How long will it take to get to your apartment?" She asked. "I can explain everything there."   
  
  
  


"Not too long," I replied. Botan nodded and a frown curved her lips. "What's wrong?"   
  
  
  


She looked at me directly before she leaned in closer. I felt myself shiver when her warm breath swept past my ear. "It's been two years, Yusuke." Her grip on me tightened as she moved away, smiling faintly. Botan was trying to remind me of everything...but not so much through words. I admit it was uncomfortable and nerve wrecking to see her again. After what happened the last time we were together, and now...  
  
  
  


"We should get going." I muttered and Botan nodded without complaint.   
  
  
  


But before I could even take the first step, her arms lightly draped around my shoulders. My eyes widened when Botan's fingers began to rake through my hair as her cheek pressed against mine. I could have sworn I felt tears but it could have just been the rain. Even over the loud thunderclaps and the ruthless wind, I could still hear her soft words.  
  
  
  


"He would have raped me," She said in a deathly hush. "This couldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening." I felt her lips curve into smile. "That was the only thing I could think about. All I wanted was for him to stop. I just wanted to be left alone." Botan desperately held me, trying with all her will to make me understand. "If you hadn't been near by, if you hadn't come down that alley..." I knew she was crying when I felt the first hot droplets stream my cheek. "Thank you, Yusuke."   
  
  
  


There was nothing I could say to make her feel better. And I've found, over time, that words of reassurance does not always work. Instead, I hugged her to the point that there was virtually no space between us. In return, Botan, slowly but surely, let her face nuzzle into my neck while she placed her head on my shoulder. My heart was pounding, I could barely breathe, and I knew I was shaking. All I could think about was this, what was happening right now. The way her hands slid down to my neck. The way she inhaled and exhaled shallow breaths. I suddenly realized that during these two years, not having Botan here had affected me more than I let myself believe. All this time, I had wanted to see her, needed to feel her next to me.   
  
  
  


I knew that I had missed being this close to her.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
-  
  
  
  
  


It was near dawn when we reached Yusuke's apartment. We had said nothing to each other all the while. For me, I didn't think seeing him again would be this frustrating and exciting. Part of me had missed his presence far beyond words, but the other part of me had wanted to stay away from him. There were those times I would wonder what life would be like without him. Every time I look at Yusuke, I'm always reminded that I can never have him. He always seemed like the unattainable, my forbidden fruit. Something I would always crave for physically and emotionally.  
  
  
  


Yusuke managed, with a bit of difficulty, to pull out his keys and unlock the front door. He quickly walked through the living room, and I caught a brief look at his mother, who was lying on the couch sleeping soundly. A silver flask, which was probably alcohol, was clutched tightly in her hands. Using his foot, Yusuke pushed open his bedroom door before he gently placed me on his bed.  
  
  
  


"I think Okaasan has some old clothes I can give you." He said this while he took off his damp jacket. He headed for the door. "I'll be back."   
  
  
  


Once I heard the soft click, I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I was sinking into my depression state again. For some reason, being here was doing this to me and I didn't understand why. For days on end, I had dreamt of nothing but coming back to Ningenkai to see Yusuke. I couldn't get him out of my head. Every waking moment, he invaded my thoughts. Yusuke had become my fixation because I could never leave him alone. Life without him seemed insignificant. My eyes drifted to window, memorizing daybreak for the millionth time over. Thin clouds burned gold and red from the slowly rising sun. The gray sky had faded into a beautiful amethyst and the stars were making their silent departure. A small smile graced my lips.   
  
  
  


Then the sudden feel of icy fingers on my legs brought my contemplation to a halt. I stiffened as those same fingers slowly trailed up to my knees, leaving cold drops of water in their wake. Out of instinct, I reached out and grabbed the offending hands and noticed the ice pack on my knees. I looked up to see Yusuke looking at me with the surprise that was etched on my face as well.   
  
  
  


"Your knees," He began quietly, his eyes never leaving mine. "They were bleeding badly. It's stopped for now. But I got the ice pack just in case."   
  
  
  


Half of what he said barely reached my ears. I was afraid this would happen. I was scared that I would stare into Yusuke's brown orbs and never be able to look away. I could never admit it, but there was always this unspoken tension between us. At first, I tired to ignore it, yet it was always there. Whenever we would accidentally or purposely touch. From the brush of our hands to a kiss, the feeling would still linger on. This scenario only proved it. Eventually, I nodded and looked away from Yusuke and instead gazed at his hands.   
  
  
  


A few more minutes passed before he spoke. "Does Koenma have another case for me?"   
  
  
  


I glanced at him then back at his hands. "Yes, but I can explain all of that later." Yusuke didn't seem bothered by this but instead turned his focus to my ankle. Lifting it up with the utmost care, he began to wrap it with bandages he had retrieved. I wanted to talk about something; the silence between us was driving me crazy. An idea came to me. "How are you?" Even though it was a ridiculous question, it was at least a start.   
  
  
  


Yusuke looked up at me and merely shrugged his shoulders. "Fine, I guess."   
  
  
  


"What about school?"   
  
  
  


Yusuke frowned. "If failing all my classes is all right with you, then it's okay." I smiled. From there, we both started to relax and talk more freely. Just from speaking with him, I felt like I was on cloud nine. What even made it more worthwhile was his effort to keep our conversation going. I already felt better. But my next question would bring back the tension tenfold. It slipped from my mouth before I could stop myself.   
  
  
  


"How's Keiko?"   
  
  
  


Yusuke stopped wrapping my ankle and I felt my heart race with apprehension. I had to be the stupidest person in world. How could I ask him that? It was none of my business, I had only seem him tonight and-  
  
  
  


"She's okay, as far as I know." He answered quietly. To my astonishment, there wasn't a hint of anger in his voice. But I was confused about what he meant. He stood up but didn't look at me. "Keiko and I...broke up a few months ago. I mean, we're still best friends. We still talk to each other. But...there was always this..." He sighed. "Things never really got back to normal between us." It was all my fault. I did this to them. I made them end their relationship because I wanted to be selfish like everyone else. Yusuke turned to gaze at me, and it was almost as if he read my thoughts when he said, "It wasn't your fault, Botan, if that's what you're thinking. Keiko and I just didn't work out." He laughed. "It happens all the time."   
  
  
  


When he stared at me, I couldn't tell if he was trying to cheer himself up or me. The look in eyes told me there something more to it than just Yusuke's explanation. I still wasn't convinced. But even through my guilty conscience, I felt this swell of hope. Maybe there was this chance for us. Maybe...I shook my head mentally. No, I thought stubbornly, I couldn't think about that now.   
  
  
  


"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I had no right to ask you that."   
  
  
  


Yusuke waved his hand dismissing the topic before he sat down next to me on the bed. "Tell me about the case instead."   
  
  
  


"It would be better if I explained while you are in school." I noticed the questionable look he gave me before I continued. "Don't worry, it will be clearer once we get to your school. But for now, I'm just going to tell you about the general things. Koenma-sama believes that this particular investigation might take awhile. So, he has arranged for me to stay here in Ningenkai."  
  
  
  


"Does he mean here, with me?" Yusuke's expression was blank. So it was hard for me to tell what he was thinking.   
  
  
  


I shook my head, the tiniest of blushes coming to my cheeks. "I have my own apartment and I'll be attending your high school, posing as a regular girl who was just transferred. I cannot leave until the case is solved; the amount of time it takes could be a few days to a few months. But I will be reporting the details to Koenma-sama frequently. He also believes that the case should not be too significant that we'll need Hiei-san, Kurama-san, and Kuwa-chan's help. He thought your assistance would be enough. But if we feel the need, we can tell them what's happening." I paused before I continued. "Before you found me, Yusuke..." I trailed off as a shudder passed through me. "I had been looking through the city for anything out of the ordinary.

I ran my fingers through my hair; it had become an annoying habit. "But it seems that every thing's okay there, so it makes our case a little easier. Koenma-sama promised to give me some additional information on what we're dealing with. So-" I was cut off when the bedroom door open. Atsuko's head popped in and she looked from Yusuke to me.   
  
  
  


"Yusuke! You're going to be late for school! Look at you, you're not even dressed yet!" Her eyes landed on me. "And who is this?! Yusuke, are you doing something in here that I should know about?!" Atsuko looked at me closely before her eyes filled with recognition. "Botan? Is that you? Gomen nasai, I didn't realize, your hair has gotten so much longer. It looks so good on you."   
  
  
  


I smiled. "Arigato, Urameshi-san. You're too kind." Yusuke threw me a heated look and I moved away from him, suddenly finding the floor to be so interesting.   
  
  
  


Atsuko had stepped into the bedroom, beaming brightly. Yusuke stood up and was about to tell her something, but she moved past him and sat next to me on the bed. She placed an arm around my shoulders. "Come on, Botan. You know better than that. There's no need for you to be so formal. Even though it's been a while since I've seen you, I don't see any reason for you not to call me Atsuko." She laughed heartily. "I'm not that old!"   
  
  
  


"Yes, you are." Yusuke muttered.  
  
  
  


In an instant, the smile had disappeared from Atsuko's face at hearing his comment. She approached her son and I noticed a bottle in her hand as she pointed it in front of his face. "The next time I come in here, you had better be ready and already gone to school." She shook the bottle in a threatening way.   
  
  
  


Yusuke frowned deeply, stepping closer to her. Two years prior, he had been just about her height. Now, he towered over his mother. "Even if I did go, I would just cut classes. Besides," He pointed an accusing finger at her. "You waving a beer bottle in front of my face isn't going to make me change my mind." I covered my mouth when Atsuko promptly connected the bottle with his head.   
  
  
  
Yusuke clenched his fists and closed his eyes. I knew he was trying the best he could not to yell. He lost in the end. "What the hell was that for?!"   
  
  
  


"Maybe that'll knock some sense into you!" Atsuko exclaimed just as loud. Before Yusuke could say anymore, she turned on her heel with a displeased 'humph', and headed towards the bedroom door. "Get to school, Yusuke," She said, eyes narrowed. "I don't want anymore calls telling me that you were skipping again. And if I do..." She patted the bottle meaningfully. Then Atsuko beamed when she turned her attention to me. "And Botan, it was really good to see you again. Come by anytime you like and we can have a good conversation over some tea and rice cakes. Remember, mi casa es su casa." With a good-bye wave, she closed the door behind her.   
  
  
  


Yusuke, rubbing his head, muttered something about 'useless mothers' before he turned to me. I covered my mouth again to keep from laughing out loud. He glared at me. If looks could kill, I would have been six feet under by now. "What's so funny?"   
  
  
  


"N-Nothing," I stuttered between giggles. "I-I have no idea w-what you're t-talking about." In a few, long strides, Yusuke had covered the space between us. He grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands away from my mouth. "Now, now, Yusuke don't be upset. Your mother's right. We do need to get to school, you know, the case?" 

But either Yusuke didn't hear me, or he was ignoring me because he gently pushed me down onto bed. Some kind of feeling washed over me. I was excited but I was scared at the same time. But nothing would happen; he wouldn't do anything...  
  
  
  


"Yusuke? What are you-?"   
  
  
  


He laid his hand on my cheek and that silenced me right away. I held my breath but I kept my eyes on his as his fingers moved up to my forehead. He pushed back my bangs before his fingertips trailed down and grazed my chin. He stopped there, cupping the underside of my face in his palm. And then I saw it. That warmth in his eyes that made me feel like I was drowning. I had seen it before, but only when Yusuke was looking at Keiko. I had never imagined he would stare at me in the same way.   
  
  
  


He leaned down until our lips were barely touching. "I've...missed this." He murmured.   
  
  
  


"And what is 'this'?" I heard myself ask.  
  
  
  


"Having you here with me." He answered sincerely. And just when he was about to diminish the rest of the space between us...  
  
  
  


Atsuko's voice rung out. "Yusuke, you've got five more minutes!"   
  
  
  


Yusuke stopped; just millimeters away and sighed irritably. The glint in his orbs had vanished, but he made no move to get up. But after Atsuko had called his name again, he began to rise. Quickly I grabbed his shoulders and kept him in place. I wanted this to last, even if it was only for a few seconds more. We stared at each other for a while before Yusuke leaned down again. Our lips had barely touched before Atsuko yelled again.   
  
  
  


"Yusuke!"   
  
  
  


Yusuke cursed loudly and I turned away from him as he got up and moved towards his closet. My hands rose to cover my face and I bit down on my bottom lip. How was I going to survive this?  
  
  
  
  


-  
  
  
  
  


It was nearly the end of school when I found Yusuke again. After what had happened this morning, I knew there would be a silence between us. But I didn't think he would completely shut me out. I would never tell him, but for some reason, it hurt more than I let myself believe. The day had been as normal as it could be. Being the 'new student', there were few people I could talk to. I was wandering the halls until I stumbled upon the stairs to the rooftop.   
  
  
  


Yusuke stood not too far, his eyes on the blue sky. Pressed between his lips was a cigarette, and every once in a while, he would pull it away, exhaling puffs of white smoke. I stood next to him for a few minutes before I frowned in worry.   
  
  
  


"Those things will kill you, Yusuke." I informed him softly.   
  
  
  


For the first time since this morning, he stared at me. Then he shrugged. "So what, we all die, sooner or later."  
  
  
  


"Wouldn't you rather have the later than the sooner?"   
  
  
  


Yusuke exhaled again, and I watched as the smoke faded into nothing. "Actually...no." I was a little more than startled by his answer and once he caught the look I gave him, he sighed in defeat. He let the cigarette drop from his fingers before he smashed it under the heel of his shoe. He glared at me. "There, are you happy now?"   
  


"Will you promise to quit?" I asked hopefully, it was my weak attempt to lighten the mood. I think I only worsened it. Before Yusuke could respond, I moved onto a different topic. In my hands was the folder Koenma-sama had given to me. "This folder contains all of the information from our case so far. Koenma-sama has been noticing some unusually high amounts of spirit energy coming from this area. It's been occurring for the past few weeks."  
  
  
  


"So what does Koenma want us to do about it?"  
  
  
  


"Just find out what the disturbance is. After that, it's up to him if he wants you to get rid of it."   
  
  
  


Yusuke smirked; pure arrogance was laced in his words. "Is that it? We could have this done with today."   
  
  
  


"There you go again." I said with another frown. "You're always underestimating the actually threat."   
**  
  
  
**

"You like to nag me, don't you?"   
  
  
  


"What's that supposed to mean?"   
  
  
  


He stepped closer to me and something flashed in his eyes that I couldn't recognize. Yusuke stopped once he was in arm's reach of me. "If you can't figure it out for yourself," he started, an edge in his voice that wasn't there before. "Then there's no need for me to tell you."   
  
  
  


He brushed past me and I stared after him, completely confused by his response. I had only been in Ningenkai for a day and already, Yusuke had become an impossible enigma. With his genuine words and affectionate touches, he gave me hope. But other times, the way he would distance himself from me made me think otherwise. Finally, I turned and descended the stairs. My mind was more muddled than ever.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**   
  
  
  
Author's Notes: **All right, I know that was a boring ending. *hangs head in shame* No Yusuke/Botan action in this chapter but you'll just have to patiently wait. I am more than happy about the reviews I've been receiving from readers. I was expecting to get at the most, seven reviews. But knowing that I am not the only Yusuke and Botan fan gives me the inspiration to keep writing. Thank you, thank you so much to all who have given me their praise.   
  
  
  
Some other things I wanted to address is that if anyone is wondering, I will be introducing more of the YYH characters into my story. Until...around chapter four, they will only be mentioned. Except for one character, I'm sure you all know who _she _is! Second, can readers please let me know if I'm sticking to the characters? Is Botan or Yusuke too OOC, if you don't see them interacting like this at all? Things like that. Third, in the first chapter, I don't know if any reader noticed the fic was rated **R **and it is supposed to be **PG-13. **To clear that up, **for now,** _Nox _will be rated **PG-13 **but _maybe_ later it will be bumped up to **R. **If anyone is uncomfortable with that, I will try and make that _maybe_ upcoming chapter as discrete as possible.   
  
  
  
Oh, another thing I almost forgot to mention. In the scene when Atsuko, Yusuke's mother, is talking to Botan, she says, "Remember, mi casa es su casa." For those who do not know what this means, it's just Spanish for _my home is your home._   
  
  
  
Again readers, you know the drill. Your comments, your criticism, and your thoughts are always welcomed and appreciated. (Along with suggestions too!) I'm on a roll here so I'll keep the chapters updated regularly. 'Til next time, I'll see all of ya'll later!


	3. In Medias Res

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Title: Nox

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Author: Nirvana

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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

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Rating: PG-13...later to be rated R(?)

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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

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Summary: I remember those old romance movies, with the hero and heroine. The cliché plots and scandalous, climatic moments. It was almost like unveiling the perfect dream, when two, destined soul mates meet. (Botan's POV) 

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners. 

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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it.. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy. 

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Chapter 3-In Medias Res

I was always fond of Ningenkai. The people, the places, everything. Especially the films I was able to see once in a while. I remember those old romance movies, with the hero and heroine. The cliché plots and scandalous, climatic moments. It was almost like unveiling the perfect dream, when two, destined soul mates meet. I couldn't even admit it to myself, but I had secret desires to create my own love affair, through my simple inspiration and reveries. 

I like to dream; it's probably the only thing I have control over. I can always pretend to be the angelic woman. I'd have the long soft hair, creamy skin, and eyes that could take your breath away. My lover, an irresistibly handsome man, would have a smile that would make my knees weak and my cheeks warm. I can make believe that we'd be in love, happy, free. We'd have no worries, and would never be held back by fears. I would love this man with all my heart; we'd be together until the ends of our days. That's my comfort.

But dreams are not reality; I'm finding that out with each passing day. 

Wherever I go, I find myself feeling out of place. I know now, that there is no better thing in the world than feeling belonged. Having that dependence and security was something no person should take for granted. To be honest, I wanted to find myself. Not one of those soul-searching journeys that could take an eternity. I just needed to know my purpose in life. Sometimes, late into the night, when I can't fall asleep, I wonder about my past. My life before I became a Deity. No matter how much I try, I can no longer remember anything. Not a single face or voice. But I do know, before I was a ferry girl, before I even knew what Reikai was, I...was happy. And even though it is my fault for choosing this path, I can't help but feel cheated somehow. I should have died centuries ago. 

I stumbled out my classroom as soon as I heard the dismissal bell. My mind was a whirlwind of misery. I think the only person that was keeping me sane was Yusuke, or for the most part, I let myself believe this. After our brief conversation on the roof, I had avoided him. But it wasn't like I saw him often during the school hours, to my relief. The only reason I felt the need to talk to him was for the case's sake. It wasn't fair, I thought with a frown, how could one person leave me feeling like an emotional wreck? Maybe I would never know.

I stopped walking, noticing I had guided myself to the door that led to the rooftop. I knew Yusuke was up there, it was only place he could be. And I wanted so badly to see him. Yet all this time, pride and much more kept me from doing so. Shoving my stubbornness aside, I wrapped my fingers around the knob and pulled the door open. I started up the steps, my heart racing and my hands quivering. If I stopped now, I would end up not having the courage to see him. Shaking my head, I continued on and finally reached the door. Slowly, I pushed it open and stopped once I heard not only Yusuke's voice but someone else's. 

"Well, what do you want me to say about that?" Yusuke asked, he muttered something that I couldn't catch. 

"A 'congratulations' would be good." The other person was a girl, her voice as gentle and blithe as anything. 

I felt rude, intruding on a private conversation. But I couldn't help but feel a sharp pang of jealousy come over me. I didn't know who this girl was, so why was I upset? Besides, there wasn't anything to worry about. Yusuke said himself that he had missed having me here with him. Wasn't that proof enough? With renewed confidence and a feeling of giddiness in my stomach, I pushed open the door with a bright smile. That smile vanished and I suddenly felt sick when I saw who Yusuke was talking to. 

There, Yukimura Keiko stood, in all her unknown glory, staring at me with just as much surprise. She was a bit taller now, her chestnut locks falling just past her waist, and her features no longer that of girl, but of a young woman. It was breathtaking to say the least, seeing her and Yusuke standing side by side like that. They had finally grown up, and me, being a Deity, did not have the power to do so. I almost felt like I was being taunted by Keiko. Her eyes were silently telling me that Yusuke was hers. That I could never be the woman he loved so dearly. I was just a difficult obstacle to get past, and then, they would be together again.

Finally, Keiko gave me a brilliant smile. 

"Hello, Botan. How are you?" Her greeting was enthusiastic. 

"Hey, Keiko. "I swallowed and managed a poor excuse of a smile. "I'm fine." 

Her smile only widened, then she turned her gaze to Yusuke expectantly. "I must have been wrong," She began casually. "I thought you would have given some consideration that your best friend was accepted into an international university." She waved a hand dismissively. "I should have known Yusuke, you wouldn't care that I was leaving." Before Yusuke could protest, Keiko, with a glimpse of smirk and a wave to me, left the rooftop. 

I stared after her, even when her footfalls faded. It was more than a shock to see her. I knew Keiko was attending this school with Yusuke, but I wondered why I had not seen her at all for my first weeks here in Ningenkai. My train of thought was derailed when Yusuke cleared his throat to get my attention. When I looked at him, he arched an eyebrow, waiting. Taking the hint, I reached into my schoolbag and pulled out the file and began to skim threw the papers. With a grin, I gave Yusuke the picture. I had studied the photograph plenty of times, just to make it easier to identify him in the crowded hallways. He was average height and looked like any other boy in the high school. But what caught my attention the most was his eyes, an unusual pale shade of gray. 

I leaned against the wall. "I've already confirmed it with Koenma-sama. This is the person we're looking for. I've been following him for the past two weeks, memorizing his daily patterns. As you already know, he's been emitting high amounts of spirit energy. It only occurs when he's killing humans." 

"Why?" Yusuke asked. 

"From what I can tell, for the souls. Just to sustain him." 

"Okay, so why don't we take care of this right now." Yusuke started for the door but I grabbed his arm. 

"I wouldn't advise that." I warned. "Besides, he is not killing tonight anyway. It'd be better if we waited until tomorrow." 

"Are you sure?" When I nodded, Yusuke again muttered something inaudible before I let go of his sleeve. I pulled open the roof's door. "Where are you going?" 

"Where else? Home." I answered, I couldn't resist smirking. "I think you should get home too, Yusuke. You don't want another bottle-beating from Atsuko-san, now do you?" 

I had prepared myself for a smart retort from him. Instead, Yusuke said nothing. And I could have sworn I saw him blushing. No, I thought, it had to be my imagination. He looked at his feet for a few seconds before he stared back at me. "What is it?" I urged gently. 

"Come over to my apartment tomorrow." It wasn't a request, but more of a demand. I couldn't help but be a little suspicious. Why, I asked myself, to be alone with me? The silent mention of it sent a warm shiver down my spine. Just the two of us, away from the commotion of the day and enjoying each other's company. It was just too good to be true. I was snapped out my thoughts when Yusuke approached me. 

"Why?" I asked hastily. Unfortunately, it didn't stop him from closing the space between us. I felt my knees go weak when he gave me his enigmatic smile. 

"If you want to know, you'll have to wait and see. Be there by noon, okay?" Without waiting for a reply, he left. I waited until I could no longer hear his footsteps before I groaned in exasperation. This was the second time he left me in a state of complete confusion. 

-

I gazed outside the window at the quiet suburban streets. Not too far away, I could make out the tall buildings of the city. Out of irritation, I shifted in my chair and turned away from window. I glanced at my watch, it was well past noon. I had been more than excited to meet Yusuke and arrived almost a half an hour early only to meet Atsuko. I focused my attention on her. She was in the kitchen, and I could faintly hear the soft rattle of cups and the sharp whistle of a kettle. Why would Yusuke invite me over and not be here? I wanted to leave, I felt so embarrassed. But to Atsuko's polite insistence, I stayed. 

A few minutes later, she came out of the kitchen. In her hands was a tray.. On the platter was two teacups, a teapot, and a basket of rice cakes with assorted cookies. She placed them onto the table with a satisfied smile, silently gesturing me to have some. I returned her smile and picked up a rice cake while she poured tea into both our cups. Atsuko sat down and her smile faltered. 

"Gomen," She began. "I have no idea why Yusuke would do this. He's too unpredictable." 

"You don't need to apologize, Atsuko-san. It wasn't your fault." I bowed my head respectfully. "But thank you for the tea and cookies." 

Atsuko beamed, and almost out of thin air, pulled out a bottle of sake. "It's my pleasure." She said while pouring some of the liquor into her tea. She gave me a knowing look. "Sake always adds to it, you should try some, Botan." Before I could respond, she had already started poring some into my drink. I stared at my tea, hesitant. Atsuko took a swing of hers and sighed. "Come on, it really wakes you up." She encouraged, the beginnings of a flush on her cheeks. 

Finally I picked up the cup and brought it to my lips. It was sweet at first but quickly became bitter and I let out a strangled cough. The alcohol burned as it went down my throat, but I took another sip. Once I got used to it, it actually tasted good. Before I realized it, I finished the tea too quickly and had a blush to match Atsuko's. I was dizzy and felt so happy that I eagerly asked her for another helping. She was about to pour me my second cup when a knock came from the front door. 

She turned around. "I wonder if that's Yusuke." Atsuko said aloud. She smiled at me. "Help yourself, Botan. I'll be right back." She stood up and headed for the door. 

She was gone for a good five minutes. And while I sat, gazing at the wall, I could hear forced whispers. I placed down my cup with shaky hands and turned back to the window. I already felt drunk, and I only drank one cup of sake-tea. Once Atsuko came back, she began to clear the table. I looked at her, puzzled. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. 

"It's for you, Botan." She answered. "You get going and I'll just clean up here. Ja ne." 

I gave her another confused look but eventually stood up and headed towards the door. The effects of the sake had worn off for the time being but I knew they would come back. I was expecting to see Yusuke standing at the door, but I was more than surprised to see Keiko. She smiled but said nothing to me. Now, I was more baffled. 

"Keiko, Yusuke isn't here. I was waiting for him but Atsuko-san said-"

"I'm not here for Yusuke, Botan." Keiko interrupted, her smile widened. "I'm here for you." 

"Nani?" 

"It's been forever since we spent the day together, ne?" Without waiting for my answer, she continued. "So, I was thinking it would be a great idea if we go out and have some fun. You know, catch a movie, go shopping, have some lunch. It's been two years, Botan-chan. I have to know what you've been doing this whole time." Before I could say anything, she grasped my hand and ran down the hall, literally dragging me along. It was definitely going to be a long day. 

-

For the whole day, Keiko treated me like someone I believed couldn't be possible anymore. After all this time, she still thought of me as her best friend. It reminded me of another day we had spent together, before our problems tore us apart. It was during a summer festival, and we had been standing side by side, gazing into the navy blue sky at the blazing fireworks. You are my sister, she said that night with a ghost of smile, and I am yours. Never forget that, Botan. 

We explored the entire city, going from shopping malls, to antique shops, to movie theatres. I almost forgot that we hadn't talk to each other in nearly two years. But it was more than good to be in her presence again. Still, I felt awkward at times whenever she mentioned Yusuke. We had just left a near by bistro, and we both decided to take a stroll in the park to end the day. The sun was slowly descending behind the horizon, the clouds orange and crimson while the first star gradually appeared. Taken by the sight, Keiko abruptly dropped the shopping bags in her hands with a sigh before turning her attention to the evening light. She smiled. 

"It's beautiful," She commented quietly and I only nodded. A comfortable silence enveloped us both before she spoke again. "I really do need to hand it to Yusuke, it was a really nice trick." 

Bewildered, I looked at Keiko. She saw my look and laughed. "Trick? What trick?" 

"The trick we played on you." She responded. "You see, we were talking about you, Botan, yesterday on the rooftop. But you just happened to walk in and I changed the subject before you realized what was going on.." Keiko put up her hands in mock surrender. "It was Yusuke's idea, I promise. He wanted us to spend some time together, catch up on old times. I was more than happy to oblige." 

"So when Yusuke asked me to come over to his apartment..." I said, all the pieces were coming together. 

"...You thought you were going to see him. But you got me instead." Keiko finished for me. She laughed again. "You should have seen the look on you face. You were so-" 

"Why are you doing this?" I asked so suddenly the grin completely vanished from her lips. I hastily added, "Taking me out, spending time with me, why? I don't understand." I attempted a smile. "Don't get me wrong. I'm happy and thankful, I really am but..." I looked away from her. "I don't see how I deserve any of this." 

Keiko stared at me for a few moments before understanding flooded her features. "I don't know why I never saw it." She said, a pensive look came to her eyes. "You loved Yusuke just as much as I did then. You still do, probably more than I ever did." She turned her gaze to the sun. "Us two, are some of the most important people to Yusuke." She smirked. "Or so we'd like to believe. It's not good to put yourself in denial. Don't be modest either because it won't help you if you want Yusuke to love you as much as you do him.

Keiko's smile faded. "It was never you're fault, Botan. You have to understand that. I had this feeling me and Yusuke would not work out. I never thought we'd be more than best friends. But we gave it a try anyway because people believed we were this 'meant-to-be' couple. But that was our first mistake." Her voice became a whisper. "There were times, when I convinced myself that everything would be all right. Yusuke and I had been through so much, I thought we could make it through our relationship. We had our problems, way before you came into the picture. 

"It had even come to the point that every time he hugged me or kissed me, I felt like I was being intimate with a brother. To top it all off, we argued. Not the usual bickering, but real fighting. And over the stupidest of things. I don't even remember how many times I cried about it." Keiko looked at me again. "I love him, he loves me. But we didn't love each other like that. Eventually, we broke up, but I believe, it made our friendship even stronger. I'm glad to know that the relationship between Yusuke and I ended on such good terms. We're better friends than lovers." She approached me and placed an arm around my shoulders. "Now you know the whole story, Botan." She wrapped her other arm around me. "So, don't blame yourself anymore, all right?" 

I stared her, completely amazed before I gingerly returned her hug. Keiko pulled away and grinned brightly. I smiled back, a true, genuine smile. She glanced at her watch, groaned in aggravation before she went over to her shopping bags. She picked them up before turning back to me. 

"I need to get going," She said. "I'll call you soon and tell Yusuke I said hello. Ja ne, Botan!" With those departing words, she started off in a steady jog out of the park. 

Once Keiko disappeared from sight, I sighed. So many emotions were overwhelming me that I almost wanted to cry. Almost. Picking up my own belongings, I didn't head home, but I went to Yusuke's. Even through all of this, I still wanted kill him. Or at least hit him across the face--hard. There was no way he was going to get away with this. What gave him the right to try and fix things? Especially when...

But my accusations came to a halt when I did. I couldn't believe it. This whole mess had started because of what Yusuke and I had done. And when Keiko found us like that, the problems only became worse. But Yusuke...had willingly gone out of his way to fix things, just for me. Only me. It has to mean something, I thought, it has to mean he truly cares for me. Yet Yusuke was the last person I thought would resolve drawbacks between me and Keiko. I was too stubborn to give him my gratitude. 

Still...I just...

I left my thoughts unfinished as I started walking again before I broke into a sprint. In minutes, I made it to his apartment, jogged up the endless stairs, and before I could knock on the door, it flew open. Yusuke was smiling at me, with that undeniably smug look on his face. He leaned against the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest. 

"I had this feeling you were coming." He said, his smirk widened. "How was your day?" 

I was quiet for a long time. His smile faltered. "Botan? What wrong?" He sounded...worried? Concerned?

Finally, I could only murmur one thing. "Yusuke," My hands rose. 

Before he could speak again, I encircled him in my arms. He was stiff for a moment before I felt his hands rest on my back and bring me nearer to him.. I had this fear that if I let him go, I would lose him forever. I guess it took this moment for me to realize how much in love I am with Yusuke. I was shaking when I gently pulled away and smiled. 

"Arigato," I said. 

Yusuke smiled haughtily and ran his fingers through his hair. I watched as his bangs fell in front of his eyes. It gave him a beautifully innocent look. "Resolving problems between you and Keiko wasn't too much of a hassle." 

My smile vanished to be replaced with a deep frown. "A hassle? Is that what you think it was?" I grabbed my bags and started for door. I wasn't angry with him, I've known for a long time that's just the way he acts. But now, I wanted to go to my own apartment and take a hot, well-deserved bath and get some rest. But he wouldn't let me go so easily. I was about to reach for the knob until Yusuke stepped in front of me. I looked at him expectantly, then suddenly remembered two things. 

"Where's Atsuko-san?" I asked, looking around. "I wanted to apologize to her for leaving so rudely this afternoon. Is she here?" 

Anticipation washed over me as a terribly wicked smirk curved Yusuke's lips. He locked the door. "She isn't here." He finally responded. He stepped closer to me and I stepped back. 

"Yusuke, there's something else I need to tell you." I promptly said. "It's about the case-"

"It can wait." He interjected and in a matter of a second, he was less than inch away from me. I tried to step back for a second time but he got a hold of me before I could even move. With triumphant ease, Yusuke pulled me to the floor. The smirk was still on his face but his eyes were dancing with mischief. He wrapped me in his embrace. I felt his lips brush against my ear. "I want another thank you, Botan." His voice was suddenly hoarse. 

"All right," I surrendered, "Thank you very much, Yusuke-sama. I will forever be in your debt." I tried to move but to no avail. Having more strength would have done me some justice. "Now if you'll get off me, we need to-" 

"That's not the kind of thank you I meant." Yusuke interrupted me again. He had already straddled me beneath him so there was no use trying to fight back. But still, I could feel my heart hammering madly against my chest. A deep shade of red dusted my cheeks as Yusuke's smirk became more suggestive. I felt like such an idiot. It was almost as if I was a naive child with a schoolgirl crush. The worst part about it was, he knew what he was doing. And enjoyed it. 

Again, I tried to protest but Yusuke didn't let me. Before I could say a word, he swooped down and claimed my lips. I felt my body suddenly go numb as my knees became weak even though I wasn't standing. I was completely and utterly dumbfounded. I had impatiently waited for this to happen, but now, I couldn't even take advantage of Yusuke's direct advances. He pulled away, and stared at me. His eyes were boring into mine with such intensity, I forgot how to breathe. 

"Botan," Yusuke's eyes darkened. "kiss me back."

I didn't need anymore persuasion. Shyly, I titled my head up and closed my eyes. His kiss was feverish, slow yet demanding in an oh so delicate motion that left me clinging to him for dear life. My hands trembled with barely suppressed excitement, and our tongues danced in rhythm that was familiar only to us. Finally, we broke apart for air, and Yusuke pressed his forehead against mine. We both exchanged lopsided smiles. 

"You're welcome," He said. 

"Yusuke, I..." 

"Shhh." He interrupted me once more. "No words." I couldn't help but shiver. 

I breathed in sharply as he began planting butterfly kisses on my neck, barely touching. But gradually his roaming hands and soft caresses became more demanding and I gave in without a struggle, wrapping my slender arms around him. I leaned my head backwards, and my eyes closed as an uncontrollable whimper left me. I felt Yusuke's fingers begin to undo the first button of my blouse before he came back up to kiss me again. All my pent up longings had finally taking its toll. It was indescribable what was happening. Almost like a warm, hazy feeling coming over me and... 

The case!

"Yusuke!" His grip on me had loosened, giving me the chance to push him away. I was breathing hard, my hands fanning my flushed face. He looked more than irritated while he stood up, muttering something underneath his breath. I shook my head. "You know just as well as I do that we don't have time for..." I trailed off, blushing tomato red. "Come on, we need to go." 

"Go where?" Yusuke asked. 

"Don't tell me you've forgotten what I told you already. We need to go to the city, while I was out with Keiko, I kept getting these high readings of spirit energy. I guess that youkai...is most likely feeding at this very moment." I paused for a second before I spoke again. "How long will it take you to get to the city, Yusuke?" 

"About ten minutes if I run." He answered. "Why?" 

I produced my oar. "It would be best if I went ahead and looked around. You know, distract the youkai until you get there. I just hope this can be over with by tonight." 

"But that's too-" 

"It's only a few minutes, it's not like I'm going to get myself killed." I seated myself on my oar. "Get going, Yusuke. I'll meet you there, all right?" 

"How will I find you?!" Yusuke exclaimed. But I never got the chance to answer his question. I had already soared into the dark clouds of the night. Even though spring was at its peak, it was still chilly. I shuddered as the wind whipped past my face. I knew I was still blushing, and the cold air did nothing to sooth my heated skin. 

If I hadn't pushed Yusuke off of me...

Did I even want to?

"Don't think about it," I murmured. "just don't think about it." 

But I was doing quite the opposite of what I told myself. Rolling up the left sleeve my blouse, I glanced down at the rei compass, then looked back up. I shifted my weight forward, and my oar began to quickly descend to the ground. I stopped, just a few inches from a bed of trimmed grass before standing up and realizing I was in the same park from earlier that evening. I swallowed hard. At night, this place looked so different. 

I started walking, staring every now and then at the compass. Ten minutes had passed and still Yusuke hadn't shown up. I knew my plan had been out of the blue, but it seemed logical at the time. Maybe something was holding him up. Or maybe he was already fighting the youkai. I walked past tall, thick trees making sure not to trip over roots and small branches. For the most part, the moon's light gave me some comfort. I halted for a second to gaze at it through the swaying branches. Something had to be wrong, Yusuke would have been here by now. Maybe he was attacked, or hurt, or...

"I'm being paranoid." I chided myself softly. "Five more minutes without company won't hurt, Botan." 

With some renewed assurance, I kept walking until I came across a clearing. I was lost, I knew from the first moment I started. I had just been too stubborn to admit it. To top it all off, I knew the youkai was here. I felt it, even though I was not gifted with spirit awareness. He was just there, watching, waiting, killing, feeding-

I closed my eyes, hoping the hideous images would leave. The only thing I could do now was go forward. 

I was about to continue walking until I caught a glimpse something in a nearby bush. Maybe it was the youkai. I wanted to just keep going and not look back but curiosity had already tempted me. Carefully, I approached and extended my hand to push back the leaves. A limp body of a girl, almost as young as me, crumbled to the ground with a soft thud. Blood, slash marks, burns, and cuts decorated her body horribly. I looked past her and found other bodies in the same state. I knew they were not dead, they were just soulless but barely breathing. Any other person would have thought them all dead. For some odd reason, seeing all these people, didn't bother me in the least.

I've seen dead bodies before, I've seen so many that I lost count a long time ago. It's my responsibility to look at corpses and not get swept away by emotions. Yet sometimes, I cannot not help but give them my sympathy and my tears. It's even come to the point that if I saw a lifeless body on the street, I'd pass with only a quick glance. In Reikai, it was just the spirit that mattered, not the body. But this...this was so different. 

This girl, with beautiful blue eyes, gazed unblinkingly at me. It was almost as if she were trying to tell me something. Every so often, a spasm would pass through her and new blood would seep from her old wounds. She was so close to dying and I couldn't stop staring. 

To this day, I still don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was the blood. Or maybe it was the bleak eyes of this soulless girl gazing at me. But I knew at that moment, I was remembering. 

I had spent a summer afternoon at a cherry orchard. I was only a little toddler, barely able to walk on my own. The sun had been bearing down on my skin so much that I could almost feel it right now. There was a woman with long blue hair and lavender eyes just as bright as mine watching me, calling to me. She was smiling at me, still calling to me. But I didn't listen, I wanted to hide, I wanted to be left alone. Picking and eating the cherries all day long. Wet crimson dripping from my fingers, my cheeks, my clothes. Crimson...cherries...blood. 

My eyes widened and mouth fell open as I stumbled away from the bodies. On unsteady legs, I stood up and was about break into a run. Then...

"Deity," 

My body froze and my breath caught. It was almost like cold water had been poured on me. I turned; slowly, anxiously and before I could say a word, the sudden feel of a hand clamping down on my neck left me speechless. 

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Author's Notes: Ahem! Well, so ends another chapter. I know I'm not the only one who thought this cliffhanger was a little unexpected. But I wanted to add the little memory for Botan because of what I had described in the first paragraphs of the chapter. Seeing all the blood just triggered it. Now that the first three chapters are completed, now it's going to get good! I've been dying to get started on chapters four and five! I can't wait!

Some things I wanted to point out. One, I hope you enjoyed the Keiko and Botan scene. In my opinion, I see no point in making them hate each other just for Yusuke's affection. I thought it would be more convincing and realistic if they were still best friends. Two, I have decided to bump this fic to rated **R** but that won't be happening for a long while. At the most, the upcoming scene will be a very mild lime. Three, for anyone who was wondering, the title of this fic, _In Medias Res, _means, _in the middle of things. _

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WARNING: Okay, I've really got some bad news. Unfortunately, I will not be able to post up chapter four for the next three weeks or longer. I'm going overseas with family and I will not get back until early August. I'm really sorry about this delay. But I promise, as soon as I get back, I'll make sure to work twice as hard to get chapter four posted. 

Hopefully, these few perks will help until August rolls around. For the upcoming chapter 4, there will be:

-More characters introduced. 

-Another cliffhanger. (I am aware that isn't great, but still...)

-And a clue for all readers: Which YYH character do we always associate with the color **RED?**

I know the answer is obvious, but don't jump to conclusions. Finally, I'd like to thank all reviewers. You guys are incredible, I never imagined that I would get such amazing reviews. Thank you all! See ya'll in August! Oh before, I forget, there are readers I want to address. They asked me questions and I'm going to answer them. 

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Cat Youkai: Thank you so much for your help so far, and your words of inspiration are one in a million. But when you sent me the e-mail for chapter three, I downloaded it and all the paragraphs had somehow condensed themselves. I'm sorry, I've been so busy lately that I did not have the time to separate it all. You should have seen it, everything was so crammed together. So unfortunately, I had to use the chapter that was not read by you. But I was able to go back, reread, and make the changes that you had made, but not all of them if you noticed (Keiko's last name). I'm pretty sure now, that it starts with a 'Y' I'm so sorry, Cat Youkai. Forgive me. You know my e-mail address and I can explain it more clearly if you don't understand. Thanks again. 

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Botan: Thank you for your review, I enjoyed reading it. I know you didn't ask a question but I wanted to comment on what you said about me having a beta-reader. To be perfectly honest, there are several reasons why I made that choice. But the one of the main reasons is for me to have a second person just read over each chapter and tell me anything that might be wrong. And as for Yusuke and Botan being the only couple in this fic...I'll let you find out on your own in chapter 4. *laughs* I think you're going to hate me for it! 

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jennycraig10: *blushes* You wanted to know how old I am? Well...*plays with fingers* if you really want to know, I just recently turned sixteen. Yeah, I know! I'm an old, withered lady! As for Yusuke still dating Keiko after the 'incident', he still loved her. That's the only, blunt answer I can give you. I know that there some people who cannot stand Keiko and Yusuke together. But in my opinion, they seem to flow with each other flawlessly and I respect that. It's just that I like to see someone take a different direction in coupling YYH characters, that's what fanfiction is all about! 

I hope I answered your questions. Anyone else who does have questions can ask in their review. Thank you all! 


	4. Birthday Boy

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Title: Nox

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Author: Nirvana

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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

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Rating: PG-13...later to be rated R

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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

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Summary: No matter how much I tried to cover up, Kumara could see everything. My thoughts, my flaws, the very core of my being...He moved and spoke in ways that no one could forget. He was the true definition of mystery and allure. (Botan's POV) 

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners. 

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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy. 

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Chapter Four-Birthday Boy

A sudden, sharp pain shot through my body when that hand lifted me from the ground by my neck. My legs were desperately flailing, hoping to hit the stranger and my hands were scratching their arm. But my attempts were in vain. No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. It was a bad dream, that had to be it. A terrible nightmare. I would wake up any minute, I would...

"There's an old saying," The voice, belonging to a boy, murmured to me. "you should never look into the eyes of the person you're about to murder." His grip on my throat tightened and I gasped. "When you do, you see all the fear, regret, remorse. Even on rare occasions, pure happiness. But this time, I think I'm going to change that." 

His eyes were the stormy, pale shade of gray I remembered from the photograph. "Y-Youkai..." I could barely get the single word from my lips. But I struggled to continue. "Those p-people you hurt, they're g-going to die. There's n-no use giving me the s-same fate, I have no s-soul. This body you see is just a shell." 

He shook me so hard that I felt unconsciousness wrapping itself around me. During that moment I thought about dying. I wondered if it would be as bad as others described it. But this youkai had said that people experience pure happiness before they die. How could they? It was the end of your life. You leave mourning loved ones behind, you would never have the ability to live again. How could dying be a blessing? But I abruptly understood why, I was facing it right now.

I was scared, I was regretful, but I also felt so fulfilled. Nothing in the world mattered because I had finally obtained my freedom. I no longer needed to worry about my problems. Dying would make me happy because I could let go of everything. And it was a feeling that could barely be described in words. But there was still something holding me back, something was still lingering...

Yusuke. 

"You think I don't realize that?" He asked bitterly. "I've seen you, following me, pretending to be a regular ningen. You and that spirit detective will not stop me. But still, you can be useful to me...as a decoy." 

I opened my eyes to look at the youkai but I noticed something moving in the bushes. My gaze met those familiar brown orbs and I had to look away to keep from smiling. I felt like a princess who had been captured by a wicked beast. And I couldn't help but believe that my prince had come to rescue me. 

"I won't let you use me ." I finally answered, and I felt his fingers loosen slightly. It gave me relief, but only so much. He was staring at me so intently, trying to find something that my eyes could only tell him. Eventually, the youkai smirked. 

"What makes you so sure?" 

My leg swinging back and hitting him in the chest answered his question. His fingers slipped away from my neck and I crumpled to the ground, gasping for air. What happened next was almost like a blur. I saw a blast of brilliant blue light and knew that Yusuke had used his spirit gun. I heard an echoing, high-pitched scream before it gradually died away into the silence. 

I opened my eyes to come face to face with a small orb. It descended into my hand and it felt like I was holding fragile glass. I realized then that it was one of the numerous souls the youkai had stolen. I stood and lifted my hand to the sky. Instantly the remaining cluster of souls surrounded me a in a sphere of white light. I think this was the only thing I enjoyed about being a Deity, seeing how other people live their lives through their spirits. It was like watching too many silent films at the same time. One second, they were there, and in a blink of an eye, they were gone. 

I extended my hand and reached out to a particular soul that had caught my attention and realized this one belonged to the girl with the beautiful blue eyes. I smiled as I looked up.

"You are all safe now," I whispered gently. "go back to your bodies." 

In bursts, almost like shooting rockets, each soul quickly flew into the air and disappeared into the night sky. I stood there and watched until I could see them no more. I had completely forgotten that Yusuke was with me until I felt his hand grasp my shoulder. I glanced at him and could tell he was smiling. 

"So it's over?" He asked. 

I nodded. "Yes, I believe so. There seems to be no living trace of the youkai, so it means the case is closed." I was taken aback when Yusuke whirled me around to face him, but the smile on his face faded when he looked into my eyes. 

"What's the matter with you?" 

"Nothing, I'm fine." I attempted to smile but failed miserably. "Don't worry about me." 

"You're lying." Yusuke stated matter-of-factly. 

"I'm all right...just a little tired." I tried to move away but he held me at arms' length. 

"Tell me," He urged but I kept silent. What was I supposed to say to him? I didn't know if he realized it or was pretending not to. The case was over, and of course, I was relieved but I no longer had a reason to stay in Ningenkai. My assignment was finished. But...I didn't want to leave.

I felt Yusuke's hands slip off my shoulders and I moved away from him. I produced my oar and seated myself and tried to look anywhere else but at him. "Listen, I need to get back to Reikai. Just to let Koenma-sama know that everything is all right again." 

"Yeah, sure..." But the rest of his sentence trailed off. 

"I'm not sure if I'm coming back." I stated and I felt this dull pain course through me when Yusuke did not say anything back.

An uncomfortable silence wrapped around us and I knew I couldn't stall anymore. Slowly I began to rise higher into the air and now, I couldn't tear my eyes away from Yusuke's. I think, it was moments like this that made me wonder if we could ever be more than just friends. We had shared nothing between us except for those warm caresses, long glances, and feverish kisses. I wondered if I would ever be as important to him as Keiko was. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the 'what ifs.'

Finally, I looked away from Yusuke. Without a goodbye or a second glance, I soared into the clouds and headed for Reikai. 

-

A week had past since the last time I had seen Botan. It was like she had never come to Ningenkai to begin with. Almost like she had vanished without a trace. So I went on with my regular routine, I'd never let her absence bother me. Wake up, get dressed, skip school, smoke, drink, go home, sleep, repeat. It wasn't the most exciting, thrilling life but it kept me distracted, left me occupied so I wouldn't have to think about her. But it only worked for the first day. 

I glanced at Okaasan, who was spiraled on the couch, her eyes on the television. Clutched in her hands was the remote and I could hear the frequent flipping of the channels. I noticed, she would every so often look at the clock and then back at the screen. She was acting like I wasn't even in the room with her. And for the past three hours, we had stayed like this. Not a single word exchanged between us. I had been hoping Keiko would drop by and save me from complete boredom. But she never did. It had even come to the point that I would have been more than happy to receive a particularly hard slap from her. At least, it would have been something. 

I was angry, mercilessly and deeply, with Keiko and everyone else. Even though I had dreaded this day for weeks, I at least wanted to get a little recognition for awhile. I wanted everyone to pay attention to me. But I received none, I was ignored and left by myself. And as each hour passed me by, I became more furious. This day was the only time I could do whatever the hell I wanted and get away with it. Yet no one, not even my Mother, not even Keiko, and...not even Botan tried to make this day remotely enjoyable for me. I felt my hands clench into fists as I suddenly stood up and headed towards my bedroom. It was that moment that Okaasan decided to look away from the television and at me. 

"Yusuke, come here." She sat upright and patted the space next to her. I was more than reluctant but still curious. I inched towards her and sat down and stared at her expectantly. Instantly, I stiffened when her arm wrapped around my shoulders as she murmured the words I had wanted to hear all day. "Happy Birthday," 

Yes, today was my birthday. I, Yusuke Urameshi, had finally turned nineteen. 

Again, I went rigged when Okaasan leaned her head against my shoulder. "You know," She began casually, "you weren't alive when you were born, Yusuke." At this comment, I groaned inwardly. Oh, I knew where this was going: the stroll down memory lane. She always did this. Every year, Okaasan would sit me down and tell me about the day I was born. It was always like a constant reminder that I should never taken anything for granted. 

"Really?" My voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Well, that's very interesting. But I think I'm going to go out and do something." I tried to stand but she held me tighter, eyes narrowed dangerously. 

"You're not leaving until I'm finished!" She exclaimed. Then just as quickly, the anger left her. Okaasan cleared her throat and started again. "You would not believe how scared I was. At first, I didn't know what was going on but when I found out, I broke down instantly. I felt like I was in some crazy nightmare and I was trying wake myself up. But deep down, I knew all of what was happening was real. The only thing running through my head was, my baby's going to die."

Okaasan exhaled deeply and a bright smile curved her lips. "Then suddenly, I heard this crying and I realized it was you. And hearing your crying and knowing that you were alive made me break down all over again." 

"That's great, but I've heard this story eighteen times, and this makes it the nineteenth. What will make it so different...?" I trailed off when I caught the death glare she gave me. I stayed quiet then, sulking all the while. But her next words threw me off guard.

"I didn't understand the feelings I was going through," Okaasan murmured gently. "because I had never wanted you to begin with, Yusuke." I looked at her but I had nothing to say, so she continued. "I was fifteen years old. I was trying to grow up too quickly but I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared to have a child." Her voice became shaky. "To be truthful, I really didn't know what I wanted." She sighed. "But that all changed when I saw you for the first time." A familiar, wistful look came to her eyes. "I looked at you and you looked at me and I knew then why mothers would gladly give their lives for their children. 

"I think I fell in love with your eyes first. They were these big, innocent, chocolate brown eyes that I couldn't look away from. So, I reluctantly but gradually let you go and I watched you become the person you are now." She glanced at me with a frown. "Yusuke, you're impulsive, rude, arrogant, ill-tempered, and always feel the need to rebel against everything, especially authority." 

"Oi!" I suddenly exclaimed, but I never got more than that out of my mouth before Okaasan interrupted me.

"But...you're kind, compassionate, honest, would courageously give your life for the ones you care for the most, and there's something else inside you, Yusuke." Okaasan smiled again. "I really don't know what it is but I do know," She leaned on me again. "someone special will bring it out and then..." But she never finished her sentence. Instead, she laughed out loud and her mood became less serious. 

I watched as she covered her face with her hands, but not before I saw the first tear roll down her face. Then her hands wrapped around me, I never moved away from her like I usually did. I was doing the opposite, I hugged her back. She began to sob uncontrollably. "My baby boy...you're all grown-up. Now, I'm...I'm too old!" She laughed again but the tears came faster as she gripped at me more firmly. "I love you, Yusuke." 

"Same here," I muttered and I was given the look again and sighed in defeat. "I love you, too." And I meant every word. It was one of the rare moments when she showed any physical affection towards me, and I to her. Hearing Okaasan say 'I love you' was even rarer. As for me, I couldn't even remember the last time I told her I loved her. Finally, she ceased crying and wiped away any traces of her emotional breakdown. And just like that, she was my mother again. I watched her as she stood and moved through the living room and the kitchen. I suddenly became confused as she grabbed and slipped on her coat. "Where are you going?" 

She smirked mischievously. "On one of my adventurous escapades, of course! I've been in this apartment way too long and the night is calling my name." 

I frowned deeply, I should have seen this coming. My mother crying her heart out was giving her an excuse not to give me a gift. But I was fine with it, though. Just as soon as her birthday rolled around I would...

"Yusuke, catch!" Out of instinct I looked up, and caught the object aimed towards me. I opened my palm to see a key. What was this for? Okaasan must have seen my look because she went on to explain. "It's yours," She stated simply and before I could throw back a smart retort she walked over to me and placed a piece of paper in my hand. "All you need to do is follow the instructions and you'll see." Okaasan grinned again and headed to the door. "Sayonara," And I heard rustle of her coat and the soft click. 

I glanced back at the piece of paper and the key. Follow the directions and I would be led to something. I guess, it didn't seem too hard. I grabbed my jacket and left my home. From then on, I had this feeling of dread and excitement. I was praying whatever this thing was would be something I would enjoy. But mother was a practical joker, and the whole thing could be one of her ways of teasing me.

But I finally reached my destination. It was another apartment building and only a few blocks from mine. I climbed up the winding stairs and quickly made it to the top floor. I looked at the piece of paper in my hand and read the last direction. 'Use key to open door 7-C.' I hastily opened the door and pushed it open and only met darkness. I ran my fingers across the wall trying to find a switch but was unsuccessful. Then, I suddenly felt so angry. This had to be one of Okaasan's stupid jokes, she was just leading me around on a goose chase. Muttering, I was just about to leave when the room abruptly became very bright and shouts and yells rang in my ears. 

The door slammed shut and I was reeled around to see the least likely person. "Kuwabara!?"

He was laughing hysterically and I had the sudden urge to hit him and demand what was going on. He noticed my confused look, which only made his mirth more apparent. 

"See for yourself," Was the only thing he said before he moved beside me. 

My eyes scanned the room now packed with people that had not been there a few seconds ago. Some of them I could recognize, some of them I didn't even know. Music was booming in another room and the distinctive aroma of food mixed with alcohol, and cigarette smoke hit me. Everything suddenly fit together and I wondered briefly why I hadn't been able to figure it out before. My mother and friends ignoring me, and their hasty and vague conversations. They had been planning my birthday party...all this time. 

Kuwabara finally broke the silence between us. "In my opinion, Urameshi, I don't think you really deserved any of this." 

My eyes narrowed but my lips curved into a smirk. "Well, Kuwabara, the funny thing is, I never asked about what you think. But I'll let you know when I care." With those words, I moved away from him and started into the crowd of bodies. I was submerged in a nauseating heat. It was just your typical party. Deafening music, sweaty bodies pressing, rubbing against each other. I've been to parties like these, way too many times to count. And I knew that each person who came had only one thing on their mind. To drown their worries away with alcohol, drugs, and sex. 

But I did see a lot of familiar faces. I saw Shizuru on the balcony, talking quietly with Yukina. They saw me, and waved. I did the same before I continued on. I wasn't too sure, but I could have sworn I saw Hiei in one corner of the room then in another. I wasn't too positive about it though, it just could have been my imagination. I hadn't seen Keiko yet, but I knew she'd be here sooner or later. As soon as I had been around the apartment once, I felt my hopes crash. The one person I had wanted to see all day was not here. 

I was just about to go and find Kuwabara again, but then I felt someone's fingers run up my neck and cover my eyes. Before I could murmur a protest, I felt those fingers slip away and I turned to meet lavender orbs. I would never admit it to anyone, sometimes not even myself, but her eyes were hypnotic. During the day, they were a dark pink and at night, a light purple. 

"Hey," Botan greeted simply. She shyly glanced down at her feet then back up at me. 

"Hey," I muttered back. My eyes crept downwards and I noticed two things. One, she was wearing a dress and not her usual kimono. It wasn't anything formal, just a causal thing. But still, being the perverted teenager that I am, I could see her dress was very short. The hem ended nowhere near her knees. I didn't know what it was, but there was something about girls in skirts that always caught my attention. Botan's attire was white and I remembered someone saying that white somehow stood for innocence. The material clung to her frame like no other and to top off her outfit, she had chosen a thin jacket and sandals that brought out her eyes. The other thing I noticed was that Botan's hair was down. It wasn't like I had never seen it before, but it suddenly gave me the urge to run my fingers though each strand. 

In other words, she looked really...beautiful. 

"Gomen nasai," Botan said abruptly. I looked back up at her in slight puzzlement. "I didn't mean to ignore you, I've been wanting to speak with you all week. But it was Atsuko-san's idea and she made me promise not to tell you. Keiko and I just took care of the rest. The decorations and things like that." With a bright smile, she opened my curled hand and placed her gift in my palm. "Happy Birthday, Yusuke." 

"Arigato," I replied. 

Botan had this way of affecting me without trying. When I saw her it was like the world grinded to a halt. Then miraculously, started all over again in a whirlwind of her smiles, her looks, her laughs, everything that was her. And I couldn't help but want to be apart of it. I returned her smile with my own. I was definitely going to enjoy myself tonight. 

-

My heart skipped a beat when I felt Yusuke's hands creep around my waist. He placed his head in the crook of my neck and I leaned mine against his. The pounding music had faded into a slow song and we swayed along with the rhythm. He rocked me in his embrace and for some reason his hands felt fragile against me, almost like they were shaking. I took my own hand and placed it on top of his and Yusuke grasped it. He held me so close to him that I could think of nothing but this moment. 

I felt his lips, pressed against my neck, curve into a smile. "Maybe...this could work." He commented. 

"What?" I heard myself ask faintly. Suddenly, Yusuke veered me around to face him. His eyes were strangely dark. 

I never got my answer from him because he looked away from me. I was confused for second but I followed his gaze to see that he was staring at Keiko. She had told me that she would be arriving late so I was not too surprised. Yusuke glanced back at me. 

"I'll be right back." He said and let go me, making his way through the crowd. 

I shivered at the loss of warmth and even though he had promised to return, I felt a little upset. I moved away from the dance floor and headed to the balcony. It was the only place that no one was socializing at. My eyes went to the stars for a while and every so often I would glance inside and see Yusuke talking happily with Keiko. I sighed, a sense of defeat filling me. I felt like I could never receive what I truly wanted. 

"You look lonely," 

I turned around to see Shizuru standing behind me. I had spotted her with Yukina a while back, but I was guessing the ice maiden had gone to join Kuwa-chan. I smiled at her appreciatively as she stepped onto the balcony and took the empty chair beside me. 

"I am," I whispered honestly. I didn't dare look inside to find Yusuke, I was afraid he'd still be with Keiko. 

She smirked knowingly. "I saw you dancing with Yusuke, I didn't know you liked him." My smile became sheepish but it vanished from Shizuru's next comment. "I thought he was interested in Keiko." 

"Not anymore," I answered too hastily. From the corner of my eye, I could see Shizuru gazing inside. A mix of fear and curiosity came to me and I turned to stare too. I felt like someone had punched me across the face. Keiko was handing him a small package which was probably her gift to him. He smiled brightly, and I noticed it was something he did so easily when he was around her. And I watched, slowly but surely as Yusuke leaned in and kissed Keiko on the cheek. She blushed deeply and I felt waves of envy wash over me. But I didn't understand why it bothered me. It was just a kiss on the cheek...nothing more. I hoped. 

Shizuru was quiet for a moment, debating whether to remain silent or continue. "I thought they were still dating, I see them everywhere together." I gave her a surprised look, those words only made my mood worse. But she shrugged indifferently. Her voice filled with understanding. "Men can be very wishy-washy when it comes to women they're involved with, Botan." She smirked. "I know from too much experience." 

"I've seen the way Yusuke looks at her," I said abruptly, surprising myself and Shizuru. "It's almost as if he wasn't ready to let Keiko go, if he wanted to at all. I feel...like I barged in and ruined everything." 

She coughed awkwardly. "You shouldn't put so much blame on your shoulders. It doesn't help you at all, it only makes things worst." Shizuru paused for a second then continued. "At least, try and see it from Yusuke's point of view. Obviously, he sending mixed signals. But if it does not work out between you two, then be courageous and move on. It's an obstacle most women have to take on once in their life." 

I still didn't feel convinced from Shizuru's words of encouragement. In the back of my mind, I still wanted what every girl dreamed of as a child. To have the perfect romance, the knight in shining armor, and a fairy tale 'happily ever after' ending. I hoped for Yusuke to be my one and only. I knew it was selfish but I didn't want anyone else, just him. Despite myself, I turned and looked inside and I felt something break inside me. He was dancing with Keiko, the same way he had with me only minutes ago. I didn't realize I was about to cry until I felt the stinging in my eyes. I glanced skywards, the burning lessened but still lingered. 

I should have seen this coming. Keiko's known Yusuke all her life. They could probably finish each other's sentences and know what the other thought about every second of the day. They had a bond that was like no other, that was gradually built from friendship and love. Something I could barely scratch the surface of. Something I could never have for myself. Head bent, I turned away and concentrated on the sidewalk below. Shizuru was watching me intently. 

"Do you think he still loves her?" She asked. It was the same question I asked myself everyday.

__

Maybe...maybe not, a voice in my head would always answer back, _he loves her...he loves her not. _

It was just like pulling the petals away from a beautiful flower. Taking chances on probabilities that had a great chance of not being true. And I felt suddenly foolish for thinking this way. But still, my mind was weighed with doubt. I couldn't help but worry, now more than ever. I sighed and turned my eyes to the stars. Shizuru waited patiently for me to answer. 

"I don't know." I replied.

"Well, then," She began. "instead of beating around the bush, why don't you go find out. Hmm?" 

I stood up slowly and turned to look at Shizuru. I nodded and she nodded back before I turned away and went inside once more. Instead of trying to search for Yusuke I just wandered around the crowds of people. The apartment seemed even more packed and I had trouble getting through. Eventually, I reached the bedroom and to my surprise, it was untouched, deserted, and dark. The only light came from the moon's rays. There was a mirror hanging on the wall and I moved closer to stare at myself. I looked for so long, trying to find something, anything. People who were always self-conscious somehow imagined flaws that were never really there. I noticed over time that I was one of those people, I was good with self-pity. I would embrace it, be submerged in it, and let it take over me. 

I never heard the bedroom door open and close, and I didn't hear the footfalls that approached. But I knew who it was when I felt his arms wrap around and press me to him. I was stiff in his embrace but I don't think he noticed. 

"I've been looking for you." Yusuke commented. I watched in the mirror as he brushed his lips against my neck then my cheek. His hand rose and touched my face. He shifted it to the side so that I was looking directly at him. "Where did you go?" 

"I didn't know you cared, you seemed to be enjoying yourself so I didn't want to bother you." My words were harsher than I had expected.

"What's that suppose to mean?" When I didn't answer him, he turned my body to face his. "What are you talking about, Botan?" Yusuke stared at me to the point that I thought he would never look away. Then, understanding flooded his features. He pushed me gently against the wall and placed his hands on either side of me. He smirked. "You're jealous," My eyes narrowed and his smirk widened. I felt his finger slide up my arm, almost teasingly. "You can't really deny it, it's too obvious anyway." If I was not mistaken, there was some arrogance laced in his words. It only fueled my anger more. 

Yusuke's hand rose to cup my cheek but I slapped it away. But he seemed the least bit phased by it. "Don't touch me," I warned. 

"And what if I do?" He challenged, he was being so persistent. His hands fell to my sides and I felt his fingers entwine with mine. He raised both our arms and pressed them against the wall and I felt his frame awkwardly mold into mine. Our bodies were completely different. Yusuke was made up of lean muscle, sharp angles and ends. And I, lithe curves and slopes. 

In frustration, I struggled against him and I think it made Yusuke even more determined to keep me where I was. He placed his forehead against mine and all I could see was his brooding eyes. I felt like I was drowning in them. I don't know how much time passed, but finally, he began to close the space between us and I thrashed against him anew. I finally got my arm free and began to hit my fist against the wall. I heard the mirror fall from its place and shatter once it touched the floor. But my arm was not free for long, Yusuke grasped it again. 

"Why are you so jealous of her?" He asked so quietly, so suddenly that I stopped attempting to get myself away from him. 

My eyes widened as I tried to say something but I was too stunned. How could Yusuke ask me that? Didn't he realize why I was so angry with him? Before I could reply the door creaked open and we both turned to see Keiko standing there. A feeling of deja vu came over me. 

It was the only chance I had. As hard as I could, I shoved past Yusuke and muttered, "You figure it out." before leaving the bedroom. I didn't care anymore, I didn't want to care anymore. If Yusuke and Keiko were still in love and trying to hide it, then it was fine with me. I was just an obstacle to them, they would always end up being the perfect, meant-to-be couple. I didn't care. 

But if I was all right with everything, why was I crying? I felt the first sob rack my body, then another and another. There was no place for me to go. The balcony was crowded now and the apartment was just as crammed as ever. So, I pushed my way through and left. I jogged down the long stairs and reached the sidewalk. 

My hands clenched into fists and I shut my eyes and let each tear run freely. I didn't understand. Why did it hurt so badly? I should be happy or at least relieved. I wasn't in the middle of Yusuke an Keiko's off and on again relationship anymore. But I didn't feel relieved, let alone happy. I had never felt more miserable in my life. I remember Koenma-sama warning me about these kinds of situations. About how past deities had chosen to become humans because they had found love in Ningenkai. It always leads to trouble, I could hear his voice ringing in my head, that's why it is never a good thing when ferry girls fall in love. I scowled, why did he always have to be right?

"Baka," I uttered and I didn't know if I was talking to just myself, Yusuke or both of us. 

So, there I stayed. Crying until I could no longer cry and wallowing in this pity of mine. About an hour had passed when I heard those almost silent footsteps approach me and I felt my anger spring up again. 

"Leave me alone, Yusuke," I said tiredly. None of the rage I felt had even slipped into my words. " just turn around and go back inside." 

People would never describe me as an angry person, more bubble-headed and ditzy than anything. And I never liked being angry, it always kept me very sulky. Then again, I never liked it when I was classified as perky and happy-go-lucky either. I could be just as moody as the next person. But what could I say, love can make you do the strangest of things. 

"Gomen nasai," My eyes widened, that voice did not belong to Yusuke. But who...? Slowly, I turned around and came face to face with a pair of very beautiful emerald eyes obscured by crimson bangs. "I did not mean to intrude on you, Botan-san. My apologizes." 

"K-Kurama-san?" I stuttered. "I-I didn't know it was y-you." I started wiping away the tear stains from my cheeks as I cleared my throat. "I should be apologizing to you." I bowed my head respectfully, anything to keep from looking at him directly. 

I would never admit it to anyone, but his eyes scared me. They were chillingly haunting to say the least. Those orbs had seen things I couldn't even begin to imagine. Yet, they did something to me. They made me feel exposed, as vulnerable to his liking. No matter how much I tried to cover up, Kumara could see everything. My thoughts, my flaws, the very core of my being. Almost as if he was looking through open doors or reading pages from a book. His eyes could tear down all my defenses with a single, piercing glance. And for a brief moment I knew why women literally fell in love with him at first sight. There was something to Kurama others could not possess. He moved and spoke in ways that no one could forget. He was the true definition of mystery and allure. 

Eventually, I looked back up at him. Kurama nodded and gave me a small smile before walking away. I didn't want to be left alone but I didn't want to burden him with keeping me company either. But still, I couldn't stop myself from calling his name.

"Kurama-san?" 

He stopped but did not turn to face me. "Yes, Botan-san?" 

"Where are you going?" I tired to keep the question as light as possible without trying to pry. 

He turned then blinked. "Well," He began. "I was going to go home." 

In a span of two seconds, my face turned six different shades of red. How much stupider could I get? 

"Oh," I muttered. "okay. Good night." 

But Kurama kept his eyes on me and stood his ground. "Do you need me to take you somewhere?" He inquired. 

"What?" 

"Do you need me to take you somewhere?" He repeated. "Believe me, it is no trouble, Botan-san. Just tell me where." 

His invitation was tempting and I didn't feel like going back inside the apartment and bumping into Yusuke again. And, I hadn't seen Kurama in so long, I thought it would give us some time to have a good conversation and catch up. 

"But before you answer my question, I have only one condition," He said. 

"What would that be?" 

"Let's drop the formalities. I'd like to believe that you and I know each other more than just as acquaintances, but as friends." 

I smiled brightly. "Okay," 

Kurama smiled back. "Where would you like me to take you?" 

"Anywhere," Was my answer. 

I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but I could have sworn I saw something flash in Kurama's eyes. But it was gone before I could begin to recognize it. He nodded again before he turned and started walking. I followed closely behind and he led me a block or two away to his car, a very expensive looking, black convertible. 

Before I could reach for the handle of the car, Kurama had beaten me there. He opened the door and stepped to the side, bowing slightly. 

"There's no need to be so polite. If I'm not mistaken, I do recall you saying that we should drop the formalities." I told him with a grin, I was completely flattered by his manners.

He shrugged his shoulders, that same flicker coming to his eyes again. "Could you blame me, Botan?" He asked casually. "How could I not resist being so courteous to a lovely woman." 

From those words, my grin vanished. I stared at him and he stared at me. I felt a familiar heat burning on my cheeks and for a second, I wondered if I should go with him. "Kurama..." Was the only thing I could murmur before I climbed into the car and seated myself. 

The engine roared to life and we drove off into the night. Anticipation along with dread came to me, I hope I wouldn't regret this. 

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Author's Notes: Hey, everyone! I'm back and it feels good to be writing again. I'm so sorry about the delay. I have been So busy, you wouldn't believe it! But I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Now that the first four chapters are out of the way, I can finally get to the good stuff! I'd like to say thanks, thank you, and thanks so much to all who have read and reviewed. I love you all. Truly, I did not know there were so many Botan/Yusuke fans. And it's great to see that I'm not alone! 

Maybe some of you might be wondering where this story is going, couple wise. If I said anything right now, I'd ruin the rest of the story and you don't want me to do that! Anyway, I don't really have that much to say except: review. Let me know about what you think. Give me your suggestions, and constructive criticism. If you have questions for me, I can answer them in the upcoming chapter. Expect it around early next month at the most. Thank you again to all readers, see ya! 


	5. The Crimson Tide

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Author: Nirvana

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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan, Kurama/Botan, and Yusuke/Keiko. (sorry Y/B fans!)

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Rating: PG-13...later to be rated R

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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

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Summary: I felt his fingers run across my face, over my lips and through my hair. He murmured something that rolled off his tongue so smoothly...I felt Kurama's lips press against mine. (Botan's POV).

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners. 

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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy. 

A special thank you to my beta-reader, Cat-Youkai. You are the best! 

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Chapter 5-The Crimson Tide 

I leaned my head back against the seat and let the cool wind rush past my hair. The moon hung high in the dark sky, star lit and cloudless. I inhaled deeply and a strong aroma of salt water permeated the air and enveloped my senses. Every so often, the convertible would turn sharply on the winding road and I would brace myself each time. Even though Kurama and I had not talked the whole ride, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. We just had nothing to say, but we were still enjoying each other's company. I was thankful to him, for showing up when he did. I needed this. I had to clear my head for a little while. Still, I couldn't help but think of Yusuke. What was he doing? What if he was still with Keiko? What if they were doing much more than dancing? 

I concentrated on the moon and nothing else. This was the reason why I was here. I couldn't think of anything but the night, the wind and the stars. I don't know if it was out of pent-up frustration and anger or something else. But before I realized what I was doing, I formed my lips into a wide 'O' as I howled into the silence and heard my voice echo. I couldn't help but get this sense of freedom from everything.

I glanced over at Kurama and suddenly looked away, my face as red as a tomato. But I'll never forget the way he looked at me. The moon's rays bathing his face in its light, making his skin a pale, ghostly white. His eyes filled with complete wonder and unattainable wisdom while the tiniest of smiles tugged at his lips. 

We drove in placid silence for a good hour more before we reached our destination. Like before, Kurama, polite as ever, opened the door for me and stepped to the side. I climbed out and my sandals sunk slightly into the smooth, icy sand. I glanced over at the crashing tide in awe. I had been to the beach before but only during the day. It was new for me, seeing the waves hit against the damp sand, surrounded in nothing but darkness. 

"I come here almost every other day." Kurama stated quietly. "Just to think or when I'm tired of the suburbs and the city."

"Why did you choose this place?" I murmured. "Is there something special that happened to you here?" 

"You could say that." He answered, his eyes on the horizon. He looked at me. "Would you like see to something, Botan?" 

Smiling, I nodded and I followed him. Kurama walked in long, quick strides but slowed down enough so I would not fall behind. I wrapped my thin jacket tight around me to keep the little warmth I had left. Every so often, I would close my eyes and try to memorize and rediscover what the beach had to offer. I've been told that if a person were to lose one of their five senses, the remaining four would become stronger. I could feel the sand slip between toes from each step, the strong smell of saltwater, and hear the distant cries of seagulls. Kurama led me to several, tall pillars of jagged rocks. Between the tallest of the towering boulders, was a narrow spacing. 

"Do we have to?" I pleaded softly, I could barely hear myself speak over the ruthless wind.

He graced me with an enigmatic smile but said nothing. I felt his fingers grasp my own as we started into the tight opening.

I was careful not to tear my dress or lose my footing as we slowly progressed through. The farther we walked in, the more darker it became. But finally, and to my relief, we came to a formation that looked like a roughly sculpted stairwell made of sold rock. Without a word, Kurama took my other hand and assisted me as I climbed each step until we were at the top. There, I came face to face with an old, long, and not so safe-looking wooden bridge. 

"You'll have to be careful here," Kurama warned, he glanced downward. I followed his gaze and felt panic grab hold of me. The drop had to be at least one hundred feet or more and what was worst was the sharp rocks below. "It may be a little slippery, but just follow me and you'll be fine, Botan." 

I saw a pathway on the other side; maybe ten inches wide that led out round the cliff face. Small patches of dead grass that clung to the edges were just visible in the pale and cloud-shadowed moonlight. To my left was the starry sky and to my right the rugged wall of a great cliff that could have been anyone's doom if they were to jump from it. I glanced behind me at Kurama who waited patiently for me to take the first step. Faintly, I could feel his thumb running over my fingers and to a degree, it soothed me. 

"Relax," I could feel his breath so close to my ear. "you'll be across soon." 

I inhaled deeply, the sound of the ocean waves roused by the wind, hammering the rocks pounded in my ears. As I took each hesitant step, I could have sworn the bridge became narrower and narrower. The cold wind sliced at my skin and the water crashing against the boulders seemed to become louder. I took another step. It was kind of ironic, I mused, I was a ferry girl. Half the time I was in Ningenkai, I was on my oar, soaring amongst the clouds, noticeably higher than one hundred feet. But now, I'm standing on a timeworn bridge and scared to death. I never realized I had a fear of falling. I would have given anything to be on nice, even, concrete ground.

"Almost there," Kurama stated softly, through the screeching wind and the hard flapping of our clothes. Relief coursed through my body but was stolen away from me when I felt Kurama's hand slip away from mine. I turned my head to see that he was gone. 

"Kurama!" I exclaimed. Frantically, I looked around and saw him nowhere in sight. I stared down at the depths of the ocean but did not see the beacon of flaming red hair. Where could he have gone? How could he just disappear like that? My hands curled into fists, the warmth of his hand in mine a mere memory as my eyes becoming blurry. What if he was hurt? What if he was...? "Kurama!" I screamed again, deafened by the wind and fighting back the sob that I so desperately wanted to release. I closed my eyes and gradually sunk, leaning all my weight against the creaky bridge. I didn't know I was crying until I could taste the salt from my tears. 

I stayed there, clutching at the rope until I could feel my hands burn. I opened my eyes then, tears still streaming down my face and on shaky knees, I stood up. There's no need for fear, I told myself, all you need to do is get to the other side. I held out my hand, produced my oar, and seated myself on the slim handle. Some of my apprehension fell from my shoulders but I was still so worried. The only thing I wanted to do was find Kurama and make sure he was all right. I stepped off my oar once my feet touched the small pathway of the cliff. I glanced down at the ocean again, seeing no sign of a floating body. 

I grasped the rough face of the cliff and stepped closer to the edge. I felt loose rocks slip under the soles my feet, but I paid no attention. Just a little bit further, I urged myself, almost there. But pure terror seized up in me when I felt a pair of hands, hard and sudden, push me. I didn't have time to scream as the solid ground left my feet, I just stared up at the star-lit sky in wonder. 

I fell fast, prepared myself for the excruciating pain I was about to feel. The wind rushed past me and shivers ran down my spine. In all the centuries of being a deity, I never honestly believed a grim reaper could die. It seemed almost...unimaginable. But besides that, my thoughts were on Yusuke. I forgot that I was upset with him, I left every single worry about him behind. I wanted him here me. That was my greatest wish. Abruptly, I felt warm, strong arms around me. Someone was holding me, protecting me. I looked up and met emerald eyes. Kurama gripped at me until there was no more space separating our bodies. I wrapped my arms around him, my anxiety eased a little bit. And for a brief moment, I thought that maybe I had stupidly slipped from the cliff by accident. He was only trying to save me. 

And then I felt the slap of waves against our bodies as we broke the surface and plummeted. Among the silence of the ocean's depths and the faint howling of the wind, I was submerged into a whirlwind of memories. None of which were my own. 

__

I stood, my feet digging into the damp sand, and my eyes on the tide. It wasn't the dark blue that I remembered but a very thick crimson. I crutched down and dipped my hand into the ocean and pulled it away quickly. Blood, the ocean was nothing but blood. I stumbled back, my eyes scanning the scenery before falling upon a girl. And from her body, a trail of blood was present.

I didn't understand why, but I felt alarmed. I ran towards her, as fast as my legs could carry me. I got to my knees and gently touched her cheek before bringing my fingers to her neck, checking for a pulse. Alive, I thought, she is still alive. But who was she? This girl, in a way, looked foreign. Her hair was wavy and long, the color almost auburn. Abruptly remembering that she was injured, I turned her back to face me and my eyes widened when I saw the freshly made, deep slash marks that horribly decorated her pale flesh. 

It didn't make sense. What was this girl doing here by herself? How did she get these wounds? Why was I so worried about her? I had never laid eyes on her before until now. I glanced up when I noticed her eyes were open. She stared at me without moving, her orbs a beautiful cobalt blue. She opened her mouth but no sound came from her lips. I leaned closer, trying to hear her. But her lips only moved but no words formed. 

The girl's eyes widened and she raised her hand, pointing behind me. I never had the chance to look before I felt a hand grab my neck. I struggled, precious air leaving my lungs as it became too difficult to breathe. The grip was strong and I had no luck trying to pull the fingers away. Out of desperation, I opened my mouth and an ear-piercing scream escaped from me. 

Lips captured mine roughly, silencing me and leaving me helpless. I didn't dare open my eyes. I was afraid, in the back of mind, I knew who was doing this, who had hurt this girl. I knew, but I didn't want to admit it. I felt my hands fall slack against me as I felt every fiber in my body being drained. It was then I realized I was dying, and that's when I felt the tears streaming down my face. 

Okaasan and Misao had told me not to get involved with him. 

Misao had warned me the most. But I never listened. What did a fourteen year old know about love? 

More than I do, I thought bitterly. 

Misao, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

I felt thick drops of my own blood seep from my mouth as he continued to kiss me. Then, a sharp object ruthlessly cut through my neck before I collapsed against the sand next to my sister. She was staring at me, her own cheeks wet from tears. I tried to reach out to her, I wanted to apologize so much. I'm sorry Misao, that's all I wanted to say. I wanted her to forgive me for putting her through this. But my hand fell as everything started to darken. 

Before I felt my last breath of air leave me, I looked up at him. He stared right back at me, his hands and lips drenched with my blood, waiting patiently for my death. He didn't scare me but his eyes did. Gazing at him made me feel like my heart had been painfully ripped from my chest. In his eyes, regret, sadness, anger, and something that was so unholy swirled together and clashed for dominance. 

His eyes, a breathtaking emerald that I had fallen in love with, shone with uninhibited malevolence. 

"Botan," 

__

My eyes snapped open before I sprung up, cold sweat clinging to my skin. I felt hand gripping at my shoulders and then another hand gently forcing me to look up. I nearly pushed myself away from Kurama once I realized it was him. He stared at me, startled as well by my reaction. I glanced around, my fear had faded enough for me to notice that I was no longer outside. I wasn't on the bridge or the cliff, I wasn't falling to my possible death. Instead, we were nestled in a dank, sandy cave. The clouds from before had drifted away from the moon, letting its light shine in to illuminate the entire cavern. 

"What happened to you?" I whispered. "I thought you were..." But I trailed off, unwanted tears threatening to come back anew. 

Carefully, Kurama stepped closer to me, and this time, I didn't move away when he held me again. The distinctive smell of roses enveloped my senses. He frowned. "I shouldn't have done that." He commented. "I didn't realize you would be frightened by my little trick. Gomen nasai, Botan-san. I had no intention on scaring you that much, I was being careless. I was even more upset when you fainted." 

I was speechless for a few seconds before it dawned on me. Kurama? Playing a joke on me? It seemed unfathomable. I was still a little too shocked to yell at him, but like Kurama had said, he had had no intention on frightening me. 

"Fainted?" I repeated eventually. "But...it felt so real." 

"What did?" Kurama inquired looking down at me. 

"Nothing," I replied hastily, flushing in embarrassment. 

The dream, no, the nightmare, had been so vivid. The crimson tide, the blood, the girl, my death. Who was Misao? Was it that girl? I felt shivers run up my spine from thinking of it. I leaned on Kurama, my heart still racing. It couldn't have been a dream, it was too real. And if it was real, then the person responsible...had green eyes. 

__

Kurama has green eyes, I heard a voice in my head point out. 

Don't think about it, I thought, not now.

__

Maybe he might know something... 

Don't think about it! 

"How did you find this place?" I breathed, turning my attention to Kurama. 

"A little bit of exploring and a person can come across anything." He replied. "Actually, I found it about a year ago. It's nothing really special but it's a place I can turn to when I need solitude. And you, look like a person who actually enjoys being alone once in a while." 

For a brief moment, something bothered me. I wondered why Kurama would be wandering around here. Crossing a bridge with a one hundred foot or more drop, it didn't add up in my head. But I stored the question away. It wasn't any of my business and maybe one day, I could ask him about it. I shifted my body and I remembered then that I was still in Kurama's embrace. I stiffened up immediately. I felt his arms loosen around me before he let me go, his eyes fading back into their normal blankness. 

Kurama stood up, glancing outside. "I'll be right back, Botan-san." He promised. "There's something I want to get." 

"Kurama?" I called gently. He looked at me and I smiled. "Remember? No formalities." 

He said nothing but returned my smile before he left the cave and left me to myself. While he was gone, I went through every part of the cave, learning every detail by heart. I ended up outside, watching the moon and the dark waves and listening to the wind. I never heard Kurama until he sat down next to me and draped a coat around my shoulders. I sighed in gratitude, enjoying the warmth. 

"Arigato," I said. "but is this what you went back for?" 

Kurama only shook his head and stood up. "Come inside and I'll show you." 

I did as he requested and it was then that I noticed the blanket tucked under his arm and a bottle of something and two wine glasses in the other. Carefully, he placed the items down before reaching for the thick cloth and spreading it out over the sandy ground. He sat down and I joined him. Wrapping my fingers around the neck of the bottle, I carefully looked at the contents. Even though the name was unfamiliar to me, Hennessy 1765, I could tell it was definitely champagne. 

I handed it over to Kurama and he opened it with a loud pop. He poured me and himself a glass. I studied the bubbly liquid before I looked at him, I shrugged. 

"I've never had champagne before." I admitted. 

"I guarantee you'll like it." Kurama encouraged. "But before you do, let's make a toast. Cheers to..." 

"Friendship," I smiled raising my glass to meet his and I pulled it away when I heard the satisfying 'clang.' 

"Friendship," He repeated. "and something more..." 

I was about to ask him what he meant by that but I stopped myself when he looked at me expectantly. I hesitated for a just a second before I pressed the glass to my lips and took a long sip. When I moved the glass away, my cheeks were already flushed and I suddenly felt so giddy. It tasted sweet, but just like sake, it burned as it when down my throat. I smiled, then giggled. "It tastes good." My voice was a little slurred and my body was tipsy, just from one drink. 

I don't think I had ever heard Kurama laugh like he did that night. It was sudden, pleasant, unguarded, and reminded me of the champagne we were drinking together. I found myself even more enticed with him. He was so...I couldn't even put it in words. But somehow, making him laugh made me feel special. 

"I knew you would like it here." Kurama said, his laughter dying down. "You are the first person that I've shown this place to."

"I feel honored." And I meant it. 

"You should come up here and see the dawn, it's breathtaking." 

"So I'm allowed?" I inquired. "I can come here whenever I want to?" 

"Always," He answered. "that is, if you're not afraid of crossing the bridge." 

At this, I shuddered and I was graced with another laugh. From then on, we talked openly. Like I had hoped, Kurama and I caught up and enveloped ourselves in memories and adventures of the Reikai Tantai. We thought about what our futures may hold for us. We talked about everything and anything. Eventually, we finished the bottle of champagne and together; we folded the blanket and left the cave. 

But I remember vaguely, when the moon had vanished behind the horizon. When the sun would rise very shortly, Kurama and I were walking along the beach and my eyes had been on the sky. I watched each and every star perform their disappearing act. When it happened, it was almost like a blur. Kurama grabbed me, his eyes darkening. I felt his fingers run across my face, over my lips and through my hair. He murmured something. I couldn't tell if it was a different language, but it rolled of his tongue so smoothly, just like when he utters my name.

But all those thoughts left me when I felt Kurama's lips press against mine.

It was almost as if someone had slapped me. Everything suddenly fit together as we sunk lower and lower into the sea's depths. Kurama appearing out of nowhere at the apartment. Kurama offering me a ride. Kurama taking me to the beach. Kurama taking me places and showing me things no other living soul had seen. Just to have this moment with me. It made sense. 

I won't lie about it, I didn't want to, but I started to compare. Kurama's kisses were so tender that I felt my body quiver and the remaining air I had leave my lungs. His kiss held an indescribable warmth, a flowing sensation that I could feel from my head, to my pounding heart, all the way down to the tips of my toes. I felt my arms circle around Kurama to bring him closer. And I felt my fingers run through his soft hair. All the while, my mind kept replaying a constant and treasured memory. I remember the last time Yusuke kissed me. His body straddling mine and a beautifully wicked smirk playing across his lips. His kisses were so different from Kurama's. They were addictive, thorough, demanding and passionate. Almost as if Yusuke had put his own everything into each one. All of his emotions and thoughts somehow became my own. Somehow, it always left me in a heady rush. 

Kurama and I eventually separated for air. The guilt hit me so hard that I had to bite down on my lip to keep from yelling in frustration. I felt like I had betrayed Yusuke. But then what about his relationship with Keiko? What was that supposed to mean? Even though I was upset, part of me did not care. Maybe I had kissed Kurama out of jealousy and other selfish reasons. Or maybe it could have been the fateful consequences of drinking. But the main point was, I wanted to kiss him and technically, Yusuke was not my boyfriend. 

In silence, Kurama and I walked to his convertible and drove back to the metropolis. It was still too early in the morning for anyone to be awake. But in a few hours, the streets and sidewalks would be filled with people carrying out their tasks for the day. I stiffened when I felt the car stop and Kurama's eyes on me. Why did I have to put myself in this predicament? What was I supposed to do now?

-

I climbed out of the car and jogged up the steps of the apartment building. I didn't want to get into details about what took place between Kurama and I just a few minutes ago. For the next few days, I knew, I would be replaying it in mind a hundred times over. I ran up the seven flights of stairs to Yusuke's apartment and opened the door to find the living room deserted and swarmed with trash. Faintly, I could hear soft music coming from the stereo and I frowned each time my ankles brushed against a crushed can of liquor. I could hear some whispering coming from the bedroom and felt the anger I had experienced come over me again. I would not be surprised if it was Yusuke and Keiko. 

Reaching for the knob, I turned it and pushed the door open and my eyes widened. I had braced myself for the scene I had imagined in my head. But what I saw was the complete opposite. Koenma was leaning against the wall, his head bent and his bangs shadowing his eyes. When he looked up and our gazes locked, an impatient frown crossed his lips. My attention went to the bed. And there, laid none other than Yusuke. His eyes on the ceiling, looking drained and exhausted. 

"I was starting to wonder when you'd come back." Koenma stated quietly. "We've been waiting for you, Botan. And for quite a while, I might add." 

"More like the whole night," I heard Yusuke mutter under his breath, his gaze still on the ceiling. He sat up suddenly, glaring at the Reikai Prince. "Now that she's back, can you tell me what you need to say and leave?!"

Koenma ignored his question and looked back at me. "Where were you, Botan?" He raised an eyebrow. "It isn't the greatest thing when my best assistant decides to disappear for a while, especially when she's needed, ne?" 

Half of what he said didn't reach my ears. I was too lost in my own memories. Sitting in the convertible, damp from head to toe and still shivering. His eyes had been on me, flooded with an emotion I couldn't recognize. He eventually pulled me to him and surrounded me in his warmth. And just like before, I didn't fight back. I never wanted to. 

_I am fixated with you_ _Botan_, was the only thing Kurama murmured, his lips pressed against my ear and his fingers raking through my hair. _I don't know if you realize it or not, but you have captured my heart without even trying. _

I was in awe by his words. No one, not even Yusuke had ever said something so sincere. I remember kissing him then, all the guilt I felt leaving me. It was a short kiss, as swift as a heartbeat. I moved my lips away from his and I realized that I was shaking as I stepped out of the car. Tonight had not gone the way I planned. In just a few hours, everything had turned inside out. For that night, I wanted to feel like the most important girl to him. Earlier that evening, as I got myself ready for Yusuke's birthday party, I had hoped he would have his eyes only on me. 

But I guess, fate was weird like that. I had wanted affection from one person and had gotten it from another. Not from the man I loved but from a man I was so suddenly infatuated with. And as I walked up those steps to Yusuke's apartment, I no longer felt as lucky as I had that evening. I felt...so horrible. 

And that still left that dream.

Whoever 'he' was, had green eyes. 

"Botan?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Koenma's voice. "Where were you?" 

I shrugged my shoulders as my cheeks became very warm. "I was with Kurama." 

At this response, Koenma-sama's eyebrow seemed to rise even higher and Yusuke looked at me for the very first time. Something flashed through his eyes but was gone in a blink of an eye. However, it was present long enough for me to know. It was the first traces of anger and jealousy. I smiled inwardly, sweet satisfaction coming over me. Now, Yusuke would know how I felt. He ran his fingers through his hair and my gaze fell upon the simple, gold band he was wearing on his ring finger. It had never been there before and the only conclusion I could think of was...it had to be Keiko's gift. For the second time, I felt something in me break.

"Kurama?" Yusuke mumbled. "I never saw him at the party." 

"Maybe you just didn't notice him." I suggested, my voice a little sharper than I had liked. "Besides, you were busy." 

He glanced at me again, his eyes just a bit darker. "I looked everywhere for Kurama, I never saw him." 

I was about to protest but Koenma cleared his throat in obvious annoyance. "There's some tension between you two." He stated. "And personally, I couldn't care less. Just as long as it doesn't get in the way of your next case." 

Yusuke groaned loudly before a string of curses escaped from his mouth. I only frowned, I was still too tired. "What's the case about this time, Koenma-sama?" 

"It's simple really," He responded, in his hands was a folder. "you see, your previous case is still unsolved." 

I became confused. "What do you mean? I sent you the report and I was the only witness when Yusuke destroyed the youkai. How can-?"

"I know all of that, Botan." Koenma interrupted. "Your report was just as excellent as ever and I, myself, had believed the case was done. However, just two nights after the supposed death of the youkai, dead bodies started turning up. Even more quickly than before. In only one night, this new threat had killed twenty ningens and the number is increasing rapidly. I've tried my best to get any leads but I've had no luck. That's why I'm sending you two on this case immediately." 

"Wait a minute," Yusuke said. "are you saying that either the demon I took out is still alive or it's a different youkai all together?" 

"Yes or it could be even more than just one youkai." Koenma responded. 

"Koenma-sama," I murmured. He looked at me. "you said the ningen bodies were dead. Does that mean that the demon stole the souls as well?" 

Slowly, he shook his head. "Actually, the youkai didn't even take the souls of the people he murdered. That's what leads me to believe that this is a different youkai. This demon does not feed on souls but something else." 

"And what would that be?" Yusuke asked, his voice a little anxious. 

Koenma handed the folder over to me and I flipped it open. I felt my eyes widened and a wave of nausea come over me. There had to be numerous pictures of dead bodies. But that wasn't what bothered me so much. It was that each human was shriveled and decapitated. And as I looked at each photograph, I didn't realize my hands were shaking until Yusuke stood up and gently pried the folder away from my fingers. 

"It's nourished on human blood." I stated and Koenma nodded solemnly. I shuddered suddenly. "How much time do Yusuke and I have to solve this, Koenma-sama?" 

"I'd prefer that you two get started on this right now. We can't have this many deaths at one time." He responded. "But due to all this unplanned activity, there are a lot more souls that need to be guided to Reikai. I've sent all the remaining ferry girls to aid you in collecting." 

"Arigato," I bowed respectfully. 

Koenma once again nodded. "I'll meet you in Reikai shortly." And with those words, he left the room.

It took every fiber in me not to look at Yusuke as I picked up my belongings. I stepped towards the door; I was so close to freedom. But I knew it was too good to be true. I heard him approach me before his fingers entwined with mine. He slowly turned me to face him and I felt my body go rigged as Yusuke continued to stare. 

"Don't look at me like that." I implored gently. I took a step back but his grip tightened. 

"I don't love her." Yusuke said firmly. "All we did was dance and talk. Nothing else happened." 

"Stop lying to me!" I snapped loudly, abruptly. "You keep denying the truth. Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" 

"Botan-"

"I don't care anymore. I don't want to. If you and Keiko still love each other then I'm not going to stop it. You can be together. There is no need for you to keep everything a secret." Despite myself, my voice lowered to a soft murmur. "You always had to be so selfish. I don't know if you understand it or not. I...waited so long to have you, and for a little while I did. 

"For that brief moment, Yusuke, I was so happy with you. I felt like I had a chance, that maybe you could love me just as much as you loved her." Hesitantly, I leaned my head against his shoulder. "What you said to me last night, you were right. I was so jealous of Keiko because she had something I did not. Something I had craved for down to the very core of my being. 

"No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I was forced to face reality. I'm tired of fighting for you, Yusuke. And I'm tired of worrying that you'll go back to Keiko because you were never ready to let her go." I wrapped my arms around him. "You have no idea what you do to me. But you don't love me and I'm not going to force you to." I pulled away from him. "What happened between us was a careless mistake." 

"A mistake?" Yusuke repeated. I was taken aback when his hands clenched. But he never raised his voice above a whisper. "Is that what you think it was?" 

"Yes," I answered. "I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you. I'll do whatever I can to get rid of these...feelings I have for you. I can't, I don't want to love you anymore, Yusuke." I forced a laugh then, my eyes blurry. "But it's better this way, right? Now, you can have Keiko and not worry about me bothering you." 

Without waiting for his response, I turned and walked out of the bedroom. Before he could yell after me and before I could see the expression on his face. A silent turmoil of sorrow and anger.

-

How long had it been? One hour, two hours? No, it had been three hours. Three hours I waited in the bone chilling rain as I watched the small house. I could no longer feel the cold; my mind was only on my muddled thoughts. His home, only a few steps and corridors away, he was there. It had taken me a while to find the exact place but now I stood there and I had moved no further. And after hours of waiting, only a few moments ago, I realized that I was nervous. I was afraid to see him, to stare at him, to talk to him. I had lived years upon years without his comfort, so why was I here now? 

I needed to see him. It was just plain fact. I _needed _to see him. May it only be for a few seconds, I desperately wanted to see his face. To memorize his features just like I had done so many times during the single night we spent together. I just wanted to keep it locked in my mind. I would never verbally admit it, but he had a hold on me. With all my heart, I wanted to break it, but I had no strength to. All these feelings, I thought, just being in his company did this to me. 

But I knew the real reason why I needed him so badly. I no longer had Yusuke. I, against my will or not, was using him for my own selfish reasons. Yet a part of me was going to him for another reason. Something that I couldn't even explain. Now I stand here, trying to move myself forward but unsuccessfully. I stiffened when I noticed the steady drops of rain were not beating against my head. I glanced skyward to see the umbrella shielding my frame from the pouring mist and I turned to stare into emerald eyes. Kurama gazed at me for the longest time. 

"What are you doing out here?" He asked gently. 

"I was waiting for you." I answered hesitantly. "But it started to rain and I...had no other place to go until it stopped." 

I was still dressed in my school uniform, my book bag clutched tightly in my hands. Even though Koenma had requested that Yusuke and I start our new case as soon as possible, I had left when the dismissal bell rang. But all through the hours of the day, I could remember Yusuke's quick and desperate glances toward me. I ignored them all, even though my heart ached to have him near me. I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. And instead of heading home, I wandered here. Hoping for...something beyond words. 

"I see," He commented. "But, I no longer live here. However, my mother does." He glanced towards the house. "Would you like to come in?" 

"I don't want to be a burden-" 

"You aren't," Kurama interrupted. "Please, follow me." 

I did as he requested and together, we walked across the street, onto the stoop and into his home. It was eerily quiet there, dark, but very warm. Kurama placed his umbrella aside and ushered me into the living room where a woman laid. Her eyes were closed and her breath was slow and shallow. For a second, a look a of surprise and worry passed through Kurama's features before it was gone. 

"Okaasan," He whispered. Instantly, her eyes opened and gazed towards his. She smiled. "you are still not well. It is not good for you to be out of bed." He stepped closer to her while he said this, taking her hand into his. 

"Shuuichi, you worry so much about me. Your mother is fine." This comment was followed by a series of sharp and painful coughs. I watched as Kurama's grip on his mother's hand became tighter. It was the only sign of his frustration, his helplessness. To me, it felt like I shouldn't have been there. Like I was intruding on such a private moment between mother and son. He talked to her in tender murmurs and sincere words until her body stopped shaking. Until all the concern he felt was lessened by just a little. "Now, who is this you have with you?" She asked. 

All eyes on me, I thought. 

"Forgive me, Okaasan. I have not yet introduced you. This is my friend, Botan. Botan, this is my mother, Minamino Shiori." 

I stepped closer and bowed. "Good afternoon, Minamino-san." 

Her smile widened and I felt my lips tug ever so slightly. She looked back at her son. "Shuuichi, if it is not too much trouble, I need an extra blanket. I feel a little chilled." 

"Of course," Kurama was on his feet and past me in a flash, his footfalls fading into the silence. 

I leaned against the wall, again questioning why I had come here. I glanced up when Shiori brought herself to an upright position to stare at me. It was then I noticed, with the smile faded and her eyes on mine, how deathly pale she looked. Her features expressed nothing but fatigue. But even still, there was something else that was keeping her from showing it. 

"It's been a while," Shiori stated quietly, suddenly. "Shuuichi has not brought much company and it worries me." She folded her hands together before she stared at me once more. "It makes me scared." 

"Why?" I asked. Then I added quickly. "I don't understand what you mean, Minamino-san." 

"A mother never wants her child to be alone. It is possibly the worst thing any parent would want to happen to their child." Her smile vanished. "Shuuichi, sometimes, in other people's eyes, is like broken glass. So interesting to look at but too dangerous to touch."

I pushed myself away from the wall and came closer to her. "If you do not mind me asking," I began politely. "why are you telling me this? You and I have only properly met for the very first time today. What makes you think that I'm not one of those people?"

"By the way you look at my son." Shiori's smile had returned. "To me, you seem like one of the few who want to know him, unmask him. And that, is a rare thing. You look at Shuuichi and I see curiosity and the beginnings of deep affection for him." She laughed then, beautifully unhindered by obvious sickness and in a way that made me want to share her joy. "But I'm not taking my words to heart, just woman's intuition." 

I wanted to talk a little more. Though, at that moment, Kurama walked back in, a comforter in one hand and a towel in the other. He handed me the towel and I wrapped it around myself gratefully while smiling my thank you. He walked towards his mother and encircled her in the large blanket, taking care to tuck in each side. 

"Arigato, Shuuichi." Shiori said. 

"Always," Kurama replied. "Have you eaten, Okaasan?" 

"Not since lunch." She answered. "But that was about three to fours hours ago." 

"Would you like me to prepare a meal for you?" 

"That..." She yawned softly, her eyes heavy with long awaited sleep. "would be nice. But how about in a little while. If Botan-san decides to stay, we...can all eat together." And with those words, Shiori closed her eyes and drifted off into peaceful sleep. 

Kurama stood by her for a long moment before he turned and looked at me. Out of instinct, I glanced down at my feet as he approached me. I watched as his hand, slowly and with so much hesitancy, rise. I could feel the warmth from his palm as he was just about to touch my cheek. Yet abruptly, it fell slack against his side again, almost as if it never happened. 

"Gomen, you must be cold, Botan." Kurama stated. "Let me make you some hot chocolate." 

I strolled out of the living room and seated myself at the dining table in the kitchen. The towel was still wrapped around me and the heavenly aroma of cocoa permeated the air. From the corner of my eye, I watched Kurama as he carefully made two mugs of the sweet, hot liquid. He had placed a small pan filled with milk on the stove, retrieved powered chocolate in the cabinet, and two spoons from a drawer. I listened but eventually closed my eyes. I heard the now hot milk poured into each mug and the clings and clangs as Kurama mixed. And when I dared to open my eyes, he stood in front of me and placed the mug in my open palms. 

"Thank you," I said before taking a sip and smiling. 

"You're welcome." He sat across from me, keeping his gaze on the table. 

We remained quiet for what seemed like forever. There was tension between us, rising steadily and was just to about to spill. Kurama's eyes no longer held the indescribable wonder. They were blank, brooding, and guarded. The complete opposite of what he was the night before. Why was he acting so differently around me? 

Kurama placed down his mug and stood up. I silently watched him as he stared outside. Then finally, "The rain has stopped." He commented. "Won't you join me outside?" 

I got to my feet and followed him through the front door and to the backyard. The sky was still gray and the air was heavy with fog as walked through the wet blades of grass. Until we reached the backyard, I kept my eyes on my feet. But when we did look up, I had never expected to be in so much awe.

The yard was vast, with perfectly trimmed grass and a wide pebble path that led to an archway made up of deep crimson roses. There was a table with a base of twisted vines and the tabletop itself was an old, wooden door. On top of the table were coiled-metal candelabras with unlit, white candles. In the middle of the backyard was a small birdbath surrounded and almost concealed by leaves, stems, and overflowing with water and floating lilies. And all this beauty was encircled in a large garden of assorted flowers, with each and every petal kissed by the rain. 

"It's beautiful," I said. I glanced back at Kurama. "you did all of this?" 

He nodded before he smiled, almost sheepishly. "I knew you would like it." He glanced in another direction. "But, there is something else I want to show you." 

He led me into the deepest, darkest reaches of the garden. The threshold marked and shaded by tall, sakura blossom trees. There was a bench, just at the foot of the largest of the trees. That's where Kurama and I sat, watching the garden and sky and admiring the pure beauty of nature. I gathered my arms together and shuddered. I was still cold but not too much for it too be unbearable. The same silence crept upon us but this time, it was different. 

"Last night," I began. "I didn't get the chance to thank you. You went out of your way to help me." I smiled brightly. "Honestly, in any other situation, I would have never dreamed of finding comfort with you, Kurama." 

After those words slipped from my lips, his eyes were on me. Staring with such an intensity that thrilled and scared me. Then Kurama smiled briefly and sighed. "I will be straightforward with you." He looked away from me. "Last night," The simple phrase seemed to hold the answer to everything. "I was a little crazy, completely drunk on champagne." Almost out of thin air, a gorgeous flower appeared in his hands. Looking more closely, I realized that it was a peony. "But I meant every word." Kurama promised. Carefully, he tucked the flower behind my ear while gently pushing my hair away. "Everything I said to you last night was the truth." 

It was like forgetting how to breath. That's how much the guilt was weighing on me. Yet, I couldn't understand. Why did being here, being near Kurama, hearing him say these things, hurt so much? 

I felt Kurama's hand touch my own before he pulled me into his arms. 

__

I remembered being held just the same way. In the chilling rain, tangled in Yusuke's embrace and briefly forgetting the world around us existed. 

Kurama leaned his forehead against mine, his fingertips tracing along my face. 

__

I remember the night I came back to Ningenkai. Enfolded in blankets from Yusuke's bed as he ran his fingers across my face.

I never fought back when Kurama pressed his lips against my cheek, before he began to slowly make a trail to my own lips. 

For a brief moment, his crimson hair melted into depthless black and his emerald eyes became a beautiful chocolate brown. It was not Kurama with me, but Yusuke. Holding me, telling me that he loved me. But once that second passed, it took me so long to realize that it was only my strong reminiscing. I realized then that I was no longer upset with Yusuke. More than anything, I missed him. I needed him, I had to see him. 

I felt my hands curl into fists when Kurama leaned in and kissed me. I was limp against him and I never responded to his advances as my eyes began to sting. One by one, each tear began to stream down my face. 

-

I held her to me, like I had done a million times over. I remember, from way back when, she always smelt of vanilla and something that was uniquely her. And with each day in and day out, I find myself wandering towards her for comfort. She would accept me with open arms and her brilliant smiles. Always loyal and always so compassionate. I wonder, every, single minute of the day why we broke apart as lovers and stumbled back to being friends. And I was curious to know if she thought of this too. She and I had been through so much together. I depended on her; I needed her like I needed air. So I clutched at her tighter, and she returned my embrace with just as much and more. 

"What's wrong with you, Yusuke?" Keiko asked quietly. "You are acting so strange." 

"How?" I replied with a question, my eyes were on the sky. 

"For one thing, you never hug me without an explanation." She pulled away then as she sat up. "And secondly, you've been acting like this for the past week, ever since your birthday. Obviously, you're trying to keep everything bottled up and that's not good. Just tell me what's wrong and let's see if I can help you." 

"Nothing's wrong." I lied and she knew immediately but decided not to say a word. 

Instead, Keiko ran her fingers through the blades of grass, holding her hair back as the wind swept past her. She was humming a tune and waiting patiently for me to change my mind. It was her way of silently coaxing me into confession. After all this time, from the very first day that I met her, she could read me so easily. Yet, she sometimes felt like a complete stranger to me. I had only begun to crack the surface of what this girl thought and felt. 

"What happened to us?" I inquired carefully. Her humming stopped as she looked at me. I sat up then, meeting her eyelevel. "Why didn't we ever make it?" 

Gently, Keiko smiled. "A lot of reasons, I guess. But truthfully, I don't know." 

Another strong wave of air hit us both. The breeze played with each strand of her hair and I remembered being so awed by the sight. Eventually, I returned her smile. This is how we were. Blissfully lost somewhere between best friends and something more. I just didn't know what that something was. I wanted to find out, I wanted to know so badly. 

But every now and then, Botan kept holding me back. 

_I don't want to love you anymore, Yusuke. _

Her words kept ringing in my head. Everything around me reminded me of her. The violet hue in the clouds just before nightfall and the fragrance of flowers in the afternoon. I was just beginning to realize that I had lost her because I wanted the best of both worlds. Like always, I was being inconsiderably selfish. It was just like me, making stupid decisions that always caused my downfall. I smirked bitterly, my hands clenched. I missed Botan, I was so afraid of not having her. 

I glanced at Keiko as her hand rested on top of mine. She ran her fingertip over the gold band. Again, she smiled, but this time it was wistful. "Do you remember how you gave me this ring, Yusuke?" She asked. 

"Why wouldn't I?" I leaned my shoulder against hers. "It all started when we were twelve years old. When I found out that you might have been moving away. I was devastated at first, but I wanted to give you something to remember me by. You were leaving that day by train and I had the ring in my hand." I grinned. "I still think Okaasan doesn't know I stole it from her drawer." 

Keiko laughed but hit my shoulder affectionately. "I was boarding the train when I saw you. I swear, I'd never seen you run so fast when the train started to move. But what you said next excited and angered me." She rested her head against my shoulder. "'I hate you,'" She uttered. "'You're just like everyone else, Keiko. Bossy, always nagging at me, always...leaving me by myself. If I need to, I'll make you stay here with me.'"

"And to this day, I still mean it." I continued the story. "I offered the ring to you and you smiled. Then Keiko, you said, 'I could never imagine leaving a friend all alone. I will stay here with you, Yusuke. This is a promise between best friends.'" 

"We were only twelve." Keiko repeated. "That was seven years ago, Yusuke." She laughed. "Turns out I never moved away. So, I thought it was time for me to return what belonged to you." 

"Thank you," I responded. I grasped her hand. "What if we started over again?" I asked aloud. 

Keiko stared at me in surprise. "What...?"

"Start over," I repeated. "It doesn't have to be the way it was before. I know if we had tried harder, if we hadn't argued as much, I know it would have worked. Besides," I wrapped an arm around her, I had the sudden urge to make her furious with me. All I needed was the right words of persuasion. "you're older now, Keiko, and you've finally filled out in all the right places." My hand 'innocently' brushed against her hip. 

At first, a look of confusion came to her at my sudden change of behavior. Then it disappeared and was replaced with pure anger as her cheeks flushed. She raised her hand high. 

"Yusuke!" Keiko exclaimed, eyes narrowed dangerously. "You pervert, you jerk!" 

Quickly, her hand descended down to deliver a very hard slap to my face but what I did next stopped her. 

"Keiko?" I uttered her name very softly and solemnly. Her hand stopped instantly, just inches away from my face. 

I smiled, the perfect opportunity had presented itself. Slowly, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. I was expecting my body to be shaking with nerves and my heart to be pounding wildly. But none of that happened. I felt nothing at all. I realized that kissing Keiko was different now. It was warm and comforting, almost like kissing a sister. In other words, it didn't feel right anymore. I pulled away finally, my eyes on hers. Keiko's raised hand fell slack to her side as she continued to stare at me. Then her expression became one of understanding. And I knew she realized it too. 

"Yusuke, what happened between you and Botan?" 

****

Author's Notes: I'm sure all of you die-hard Yusuke/Botan fans want to kill me right now. But before you do that, I just want to say some things that should be taken into consideration. I hope you, the readers, knew that I would add a little bit of problems to the potential coupling, which is Yusuke and Botan. This chapter mostly consisted of questioning and doubt. But truthfully, this won't happen again in the rest of the chapters. From here on out, it's all about Yusuke and Botan. I'm praying that some of you enjoyed the chapter even though the coupling might have not been to your liking. This by far, is the longest chapter I have written for _Nox _and it's going to be hard to beat. But even still, I didn't favor this chapter that much. Yet it needed to be written!

Secondly, I want to give a very special thanks to the reviewers. One day I had been checking out my e-mail and I had received over fifteen reviews in one day! I was ecstatic for the rest of week because of you guys! Thank you so much! I also want to apologize yet again for another long wait. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to update again until next month. I prefer making my chapters long for readers, but it takes time to write. This, along with my busy schedule equals a VERY long wait. I'm sorry! 

For my closing paragraph, I want to give readers a general idea of what's coming up for **Chapter Six: **

-More tension between Yusuke and Botan. (That was expected.) 

-Hiei makes his appearance! 

-Plenty of suspicion. (I'm sure you can guess with who.)

Nothing special, but, especially for Yusuke and Botan fans, I know you will enjoy chapter seven when it gets here. Again, thanks to all. Questions, comments, constructive criticism, take your pick; just let me know what you're thinking about as you read each chapter. My goal is to make this story better each and every time. 

~Nirvana. 


	6. Misgiving

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Author: Nirvana

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Pairings: Yusuke/Botan, slight Kurama/Botan. (sorry Y/B fans!)

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Rating: PG-13...later to be rated R

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Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

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Summary: We held each other still, even when the moon came. And Yusuke slowly pressed his lips to mine while we were encircled by the brilliant glow of souls in the night. (Botan's POV) 

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Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners. 

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Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy. 

A special thank you to my beta-reader, Cat-Youkai. You are the best! 

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Chapter 6-Misgiving

"What did you say your name was again?" 

"Misao," She uttered.

I watched her as she gripped at the rope of the swing set, swaying back and forth. Her head was bent low, her eyes shadowed by her bangs and her lips curved into a deep frown. I sighed then, frustrated and exhausted. In all the years I been forced to be a spirit detective, I think this was the first time I had to 'interrogate' someone. And not just anyone, but a little girl. We have no other choice, I could hear Koenma's words ringing in my head, she is the only witness to the latest youkai murder. 

I turned my eyes back to her. She leaned backwards, her bangs following, gracing me with another look at her eyes. A very strange shade of blue. She pushed her body forward to get more momentum. Before long, she was swinging high in the air. Her hair, long and wavy and auburn, moving with her. I remember, when I first came across her after searching all day, she explained that she was part American, part Japanese. Her older sister, the one who had been murdered, was Japanese. So technically, they were half sisters. 

Now that I thought about it, more of the victims were young women. Beautiful girls who had everything in their lives set. Then one by one each would turn up, their bodies shriveled and decapitated. Completely unrecognizable. Whoever this youkai was, he was finally careless by letting this girl live. Or maybe he had let her survive on purpose. I didn't know, there was so much that did not make sense. 

Not too far away, I sat at a wooden bench, waiting patiently. And I was not one of the patient types. But I wasn't dealing with an adult, just a kid. "How old are you?" I asked. "Twelve?" 

"Fourteen." She answered shortly. Abruptly, she dug the heels of her feet into the sand, coming to a stop. She glanced up at me. "Do you have any older siblings?" 

"No," I responded. I am an only child." 

"An only child, you're so lucky." Misao stated. "Life's different for you. You live by a different set of rules." She smiled slightly. "But when your fourteen, you must listen to everyone who's older than you. There are always expectations and high standards to surpass. But you, you can do whatever you want and no one cares." 

I snorted, memories of being fourteen flooding my thoughts. "I use to think the same way you do. Doing what people said never really caught my interest. So, I worked with my own set of rules. I'll be truthful, it got me into a lot trouble. But I still use it." I sat up then, finally after two hours of waiting, I was getting somewhere. "Was your sister like that?" 

She nodded. "It was different for Jolie. Even though she rebelled all the time, she was very smart. She was one of the top students in her class. Athletic, involved in almost every club, the most popular girl." Misao forced a laugh. "I know it sounds like a stupid high school cliche, but it was true. Guys wanted her. Girls were envious and wanted to be her. But Jolie was so nice that they felt guilty and instead worshiped her. I don't know how she could keep up with her studies then attend every party that took place. 

"Okaasan didn't care that she went out late at night. She didn't care that Jolie came back reeking of alcohol. All Okaasan wanted was the academic recognition and Jolie gave it to her." Misao's smile became wistful. "Jolie and I were never close. I mean, there was the age difference, but I think it was something else that always kept us separated. But I remember this one time she actually wanted to spend time with me. She took me to my very first concert. 

"For events like that, she'd always wear all this make-up and leather and lace. One of the band members noticed her in the crowd and invited her backstage after the concert. And at parties, she was always the center of attention. Everyone loved her. But what I don't understand is that when she was murdered, everyone knew about it but no one seemed to care. Not even Mother. I don't look anything like Jolie, so, in my mother's eyes, I'm just another brat to take care of until I'm eighteen." 

Before I could respond, Misao stood up and approached me. She reached into her pocket and placed a small photograph in my open palm. I studied the picture closely. "That picture was taken two days before Jolie died." Misao informed me. 

It was true, neither sister looked anything like the other. Jolie had features I was more use to seeing. Pale skin, black hair...but her eyes. The color of her orbs were lost somewhere between a very dark blue or purple. I returned the photo back to Misao. "How did she die?" I asked. 

Misao seated herself next to me, her gaze going towards the setting sun. "It all started when Jolie started seeing this guy. She never told me about the guys she would date, but I always found out one way or another. But this guy was different. To be straightforward, he gave me this weird feeling." 

"Did he do anything to make you feel that way?" 

"Iie, not like that. I mean, he was quiet. Too quiet but very polite to Jolie. I think she liked him a lot because he treated her like a regular girl. He respected her and that was more than what my sister could ask for. He seemed sincere...at the time. But gradually, they started disappearing together. Leaving for days but never telling a soul. I told Jolie not to get involved with him, I was worried for her. I am only fourteen though. To her, I was trying to make up excuses because I was jealous." Misao rolled her eyes, but a expression close to sadness had settled onto her face. She continued. "One night Jolie had a date with him. And I ended up following her to the beach.

"If I had known what was going to happen, I would have done everything to keep her home. Anyway, I confronted them. Demanded that she break up with him. Back then, every time I'd see him, I would get scared. I remember the way he approached me, always silent and always staring. All he did was touch my back and he left me with this," 

Misao hesitantly pulled down her jacket to reveal three, barely healed slash marks across her back. The longest one started at her shoulder blade and ended at the curve of her waist. I leaned forward, my eyes widening. Before I could get a closer look, she quickly pulled up her jacket and suddenly shuddered. "After that happened, I fell unconscious. When I woke up again, Jolie was next to me." Misao closed her eyes. "I tried to warn her that he was behind her, but I was too late." 

I became uncomfortable when I saw the tears streaming down her face. "Do you know how it feels to watch someone you care for so dearly die right in front of your eyes? You want to help them, in any way possible. Even trade places with them, but you can't." 

"...Yes," I answered, my hands clenching. My thoughts suddenly went to Genkai. Even though it had been years since she past away, I...missed her. Sometimes, I still think I was the cause of her death. 

Misao wiped her tears away, looking regretful that she even cried to begin with. "He sliced her throat with his bare hands and I think Jolie died immediately. I just hope it wasn't too painful. But...there was blood everywhere. I wonder why he didn't kill me too." She bit down on her lip to hold back a sob. Misao eventually sighed, her breathing a little eased. "Urameshi-san?" 

"You don't need to be formal. Just call me Yusuke." 

Misao stared at me finally. "I watched him for so long...he kept trying to clean his hands in the ocean. Trying to get rid of any proof of what he had done. He looked...torn. Almost as if he never wanted to kill Jolie in the first place. Something drove him to do it."

"What makes you say that?" 

"Because he started to cry. His hands were stained with blood, not only from my sister and myself but from the many others he had murdered. No matter how much he tried, he could never get the smell of blood off his hands. All the blood, reminded him of his victims." 

Confusion came over me. "Misao," I said her name for the first time. "how can you know that?" 

She glanced down at her watch and suddenly stood up. "It's late," She stated, "I need to get home." And without another word, she started to walk away. 

In a second, I was up on my feet and blocking her path. "Is there anything else you can tell me? A name? What he looked like?" 

Misao brushed past me and continued walking. I turned and was just about to grab her hand when she spoke. "He has green eyes," She commented, her voice soft as she moved farther and farther away from me. 

My eyes widened. 

At the same time, I could remember Botan. As of late, I see her with him all the time. 

"And has hair like bright, red fire."

She looks so happy with him, more than I would let myself believe.

"Like...roses." 

More happy than I could ever make her.

"And..." But she never finished her sentence. Yet I already knew. 

Kurama. 

-

I didn't need to look behind me to know that Koenma was watching. For some reason, he had been doing that a lot. But as much as I tired to deny it, I knew why. For me at least, these past few weeks had been like a roller coaster for my emotions. And as a result, I had ignored everyone around me, especially a certain someone. But I could no longer do that, I had obligations to uphold. 

With practiced ease_, _I extended my hand towards the limp body and gingerly rested my fingers on the cold flesh. A moment of silence passed before I noticed a white, almost ghost-like sphere settle into my awaiting hand. I smiled despite myself. No matter how many times I had done this task, it never ceased to amaze me. For in my hands was the soul of an unfortunately dead boy. Some people believed that a soul was more than just that. It was the feelings, consciousness, the psyche. Literally, just the essence of the deceased individual. 

With a sigh, I looked on as the soul left my hands and opted to float around me instead. I glanced at Koenma before we both left the room with the spirit in tow. We had one more stop before we needed to head back to Reikai. I looked around me. Like any hospital I had been to, it was clean, orderly, busy, gloomy, and depressing. I've seen the way people died, of all ages. From the newly, born infants to the withered and old. 

"Koenma-sama," I called gently. He looked at me. "I have a question." 

"Yes? What is it?" He asked

"Can...can ferry girls die?" 

Koenma stared at me for long moment, before he said, "In all the centuries that I have seen over Reikai, I've never had a deity die, Botan. So I cannot properly answer your question." 

"Demo...do you think it's the least bit possible?" 

"I don't know. A ferry girl is neither human nor youkai, they're somehow caught in the middle. In a sense, they are immortal because they are not alive but not dead." 

I fell silent after his response. In minutes, we reached our destination and stepped inside. Instantly, I shivered from the room's temperature and looking around, a sudden wave of nausea came over me. Out of all the places in the hospital, this was probably my least favorite. The morgue. I hurriedly rubbed my hands together then placed them on my arms, trying to create the warmth I was losing quickly. The soul I had obtained earlier still drifted around me, and followed me as I past each metal cabinet marked with a name of a departed. 

I pulled out my small, black book and opened certain cabinets while checking off the names. When I had finally reached the end of my list, which consisted of about thirty, I stepped back to look at my work. 

"Look at the bodies carefully," Koenma instructed. "Do you see a connection?" 

"They're all women." I answered. "Young girls." 

I double-checked to make sure I was positive everything was correct. I wondered why I had never noticed this before. Letting the thought go, I slowly let my hands rise above my head. A minute passed, then another, and another. Suddenly, white spheres seeped away from each dead body and came towards me. The souls surrounded me, completely encircling me in a glowing column. A familiar warmth filled my body as I closed her eyes. I could see every single person, pouring everything into me. 

Eventually, my eyes fluttered open and a second later, I turned my eyes to Koenma. "Before you leave," He said. "Come with me to the roof. Yusuke is waiting for us there." 

I felt my chest tightened, but I nodded and followed him. When we did reach the roof, a rush of warm air hit me and eased my anxiety but just a little. And like Koenma had said, there Yusuke stood. Gazing at the sky and looking uncharacteristically patient. He turned around once he heard our footsteps. His eyes met mind for a second before they turned to Koenma's. 

"How did the interrogation go?" Koenma asked. 

"Interrogation?" I questioned. 

"Hai, we were able to obtain an eye witness account of a murder that occurred a week ago." He quickly explained. 

"Not so good." Yusuke answered. A glint came to his eyes before it vanished. "I wasn't able to get any information that could be valuable." 

An expression close to disappointment appeared on Koenma's face. "We are not having too much luck with this case." He said to himself. His feet gradually left the ground, he turned to me. "Shall we go?" 

I nodded solemnly and held out my hand to produce my oar. I seated myself, the several souls surrounding me. I was about to follow Koenma when I stopped and glanced at Yusuke again. He gazed at me and never looked away. "Koenma-sama, may I have a few minutes?" 

He never answered me, but I could imagine the look of curiosity come over his face before he took his leave. I slipped off my oar and slowly approached Yusuke. I wasn't scared, I just felt so suddenly calm. I smiled, attempting to lighten the mood. But I couldn't. "It feels like forever since I've talked to you." I murmured. 

He smiled as well, but it was strained. "Yeah," He agreed. Yusuke's smile suddenly became very apologetic and I knew what he was going to say next. "Forgive me." He stepped closer. "I've been so selfish." He laughed and I felt my hands clench. "But isn't that like me? Yusuke, who's always so wishy-washy. Yusuke, who never considers anyone else. Yusuke, who's too stupid to realize the obvious-" 

"Yusuke," I interrupted him. But before I could say a word, he beat me to it. 

"I was afraid, Botan." He admitted quietly, solemnly. "I wanted the best of both worlds...and I ended up with nothing."

I didn't know why, but I felt my eyes sting. My hands suddenly itched to touch him. "I didn't mean it when I said what happened between us was a mistake. I was just angry." I closed my eyes. "I really wish we hadn't fought." I managed to choke out. I opened my eyes and looked towards the sky, Koenma was still waiting for me in Reikai. I produced my oar and seated myself. I smiled cheerfully at him. "Goodbye-" 

But I was cut off when Yusuke grabbed my hands and pulled me off my oar. A wave of deja vu came over me when he held me to him. When his fingers began to run through my hair. And when I felt his chin rest on top of my head. I remembered this. Drenched in rain, our clothes clinging to our bodies, and the steady rumble of thunder. I remembered it all and I was reliving it. 

"Botan, I'm-" But I interrupted Yusuke when I held him to me. This, I realized, was all I needed in the whole world. 

"Don't say you're sorry. Your eyes," I whispered. "apologize better." At this, Yusuke clutched at me tighter. So tight that I was afraid he would never let go. Or I would wake up to find out this was a wonderful dream, another frequent reverie.

I don't know how long we held each other. But I remember watching the sun disappear around the horizon, and the first stars appear. We held each other still, even when the moon came. And Yusuke slowly pressed his lips to mine while we were encircled by the brilliant glow of souls in the night.

-

I frowned deeply when I reread the note for the nth time. In my hand was a rose that smelt of Kumara every time I inhaled. But at the same time, I'd feel my heart break. Come alone into the woods, the note said, the handwriting small and elegant, where I shall show you all the things no one else could. I placed the paper down, along with rose before I slipped off my bed and entered the grand hall of the Reikai Palace. I didn't want to think about Kurama right now, there would be no point. But I felt guilty, for using him the way I did. Yet I was considering his invitation.

I traveled down the long, dim-lit halls to the main room, to Koenma-sama's office. The youkai murders had died down for the time being, giving me the chance to relax a little bit. I wanted to take another trip to Ningenkai, to see Yusuke. For the next few days, I hadn't been able to get him out of my thoughts, not matter how much I tried. I know people had noticed my giddiness, especially Koenma. But I didn't care anymore. I could declare how I felt to the whole world. But everyone says that it's a bad thing for a deity of death to fall in love. When it happens, she ultimately becomes human. 

I finally reached the tall doors of Koenma's office. I was about to step in but to my surprise, Yusuke stood there. I smiled but it quickly faded when I realized what they were talking about. 

"I didn't want to say anything." Yusuke said. "Because Botan was there. I see her with him, and I know that they're close. Or he's very fond of her. " 

Koenma only nodded. "Are you sure of this, Yusuke?" 

"Hai," He responded. "The eye witness I talked with gave me a physical description of what the youkai looked like. And this is the only clue I can go on. Besides, if it is true. He might try and hurt Botan." 

"So you think...it's Kurama?" 

When I saw Yusuke nod, I stumbled back. "I have no choice but to assume he is the demon we've been looking for. It would be so much easier if I could..." 

But the rest of Yusuke's words fell deaf to my ears. It couldn't be right, it had to be wrong. But my mind was racing with questions and possibilities. I blocked it out. There was no way that Kurama could be a murderer. He was kind, compassionate, polite. It could not be true. I placed my hand against my chest and began to breathe deeply. Quietly, I stepped away from the door and sprinted back to my room. I reached for the rose and the note on my nightstand before I produced my oar. I left the Palace and soared into the sky. The only way to find out if this was true or not was through the note. 

I left Reikai and entered Ningenkai. I searched everywhere. Any and every forest I could come across but with no luck. Then I searched the streets in my human form, praying that I would see the beacon of flaming red hair and emerald eyes. But I never did find Kurama. Then finally I stumbled upon the very last forest by sunset, exhausted but still hopeful. I kept telling myself that Kurama was not a murderer, but rational thought kept nagging at me. The what ifs and the could haves were weighing on my shoulders. 

When I couldn't search anymore, the sun had disappeared and the full moon had taken its place. Eventually, I seated myself on a thick branch and took in the scenery. By now, Koenma-sama probably knew that I was gone. I was supposed to be collecting souls tonight, but I did not want to give up finding Kurama without any answers. 

I leaned against the trunk of the tree and closed my eyes as a gentle breeze past me. I tensed when I heard something behind me. "Who's there?!" I called. "Kurama! Is that you?!" I heard it again but this time it was in front of me. A cold, unnatural wind bit at my skin, blowing the hem of my kimono and making me shudder. I tried to make my voice sound intimidating. "Whoever you are, come out!" But it only ended up as a squeak. Perspiration erupted from my forehead when I heard the 'thing' breathe right behind me. Hesitantly, I shifted my body on the tree branch and turned. My gaze met crimson eyes. 

I remember screaming so loudly and out of instinct, I began flailing my arms as my only defense. I stumbled back and then I was falling too fast to snap myself out of my stupor. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to let out a high-pitched shriek when I felt strong arms wrap around me, just when I was a few feet from hitting the ground. Whoever this person was, I clutched at them so tightly, whimpering softly into their shoulder. I heard them sigh, and strangely, it sounded too familiar. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard them speak. 

"Are you going to let go of me or not?" 

Slowly, I looked up and met red eyes. The beautiful but terrifying eyes of-

"Hiei..." I murmured, almost awed. We stared at each for a moment and it was then I realized he was cradling me in his arms. But quickly, the support from him left me and I hit the ground with a hard thud. I let out a whine before I carefully rubbed my sore hip. "You know, that was not necessary. You could have at least been more gentle." He said nothing, but continued to stare at me and I became edgy again. Then it struck me. "What are you doing in Ningenkai?" 

"That," Hiei said. "is none of your concern." I frowned deeply. "But," he continued. "I hope you received the message." 

"Message?" I echoed. 

"Come alone into the woods, where I shall show you all things that no one else could." Hiei answered, his voice very soft. 

I flushed deeply as the revelation hit me. "Hiei? You wrote the message?" I started to play with my hands. "That was very sweet of you, but-" I cut myself off once I caught the look he was sending my way. His gaze held such malicious that I stepped away from him. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly, he looked like he was offended by my words. Needless to say, he did scare me sometimes. 

"I did not write that..." Hiei trailed off, never finishing his sentence. He frowned. "Kurama did." 

"Okay," I nodded. "but then why are you here?" 

"I'm getting to that." He replied. "He asked me to deliver it to you. He knew that you would arrive, sooner or later. And he wanted me to 'greet' you." 

"I see, so, where is Kurama?" My heart began to beat faster when Hiei approached me. But what really caught me off guard was when he wrapped an arm around my waist. I laughed nervously. "What-what are you doing?" 

But my question was never answered. Instead, in one fluid motion, Hiei jumped into the air before landing gracefully on a branch. He gripped at me tighter as we moved swiftly from branch to branch. His arm was nearly crushing me and he must have noticed this because he loosened his grip. For reassurance, I clutched at his shoulder when my fear of heights came over me. We traveled in silence for a long time and every so often I would glance up. I wanted to catch a glimpse of the moon. However, the leaves were too thick to even see the sky. For some reason. the deeper we moved through the forest, the more we were shadowed in darkness. 

Eventually, Hiei spoke, low and distant. "Do you hear that?" 

I listened carefully. "No, what is it?" 

"Never mind, we shall be there shortly. Then you can see for yourself." 

It felt like an eternity had passed before Hiei stopped on another tree branch and removed his arm from my waist. I glanced around. We had finally reached a clearing, where the trees ended, and the ocean began. He must have been talking about the sound of the waves, I concluded. But I could only see the bank, beyond that was nothing but a very thick fog. I leaned forward, but made sure to grasp at the trunk of the tree. I squinted hard, yet I was still unable to see. Defeated, I leaned back and noticed that Hiei was watching me. 

"There's no use trying." He stated. "You won't be able to see anything beyond this point." 

"Is there something out there?" 

He nodded stiffly. "Travel out there, that's where you will find Kurama." 

I shot him a confused look. "Wait a minute. He wants me to go out there? By myself? Without you?" When Hiei nodded again, I shuddered. "Why?" 

"Because it is impossible for me to go beyond here. For I am a demon. No other youkai besides Kurama can make it to what lies ahead. This rule also applies to ningens as well. But you," He looked at me. "are neither human nor demon. Neither dead or alive. Just a shell." 

I frowned again, annoyed by his description of me. But what could I say, it was the truth. But still, I felt so lost. "So, what's out there?" 

"I don't know." Hiei responded, he sounded impatient. "Kurama was the one who did this." 

My eyes widened. "You mean the fog? And what's out there?" When he nodded once more, I ran my fingers through my hair, the quiet way of showing my frustration.

"Watch," He instructed simply. Then seconds later I momentarily saw him move quickly past me and into the fog. A minute passed before he came back out. He did this a second time with the same results. "You see, no matter how fast I may go or how far I travel, I will always end up back where I started."

With a sigh, I held out my hand and a second later, my oar appeared. I grasped it tightly before I mounted. I was still unsure, but it seemed that I had no other choice but to go. Kurama was expecting me. I glanced back at Hiei. I was trying to stall. "What if I get lost?" 

"That will not happen. If you are not human or demon, you will find your way." He responded, his expression indifferent. I nodded and was about fly away when he spoke again. "Botan," I nearly fell off my oar. In all the time I had known Hiei, I had never ever heard him say my name. But in a way, it sounded normal. As if he said it all the time. "be careful." He warned. 

I blinked stupidly. "What do you mean?" I questioned. "Is there something that I should know?" 

Hiei looked towards the fog. "When it comes to protection, Kurama is worst than I am." 

I suddenly became more confused. I followed his gaze towards the fog. "Hiei, you're talking in riddles. What do you...?" But I trailed off when I glanced behind me. He was gone. He left me all alone. But, I thought with a slight smile, that was always Hiei. 

I sighed again and turned my attention towards the fog before I started flying. The thick cloud enveloped me and for a long time, there was silence. The farther I went, the less frightened I became. Yet for a brief moment, I wished Yusuke was with me. But I also wondered why Kurama would create something like this. Was he...trying to hide something? 

__

Maybe Yusuke was right, my mind was singing,_ maybe Kurama is a murderer._

I shivered at the thought and refused to think about the matter anymore. This is why I was here. To find out what the real truth was. I was more than confident that I would find it with him. Because, I thought, Kurama is very trustworthy. He would never want to hurt another human being. But I remember watching him fight before. If there was a need, Kurama was not afraid to kill. I was snapped out of my musings when the fog gradually started to clear. I felt my lips curve into a smile when I saw the faint outlining of an enormous house.

"So," I said aloud. "this is where you live. Kurama." 

I quickly reached the house and stopped in midair just to get a bird's eye view. The place was beautiful and vast. With gardens and water fountains. Huge bay windows and a patio that was bigger than my bedroom in the Reikai Palace. I noticed a vine covered gate, similar to the one at Kurama's mother's home but much bigger, near the entrance of the mansion. And from the gate was a steep pebble path that led to the oak doors of the house. But it seemed that the only way to get to the gate was to go through the garden. I was almost there, in a short time I would see Kurama. 

I shifted my weight to the front of my oar and I steadily fell before I jumped off and landed on the ground. As soon as I did, my oar disappeared from my fingertips. With renewed certainty I started into the garden and took my time to admire each flower I came across. But it was strange. Even though all the flowers were extremely beautiful, I had never seen or heard of them before. The supposed name for each plant was unfamiliar. 

I walked down path after path and realized I had no idea where I was going. I seated myself on the ground, my feet aching. I felt like I was going around in circles. I glanced upwards, at the mansion that suddenly seemed so far away. How was I ever going to get to that house? I closed my eyes for a second. All I needed was a bit of rest and then I could start again. I stayed there for a while and listened to nothing but silence. Eventually, I did get up. I dusted my kimono of any patches of dirt and was about to start walking again when my eyes spotted another flower. 

I had seen numerous flowers now but this one was very different. Curiosity getting the best of me, I stepped towards it and glanced down to read the small tag, It read 'Peony,' and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The flower could not be a peony. Usually the kind that I saw were a reddish-white. But this one was an pale green swirled with lilac. I stepped closer, almost hypnotized by its beauty. And just when my fingers were about to brush against the petals, the flower suddenly shifted and stood upright. Before I could step back, before I could even make a sound, something pierced my neck that smothered the scream I wanted to release. 

I felt warm liquid stream down my neck before it hit my kimono. I glanced down and realized it was my blood. With shaky hands, I touched my neck and felt the long, thin spikes. I gripped at them before I roughly pulled them out, a loud, painful whimper leaving my lips. My eyes went to the flower. Its now brown and shriveled petals had fallen to the ground, the stem bent and weighed with death. 

I stumbled back, my vision quickly blurring over and my knees abruptly too weak to hold me up. I heard a loud crash as I hit something but I was too preoccupied to care. I tripped again and clutched at something, I couldn't breathe anymore and I could feel my wound still bleeding. I grasped tighter as I shivered. It was too cold, it hurt to breathe, and I could barely see anything. 

"Botan," His voice startled me. And I realized then that the thing I was holding onto was him. I was hoping to see emerald eyes and crimson bangs. But when I saw icy, piercing ember eyes and felt his long silver hair brush against me cheek, I pushed him away from me and ended up crumbling to the ground. 

"Youko...Kurama?" I gasped. I squinted hard and finally got my vision to focus on him. And just like I had thought, there stood Kurama but in his demon form, gazing at me. I coughed suddenly, the taste of blood filling my mouth. "What's happening to me?" I managed to ask.

He didn't answer my question immediately. But instead glanced at the now dead flower, his peony. Then he stared down at me. "You have been poisoned by a very dangerous toxin." He answered shortly. He walked over to the flower and picked up one of the brown petals. "And," He continued. "it will kill you in a few minutes." My eyes widened in terror but I said nothing as he approached me. "But I am not certain, since you happen to be the deity of death, a ferry girl. However if the toxin does not kill you, it will make you severely sick." 

Leaning on my arms, I did my best to crawl away form him. But my vision blurred over once more and I started to cough again. With difficulty, I finally stood up and leaned my body against a tall fence concealed by large vines. Doubt started to consume me. What if Yusuke was right? What if it was true? I glanced at him and watched him as he watched me. If it wasn't true then he would help me, I thought. As if reading my mind, he spoke. 

"I can help you." He stated, his knees bent slightly to meet my eye level. Even though I was screaming on the inside for help, I still felt doubtful. Something was just out of place. And I felt my heart nearly stop when Kurama revealed in his hands a small blade. Within a second, he had covered the space between us and was gripping at my wrists. 

I screamed as loud as I could, but I knew no one would hear me. I struggled against him. And just when I had given up hope of getting free, he let go of my hand and I reached back before striking him across the face. Kurama seemed in the least bit winded by my slap. "You are only making this more difficult for yourself, Botan." He held up the blade. "I can help you by ending the pain more quickly." 

I closed my eyes and suddenly realized I was crying. And without my knowing, all my thoughts had drifted to Yusuke. I wondered what he was doing at that moment. And I wondered if he realized I was gone. I remember uttering his name very softly and seeing Kurama stop, the blade only a few inches away from me. I opened my eyes and stared at him for so long.

I watched as he ran the tip of the blade along his palm. And I watched as the first drops of blood appear. Kurama pressed his palm against his lips before he lifted me from the ground without much effort. I didn't fight back, I no longer could. I didn't have the strength I needed. But I felt so calm when he kissed me and I closed my eyes again when I could taste his blood. 

Then the darkness enveloped and claimed me. 

****

Author's Notes: Yeah! I finally finished chapter six! I am so happy that it's finally done. During my Thanksgiving vacation, I finally sat down with this story and typed and typed. Now, I feel refreshed and have a new appreciation of how much I love writing this story for you, the readers. Thank you to all who have stayed by me, I know I must have kept you waiting for so long and I apologize for that. Secondly, the ending of the chapter. I'm sure some of you are sitting at your computer screen going 'eh?' Well, that little scene between Kurama and Botan has nothing to do with romance, let me reassure you. But if I say anymore, than I'll ruin the beginning of chapter seven. 

Third, I remember saying to all those **go crazy, die-hard, head over heels in love Yusuke/Botan fans**, I had treat for you. Yes! The long awaited **lime **scene! *Blush* Yes, I have been talking about this since the very first chapter of _Nox_. But for those readers who are a little bit squirmy on this topic, don't worry. Like I said before, it will be very mild. Nothing no one can't handle and also enjoy. And as a way of saying I'm sorry for the delay, here's a sneak preview of the next chapter. *drum roll please!* 

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Chapter 7: Heat

I whirled around, briefly seeing his victorious grin. In a flash, I was inside the closet, his eyes boring into mine. The utmost satisfaction appeared on his face as his lips curved into a smirk. The trademark smile that made my knees weak and my cheeks warm. I inhaled deeply, trying to take in as much of the hot air as possible. 

"I found you, Botan." He breathed. His hand reached out and tucked the damp strands of my hair behind my ear. He frowned slightly. "But it's no fun when you're not even a little discrete about it." 

"Yusuke," I started, distracted by his hand. "You'll make us late for class again." I held back a sigh as his fingers brushed against my neck. 

He shrugged his shoulders nonchantly. His smirk coming back as he watched me. "So what," Yusuke responded. "They won't miss us." He stepped closer to me, and a cold shiver ran down my spine when I could feel his warm breath caresses my lips. 

My body was quivering, not from fear but from anticipation. It had become a routine now. Almost like a game me and Yusuke loved to play. During our breaks, I would roam the school grounds, trying my best to hide from him. He always found me, and a knowing glint would come to his eyes each time he did. He would lead me away from the constant gossipers, and prying eyes to places in the school even I didn't know about. Then Yusuke would drown me in himself. Surround me until I could see and feel nothing but him...

Okay, I'm going to leave off right there and let your imagination wonder on it for a while. Hopefully, I won't keep you guys waiting with chapter seven. You don't know how much I want to write it so you guys can finally read it. Anyway, thank you to readers and reviewers, sorry about the delay! Oh and make sure to check in the rated **R **the next time you want to see if I updated! Suggestions, comments, and questions. its all yours! Until next time, I'll see ya'll later. 

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	7. Heat

****

Author: Nirvana

Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

Rating: PG-13

Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

Summary: "Why was it that you were the only one who saw Kurama that night? Why did he come to you when you were alone, Botan? When Yusuke was the last person you wanted to see?"

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.

Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy.

A special thank you to my beta-reader, Cat-Youkai. You are the best!

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Chapter 7-Heat

It all started with a jagged pain in my side, a pain so bad that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. It hurt to move, to breathe, to do anything. And then, there was the warmth that soothed me, that numbed the pain. In this warmth I felt safe, secure. Nothing in the world could hurt me as long as this feeling never left. I wondered briefly if this was what it was like, being so close to death's embrace. I loved this feeling of disregard, I had no cares. Then...

My eyes fluttered open.

I heard someone, a woman, sigh. "You're finally awake. You had us worried for a second there, Botan."

Everything came into focus and I sat up so suddenly. Automatically, my hand went to my neck, but I didn't know why. I looked at Keiko for the first time. Besides the fact that her features were etched with worry, she looked just a pretty as always. Then I started to question. What was she talking about? She looked at me patiently, waiting and I, had nothing to say to her. What happened to the pain? What happened to the beautiful warmth?

"What happened to me?" I breathed shakily.

Keiko smiled. "We were hoping you could tell us that."

We? Us?

She must have seen the look on my face, she glanced behind her. I followed her gaze and noticed the bedroom door was slightly ajar. And there, was a very thin shadow. It was then that I realized it was Yusuke, I was in his room.

I looked back at Keiko when she rested her hand against my forehead. Then it dropped so abruptly, I was never prepared for her to lean against my shoulder, and I never realized she was crying until I felt her tears hit my hand. Why was she crying? What had happened to me to make her cry?

Before I could murmur a word of reassurance, the door swung open and Yusuke barged in. I stared at him hopefully, maybe he could tell me what was wrong. But all my hopes were dashed from me when I noticed his clenched his hands, his narrowed eyes. He was furious and trying to keep that anger contained. Keiko was on her feet in an instant, blocking his path.

"Yusuke, don't." She warned, more tears streamed down her face. "Please."

He was by my bedside before I realized it. Then, "Where the hell were you?!"

I was screaming back at him. "What are you talking about?!"

This only seemed to fuel his fury. "Botan, you were gone for five days! Where were you?!"

Keiko was kneeling next to me again. "Once we realized you were gone, we searched for you but couldn't find anything. Five days later, yesterday, Yusuke found you in the park, unconscious. Do you remember what happened before that?"

"No," I responded. My eyes drifted back up to Yusuke's. If he was still angry, I could no longer tell. He was calm, too calm.

"She was with Kurama again." It was statement, no question.

It was at that moment I remembered Hiei, the forest, the fog, the house. But not Kurama.

"I wasn't with Kurama." I responded. "Even if I was, I can't remember." I glared at Yusuke. "Why is it any of your concern?!" He wanted to say something badly, I knew he did. But instead, Yusuke opted to keep quiet and stare at the wall. So I continued. "I know you and Koenma-sama are up to something, you think Kurama is dangerous. He isn't, he would never want to willingly kill another person."

I climbed out of the bed and Keiko tried to sit me back down but I refused. I got in front of Yusuke's line of vision. "What do you know about Kurama that you don't want to tell me?" He didn't answer. "If you don't tell me, I'll keep going back to him. Until I know what you're hiding, I'll keep going back."

"Are you sure you want to do that?" All three of us looked towards the doorway, Koenma was standing there. He was scrutinizing me carefully. "Where have you been, Botan?"

"I don't know, I don't remember."

"You can't remember anything?"

I was silent for a moment before I spoke. "I remembering being with Hiei. He was telling me that Kurama wanted me to meet him. He took me there, to where Kurama lived. I remember seeing the forest, the ocean, and fog. That's it."

"So you _were_ going to meet him?" Koenma asked.

"Only because he asked me to."

"Did you even consider it to be a trap?"

"Yes, but I ruled it out as being a trap because Hiei took me there."

Koenma sighed before rubbing his forehead. "Hiei...is a very elusive character."

I heard Yusuke scoff and I frowned deeply before heading towards the window. I opened it, held out my hand before producing my oar. I was tired of being questioned by everyone. They loved to treat me like some little girl.

"Where are you going now?" Yusuke asked. He was by my side once more, glaring. "Off to find Kurama again?"

"Why do you care?" I inquired coolly. "You have Keiko to keep you company."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I wished with all my heart that I could take them back. The way Keiko gazed at me, it was too unbearable. I knew that she cared deeply for Yusuke but not the way I did. And saying that was like throwing her offered friendship back in her face. I wanted to take it back, I didn't mean it.

Yusuke stared at me for a second then smirked. "You're right, I do have Keiko." His smirk became a frown to match my own. "But the difference is, _we're_ not doing anything!" And with those words, he turned around and walked out of the bedroom, Keiko quickly in tow. I suddenly felt too guilty.

Koenma stepped towards me, opened my hands, and placed a folder in my palms. "When you arrive at Reikai, look them over, and then come find me. We'll talk only when you're finished." And then he was gone.

I stood there, thinking. Everything had just gone from bad to worst. Everyone was upset with me and I didn't know how to fix it. Sighing, I seated myself on my oar and soared towards the skies. I needed time, time to clear my head and get everything straightened out. Then and only then would I try to make everything right.

-

"You knew something was wrong with Kurama, so why did you let her go by herself?" I demanded.

I sat slumped against a tree trunk, looking into the darkness. After I had left Botan and Koenma to their business and easily managed to ditch Keiko, I wandered into the woods. I knew Hiei was following me and I had so many questions to ask him. I was still angry with her, frustrated, confused. All because I just felt helpless. How could I protect her if I didn't even know about half of the things going on? And besides that, it seemed Botan didn't even want my help. I snorted aloud. Whatever, if she could ignore me with such ease, then it is only proper for me to do the same.

Hiei decided to stay in the shadows, but I could see him moving from branch to branch, watching me. I was becoming impatient too quickly. "Are you going answer me or not?! I don't have time for this, Hiei!"

"Someone's angry." Hiei commented suddenly. "Besides, you already know the answer to that, Yusuke." "Kurama wasn't going to lay a finger on her." He had moved to my side. "You interrogating me isn't going to aide your situation. What happened between those two, I don't know. And probably from Botan's response, Kurama purposely erased her memories of the past five days. You know as well as I do that he can't really trust her completely."

"You haven't done anything to help him, why?"

"I like to sit and watch what happens." I could tell he was smirking. "But, I can't really help him, he's too far gone. Kurama is hiding, he is fully aware that you and Koenma are after him. So, he's taking precautions."

"When was the last time you talked to Kurama?" I asked.

"Face to face, months ago." Hiei was in front of me now. "You know, he's feeding constantly," He stated. "He can't survive if he doesn't. So, what will you do now, detective?"

I was silent for a moment before I spoke. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Depends on what it is."

"I'm planning something."

"Kurama is too." Hiei answered. "He needs Botan for something, decoy or anything else. He's going to try to lure her away from you."

"And I'm going to let him." Despite myself, I smirked. "She wants to help him, she doesn't care about my warnings. From what Koenma said, it's about the whole reproduction thing." I shuddered at the thought. "So he needs Botan for that. She can't know about it though, or the whole plan will be messed up."

I turned to face him. "If what you say is true about Kurama's feeding, then cornering him should be the simple part." I shrugged my shoulders. "It's just a regular trap, nothing special. But I need as many people as possible. Will you help me?" Hiei stood up, jumped, and landed on the nearest branch. "Kurama is your friend, right? How can you say no?" He hadn't said anything but I knew he had agreed to help me. But there was one more thing. "Oi, Hiei!" He turned around and looked at me expectantly. "I need Yukina's help too."

-

There were one hundred and twenty-three photographs of dead, shriveled, decapitated bodies. I had stopped looking before I hit the fifth picture. I didn't know why I was crying, I hadn't personally killed these women but I felt so responsible. In each picture, Kurama was there, feeding, murdering. How could I have been so stupid? I felt the tears stream down my face anew. The more I looked at the folder, the more everything made sense. But still, I had questions of my own.

I climbed off my bed, dried my eyes quickly and left my room. I ran down the deserted hall towards Koenma's office, I knew he was patiently waiting for me. I pushed the tall doors open and walked to his desk, holding up a picture. I frowned deeply.

"What is this?" I asked.

"A very rare but dangerous creature," He answered. "A Makai worm."

"I went to the records, the library, everywhere. How come the Reikai records have no reports, documentations or references about this..._thing_?"

"Because we never had to deal with this until now."

"Why didn't you tell me about this before, Koenma-sama, even if it was just a hunch? What does Kurama have to do with it? What is Yusuke going to do now? Is he going to kill Kurama?"

Koenma held up his hand, signaling me to stop. His eyes narrowed slightly, more out of irritation than anger. "Did you read any of the past reports in that folder?"

"Not really," I replied before sitting down. "I wanted to hear everything from you."

He was silent for a moment before he sighed. I had never seen him look so...exhausted. "All right," He said. "Let's start with the picture." He took it from my hands and looked at it. "Like I said before, this is a Makai worm. It's more of a parasite than anything and in order for it to survive, like any parasite, it needs a host." Koenma looked at me. "Let's take a hypothetical situation. Somehow, someway, Kurama was able to find his way into Makai without us detecting it. He could have been doing anything and somehow got infected with realizing it.

"Makai worms dwell underground and use the little spirit energy they have to detect suitable hosts, Kurama was that host. The perfect environment for them is something warm and dark, doesn't matter if they're human or youkai. The worm gets inside the body and lives there in a dormant state for several weeks, then it begins to feed."

"On human blood?" I asked.

"No, not initially." Koenma answered. "For nutrients they use their host's blood, the stronger the host is, the less blood they need for the first weeks. After that, they travel through the body, to the brain, and nest there. The host may try to resist, I believe that's what Kurama did but eventually lost. Now, the parasite has complete control of his body. It is nearly impossible for the Makai worm to survive without blood, it needs to feed constantly. It finds a human, decapitates the person, then feeds, leaving the body completely shriveled. If it came to the point that the there is no blood available, then the parasite will drink its host's blood, and move on or die with the host."

"How long...has Kurama been this way?"

"From what I can determine, months. We just started to notice once the deaths in Ningenkai became irregular." Koenma stood up and approached me. "Botan do you remember the morning after Yusuke's birthday party?" When I nodded, he continued. "Do you remember when you said you had been with Kurama? And when Yusuke said he had never seen him at the party?" Again, I nodded. I couldn't understand what he was trying to get at. Then, "Why?"

"Why what?" I whispered, my heart was racing.

"Why was it that you were the only one who saw Kurama that night?" I stared down at my feet, I couldn't answer. "Why did he come to you when you were alone, Botan? When Yusuke was the last person you wanted to see?"

My eyes began to sting, everything was blurry. "Decoy," I answered. "Prey," When Koenma nodded, I felt one tear after another running down my face and hitting my palms. Now, I definitely deserved the title of 'idiot.' "And I went with him, without realizing it. How could I have not known?"

"We didn't either," Koenma replied, his voice gentle., soothing. "It wasn't until Hiei said something that we started to pay close attention to Kurama's actions and whereabouts." He knelt in front of me. "We never had enough evidence to confirm our suspicious, until now. But before then, we couldn't strike and we didn't want to alarm him or you. If that happened, Kurama would disappear again."

"It's my fault, gomen nasai." I bowed my head low, covering my face with my hands. "Ouji-sama, forgive me. If I had known, I wouldn't have been so careless. And to think, I was angry with everyone else because no one would mind their own business. I should have known."

He smiled sadly. "Iie, it's not fair to put the blame on yourself." I looked up at him hopefully. I was surprised when Koenma took his finger and wiped a falling tear away from my face. "All we could do now is correct what has been happening." He moved away from me and back behind his desk.

"So...what now?"

"The Makai worms do have a weakness."

"What is it?"

At this, Koenma smiled knowingly. "They hate the cold, they die instantly when the temperature is not adequate for them."

I put two and two together. "Yukina,"

"Exactly,"

I stood up suddenly, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "I need to go to Ningenkai, to find Yusuke." I said. I bowed deeply before turning to leave. But Koenma stopped me when he spoke.

"Be careful,"

I smiled. "I will." I promised.

-

As soon as Keiko opened her apartment door, I was already on my hands and knees. "I'm really, really, really sorry about what I said."

There was a long silence before I heard the rustle of her clothing as she knelt down. "There's nothing to be sorry about, you and Yusuke were having one of your first of many fights. Besides, I should be the one apologizing, Botan. I should have known I was hurting your feelings when I was spending so much with Yusuke."

I raised my head. "But, he's your best friend."

"True," She agreed. "But he is no longer my boyfriend, he's yours."

I frowned. "Not officially."

Keiko blinked. "You mean...he hasn't asked you yet?" When I shook my head, she shook hers. She grinned. "You'll have to be patient for that day. So...were you or were you not with Kurama all this time?" She fixed me with her knowing stare and I suddenly wasn't brave enough to lie to her.

"Even though I don't remember, I probably was." I responded.

Keiko smiled triumphantly before standing up and stepping to the side to let me in. She escorted me into the kitchen where she went to work preparing green tea and opening a bag of cookies. I sat down at the table and scanned her apartment, I had never been here before. When she spoke up, I turned my attention to her.

"I know I'm not supposed to know anything because my life would be endangered and all that stuff." Keiko said. "But can you tell me what's been going on, I've been in the dark and Yusuke is being too stubborn."

I did, I told her everything from the very night of Yusuke's birthday party to the strange dream to five nights ago, every detail I could remember. It was then that I realized Keiko was the very first person I had confided in. I had kept everything bottled up because I didn't want anyone to know. By the time I finished relaying my story, she was smiling again.

"Now, I understand." Keiko murmured before taking a long sip of her tea. She reach for the plate, grabbing a handful of cookies. "Even though it took ages, I was able to get bits and pieces of Yusuke's side of the story and I was hoping to get you alone. But now that I know everything, I can definitely say that something is wrong with Kurama." Her eyes went to the ceiling. "Come to think of it, I saw him a few Sundays ago. He was acting so strangely. I know he's always been a quiet, polite person but..."She looked back at me. "He was distant, cold. His behavior kind of startled me."

"Did you tell Yusuke about that?" I inquired.

"Iie, I was just thinking that Kurama may have had a bad day. It happens to everyone." Keiko frowned, it was the only sign that she was worried. "I didn't know the situation was like this."

"Yusuke and Koenma have been trying to keep the investigation as quiet as possible. Until now, he wouldn't tell me anything." I sighed. "I mean...what if we can't help Kurama? What will we do then?"

Keiko was silent for a moment before she touched my shoulder. "There's no need to be upset, Botan. I'm sure it'll all work out." She stood up, grabbed the kettle from the stove and refilled both our cups with tea. "But I have good news that you will enjoy."

"What kind of good news?" I asked cautiously.

Keiko seated herself, beaming. "When you suddenly disappeared, Yusuke, he went crazy." She held up her hands. "Can you imagine it? Yusuke, looking in every place imaginable trying to find you. We were all worried by he, by far, was about to lose his mind if he didn't find you."

"Is that why he's so upset with me?"

"He was scared but would never verbally admit, but everyone could tell."

"Why were you crying, Keiko?" I asked suddenly.

At my question, her smile faded slightly. She grasped my hand. "I knew you were all right but, that couldn't stop me from worrying." She laughed. "But I always worry over every little thing. It's a bad habit." She graced me with a sly look.. shifting the conversation back to Yusuke. "Trust me, Botan, even when you're standing next to him or in another room, he's at looking you, watching you. He's been doing that ever since he first met you. It's hard for him to ignore you."

I nearly choked on my tea. "Really?" When Keiko nodded, I blushed. I looked down at my hands. "By the way, where is Yusuke?"

"That jerk!" She suddenly exclaimed. "After he left you and Koenma, I followed him. I wanted to see if he was all right. You know what he told me?" Keiko attempted to do her best Yusuke impression. She was flawless. "Get lost, Keiko! I want to be by myself! I'm fine, Keiko, leave me alone! What are you talking about?! I'm not angry because of Botan, it has nothing to do with her!"

I was laughing so hard, even after she finished her impression, to the point that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I hadn't been this happy in so long.

Keiko was smiling again. "I'm glad I was able to make you laugh." She commented. "Anyway, he finally told me he was going to a park, but I don't know which one. He said he wanted to see someone."

I nodded. "Arigato, Keiko," I rose from my seat and headed for a window.

We said our goodbyes and I was soaring through the night sky again. It wouldn't take long to find Yusuke, I knew exactly where he was. I traveled far from Keiko's apartment, from the busy metropolis to the city limits. There was nothing but thick trees and the silence of the night. A few more moments passed before I decided to land on the ground and travel the rest of the way by foot.

I stopped once I reached a clearing, and there, was Yusuke. He stood, knees bent, fists up and his eyes focused on invisible foes. His punches and kicks were quick and precise. I know it was strange, but I had always been jealous of his fighting abilities. Yusuke could always rid himself of his frustration, his anger, his sadness with a few punches.

I stepped closer and silently winced when a twig broke under my foot. He stopped then, turned around, and faced me. I smiled sheepishly and he returned it with a frown.

"How did you find me?" He demanded. He turned away from me, resuming his training. I was expecting him to yell at me, scream at me, but he was eerily calm. Just like this morning.

There was no use hiding anymore, I stepped closer. "Keiko told me you were here." I answered.

A punch and then a round house kick. "Figures," He muttered absentmindedly.

The moon shone on his skin, giving him an unearthly glow and casting shadows around his moving figure. Without even realizing it, I focused my attention on a single droplet of perspiration that erupted from Yusuke's forehead. It streamed down his face, landed on his bare chest before traveling on. I bit down on my lip when it molded into each rippling muscle of his abdomen. I looked away, flushing. It was at that moment I noticed how much older Yusuke was compared to when he was fourteen. I couldn't understand it, when had he grown up?

Yusuke had stopped training now. He was at a nearby tree, pouring water on himself and wiping the excess away with a towel. Briefly, I wondered how long he had been out here. Punching kicking, forgetting that the whole world existed. I got a little braver and moved closer to him, I had come out here for a reason.

"I'm sorry, Yusuke," At this, he looked at me silently. Then moved away, his bangs momentarily shadowing his eyes.

"What for, Botan?" He asked sarcastically, coldly. He shrugged his shoulders. "It's not like we're dating or anything."

"Yusuke-"

"No, it's all right. Why should I give a damn if you disappear for awhile to be with Kurama?"

I was starting to get upset. "He's only a friend. Why do you always say that?"

"Because isn't that the truth?" He answered with a question. Yusuke was so close to me now, staring directly at me. "Look into my eyes Botan, tell me I'm wrong and I'll believe you." When I looked away he scoffed as if saying, 'I told you so.'

He stepped away from me, even though I didn't want him to. "What are you doing here?" Yusuke inquired.

"I came here to see you."

"That's not what I meant." He said. "I meant as in 'here.'" He did a sweeping motion with his hand. "Even before this case came up, when you and I first met, I always saw you. Even if nothing life-threatening was happening in Ningenkai, you were always there. Why?"

What Yusuke said was the truth. But I couldn't help myself, I was curious about him. It didn't make sense to me that he could be an arrogant jerk one minute and a compassionate person the next. Not to mention, I had a crush on him. I tried to be as elusive as possible, but I guess there was nothing that could fool him.

"Do you want me to leave permanently?" I asked calmly.

"That wasn't my question." Yusuke said. His voice was clipped, impatient.

I sighed softly. I was tired, more mentally than physically. I was tired of all these games Yusuke and I played, it was useless. I had already admitted that I loved him, why couldn't he?

"I'm sorry," I murmured again. "I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm sorry for saying things I didn't mean. I'm sorry for bothering you or annoying you. But," I smiled slightly. "I wanted to spend time with _you_, Yusuke."

"You wanted to spend time with me?" He repeated. When I nodded he smirked. "I feel so honored. Whatever, knock yourself out." Yusuke moved far away from me, sat down, and leaned against a tree trunk, his gaze going to the sky.

I watched him for a few moments before I produced my oar. I seated myself. What else could I do? I apologized, I tried to reassure him he was the only person I wanted to be with. Nothing worked. I felt something in me break. My first, actual relationship with a guy was crumpling around me. "So," I breathed. "Is that it? After everything, this is how you want to end it, Yusuke?"

I didn't realize he had heard me until I saw him stand up and approach me. I stepped off my oar and looked up at him. It was coming over me again, that feeling of awe. When did Yusuke grow up? How did I miss it? When did I fall in love with this nineteen year old boy? No, this man. I could feel heat rolling off of his body in waves. I felt a shiver run down my spine.

"No," Yusuke answer finally, eyes softening. "I don't,"

He stared at me for a second, but in that moment, I knew he felt slightly awkward, as did I. To ease it, I stepped closer to him, stood on the tips of my toes, and placed a sweet but chaste kiss on his lips. I think that broke him. Instantly, Yusuke's hands were on my shoulders, keeping me in place. He returned my kiss with the same lightness, but made sure it lasted longer. When he pulled away, I placed my fingers on the back of his neck. Again, I pressed my lips to his. Now, I did everything I could with his lips. Kissed, nibbled, suckled. I kept it light, playful, but never deepened it. I was tempting him. I know Yusuke was surprised with my initiative, but wasn't at all against it.

His hands trailed up to my face and he kissed me back so slowly, almost lazily. His tongue flicked out, ran over my lower lip, then ran across my top lip before gently parting them and entering my mouth. Yusuke's tongue explored my mouth as mine began to dance with his. I felt tremors start at the base of my neck and travel down to my toes. He stepped closer to me and moved his hands from my cheeks to wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. His kiss became more intense, demanding to know every inch of my mouth. Hesitantly, I snaked my tongue around his, exploring just the way he had. Yusuke rewarded me with a soft moan.

When I pulled away, I looked at him through half-lidded eyes. "Gentle," I commented. "Really gentle."

For the first time in days, Yusuke smiled at me, pleased with my compliment. "I'm experimenting," He answered. Then the smile vanished. "Tell me to stop." He requested seriously. His lips trailed down to my neck, leisurely sucking on the most sensitive spot there. "Just tell me stop and I will."

I nodded my head and bit down on my lower lip. Yusuke, he had to know, he must have known that this would be my first time. I had always thought of this moment. By heart, I was a hopeless romantic and I had been wanting and expecting what any romantic would imagine. First, it would be at Yusuke's apartment, _no_ interruptions, _no_ distractions. Second, flower petals and scented candles. Third, an exquisite dinner beforehand and declarations of love during the throws of passion. But I knew better, that fantasy was too made up. For one reason, Yusuke was certainly not the romantic type. And I don't know why, but I remember being at Kuwabara's house, talking to Shizuru. She said that first times were sudden, unexpected, clumsy, beautiful.

Yusuke kissed me again, his hands raking through my hair before untying my bow. He fingers were working at my kimono and I suddenly felt embarrassed as the outer robe fell before he was on to the inner robe. For distraction, I pulled away from him to kiss his chest, falling to the ground and bringing him with me. It was humid that night, and nearly impossible to breathe. But all I cared about was this moment. The heat, his kisses, and our stifled moans left me completely dizzy.

Yusuke claimed my mouth again, completely driven on impulse and urges. He kissed me hard, to the point that it was almost bruising. He ravaged me mercilessly and I suddenly moaned when I felt his calloused hand run up my thigh, along my abdomen, back, and everywhere that he could reach. Yusuke stopped his kiss for a moment and I shuddered as I looked into his eyes, they were definitely a few shades darker. He took that moment and swept his eyes over my body. In that span of two seconds, I literally turned six shades of red. But, he wouldn't stop staring at me.

"You look so serious," I whispered. I wanted to lighten the mood.

Yusuke smiled. "Sorry," He ran his fingers through my hair. He started kissing my neck again. "...Just wanted you like this for so long."

"How long?" I asked. His roaming hands were sending my thoughts elsewhere, but I stayed attentive for his response.

"When I was fifteen," Yusuke replied. "We were all at the beach and I saw you in your bathing suit for the first time."

I laughed before I kissed him lightly. "Hentai..." I murmured.

His smile widened. "That's not even half of it." He said. He pushed me back onto the ground, using my kimono as a blanket. In the process, his hips rocked into mine causing a delicious friction that left me breathless. Yusuke noticed immediately and took advantage of the situation. He continued moving against me. Slow, fast, and slow again. I barely managed to mumble his name. Yusuke pressed his lips against my ear. "What I really remember was watching you _change_ into your bathing suit."

I was snapped out of my hazy state from hearing that. Before I could slap him or even yell at him for his perverted ways, Yusuke was kissing me again. And like he was planning, I forgot about everything when that heat lapped at my abdomen every time he touched me. My hands traveled low, to the zipper of his jeans. It only took a few tries, but eventually, they were gone.

We made love underneath the shade of a tree, enveloped in heat, mosquitoes attacking us. The sounds of Yusuke's quiet grunts and moans echoed in my ears as he buried his face into the crook of my neck. But every second, he was gentle, tender. I remember touching every part of him. I kissed him across the line of his backbone. Kissed his cheeks, his hands, and shoulders. Kissed each knot of muscle and blemish. I learned how to move, to forget, to love.

I could barely describe what happened next. I was shaking, my insides throbbing as indescribable feeling traveled through me. Yusuke collapsed on top of me, exhausted and out of breath. He was about to roll onto his side but I gripped at him and relished in the sensation of having him laying on top of me. I think I startled him when I started rubbing his shoulders, kneading the taut muscles there with my palms and knuckles. But Yusuke relaxed eventually, and I started a path down to his lower back. I fingered him down his spine, bringing a hiss as I got to a particularly sore spot. His eyes were closed now, and I felt him relax even more, a sigh escaped him. I started upwards, making a slow circular motion, before coming back to his neck.

Yusuke groaned, "Botan,"

I managed to look at him. I was quiet for a long time. Then, "I love you," Just like I thought, he froze.

His eyes opened slowly to gaze at me. I wanted him to say it, I really did. But I felt disappointment swell up in me with each second dragging by. He opened his mouth to say something but I pressed my finger to his lips.

"Yusuke, are you happy?" When he nodded, I smiled brightly. "Then that's all that matters to me." I hugged him. "All I want is for you to be happy."

"Botan-"

I shook my head, silencing him. "I mean it, I don't want you to feel pressured. If you're happy, I'm happy, Yusuke."

He fell quiet after that and for a long while, we held each other and listened to the sounds of the night. Nothing in the world could describe how happy I was. I finally had the boy that I had been pinning for over for five years. Now, everything, all my reveries, seemed possible. I couldn't imagine myself being with any other person besides Yusuke.

Eventually we dressed and headed back to his apartment. I only got an hour's worth of sleep before I noticed the sun was ascending over the horizon. Carefully, I managed to untangle Yusuke's limbs from my body as I stood up. He was quick to react. He grabbed my wrists before opening a weary eye.

"Where are you going?" His voice was soft and I couldn't help but smile.

"To Reikai," I answered. "I need to get my school uniform then go to school."

Yusuke opened his other eye, he sat up. "To school?" Before I could protest, he grabbed me and pulled me down. "Stay,"

I blushed. "I'd love to, but I have so much assignments that I've missed. It would be best to get that out of the way."

He raised an eyebrow. "Listen to yourself, you actually sound like you care."

"Until this case is over, Yusuke, all I am is a student going to high school." I smirked. "A student who just so happens to be dating the most attractive guy at that school."

Instead of accepting the compliment, Yusuke frowned. But I could see the amusement in his eyes. "Who told you that?"

"You'd be surprised about what you can hear in the girls' locker room." I replied. "But right now, I need to go before it gets too late."

Without protest, he let me go and collapsed on the bed. "So we're a couple now," He stated without question.

I moved towards the window, feeling the light weight my oar resting in my hand. I turned to face him. I smiled, it was the only thing I could do. But I wanted to cry, to laugh, to scream at the top of my lungs that Yusuke Urameshi was officially my boyfriend. And I loved him to the very core of my being. I sighed, keeping my emotions at bay.

"See you at school." I said before seating myself.

Yusuke frowned again. "The only reason I'm going is because of you." Then he smirked suggestively. "I expect something in return for my generosity. Like meeting you in a janitor's closet or an empty classroom?"

My smiled dropped. "Hentai..." Was the last thing I said before I left Yusuke's apartment and headed for Reikai.

-

I remembered, decades ago, walking down these same halls, going unnoticed by everyone around me. Back then, I was always curious about schools and its students. I especially remembered those days near the end of the school year. The days when spring would silently slip away, and summer would take its place. During those times, the school hours seemed to last forever. The school would be humid, so much that no one could bare it. Right now, it was just like one of those days. On days like these, we had more breaks. And during these breaks, I would find myself wandering around the school until my next class.

My hair was pulled back. The sleeves of my shirt rolled up and my stockings pushed down to my ankles. It was only midmorning but I was already perspiring and I had no idea how I would get through the day. What made my mood worse was Kurama, everything him about him was swimming in my thoughts. I worried about him constantly. I was able to not think about him while I had been with Yusuke but it still didn't change the fact about what was happening to Kurama, what could happen.

I frowned then, running my fingers through my blue locks. No, I had to keep my mind focused on something else. But that wasn't working. I had purposely walked to the other side of the school, where no student went because the humidity was worse here. My steps were slow as I passed by each window and gazed at myself. I stopped once I noticed a classroom door open. Just as I was about to reach for the knob to close the door, I shivered.

I wasn't alone.

I stumbled back before I started running. But I didn't get far. A pair of arms grabbed me and I opened my mouth to scream but was silenced when a warm palm was pressed against my mouth. I struggled, I hit, I clawed, nothing worked. I was whirled around and suddenly I was looking into emerald orbs.

"Kurama," There was fear, apprehension in my voice. He could tell.

__

Why was it that you were the only one who saw Kurama that night? Koenma's voice rung in my head. _Why did he come to you when you were alone, Botan? When Yusuke was the last person you wanted to see?_

Kurama finally loosened his hold on me and I stepped back. I looked at the classroom door, it was still open. But I knew there was no use trying to escape, he would catch me with ease.

"You're frightened of me." He said.

I looked back at him and I could see a small, amused smile tugging at his lips. "Of course not," I said. "You just surprised me." I had to play dumb, I didn't want him to know that I knew what was happening to him. I wasn't even really sure Kurama knew what was happening to himself.

Kurama stepped closer to me, staring intently, his smile gone. What was he looking for?

"If I ask you to meet me somewhere, will you?" He whispered.

__

He's your friend, right? The voice in my head asked. _You do want to help him? Or he'll just keep killing..._

I only nodded my reply.

"Tomorrow," Kurama said. "My mother's house. I'll be waiting."

"Tell me right now." I said. "No one is here, just tell me Kurama."

Something flickered in his eyes for a second. But it was enough to have me trembling.

"Tomorrow," He said again and brushed past me into the hall.

I turned around, walked into the hall and found nothing. I leaned against the doorframe, my heart hammering against my chest. I know I was being stupid by agreeing, but I didn't want to sit idly and let Yusuke, Koenma, or anyone else take care of this. I wanted to help Kurama, and I would.

I sighed. "What have gotten myself into?"

****

Author's Notes: I know, right about now, all of you want to grab the pitchforks and hunt me down. Honestly, I wouldn't blame you. But all I can give is a sincere apology. This by far, had to be my busiest school year, and along the way, I became a little bored with this story. But I've regained my enthusiasm and I am going to finish what I started. So thank you all for hanging in there. I believe some of you may have noticed that my preview for this chapter at the bottom of the page is different from what was written here. I needed to change a few things around in this chapter and unfortunately, that whole Yusuke/Botan closet scene got taken out. But I'm considering putting in the next two chapters, I don't know.

Now, all of you know what's going on with or beautiful Kurama. Everyone's scheming now and Botan just happens to be caught in the whirlwind of it. Yusuke/Botan fans I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I know I said that I was going to bump this fic up to an 'R' rating. But now, I see no need to. I think this story is a lot better a PG-13, and plus, writing imitate scenes makes me so embarrassed! So I hope that love scene was able to quench everyone's Y/B thirst.

It's summer vacation, and you know what means. More writing, and hopefully more updates.

Thank you again to all who have read and reviewed, given me your praise, suggestions and comments. I truly do appreciate your in put. By the way, if anyone could tell me, I've been checking out a lot of fanfics, including my own, and noticing that, for some reason, my latest updates are not as spaced out as they use to be, compare chapter 6 to chapter 7 of _Nox_ and you'll see what I mean. Anyway, can someone tell me why that is or is the staff doing this.

Thanks and I'll see ya at the next update!


	8. Noxious

****

Author: Nirvana

Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

Rating: PG-13

Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

Summary: I was abruptly caught up in his eyes, even now, after everything, they looked so hauntingly beautiful. He appeared almost ethereal. Then it happened. I almost forgot that he wasn't himself. I almost forgot that he had ruthlessly killed so many people. (Botan's POV)

****

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.

Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy.

A special thank you to my beta-reader, Cat-Youkai. You are the best!

Chapter 8-Noxious

As soon as the dismissal bell for school rang, Keiko and I left immediately. I had had my fill of school for the rest of the week, but she was just beginning. Keiko said she had extra tutorial classes to attend.

"I want to spend time with you." She admitted quietly. "I'll skip my classes if you stay with me, Yusuke."

At this, I smirked. "I'm rubbing off on you more than I should."

Keiko smiled as well. "It was going to happen sooner or later."

We wandered the city for hours and went to all the sites the metropolis could offer us. For my sanity, we went to the arcade. For Keiko's sanity, we went to the museums. I swear, she is the only girl who can successfully persuade me to waste my time in such places. But all in all, we had fun together, just enjoying each other's company. And honestly, I can't really remember the last time we did this without having so much tension between us.

By the time we reached our last stop, a small ice cream shop, the sun was making its daily descent below the horizon. The sky was a swirl of orange, red, pink, and purple, while the stars were gradually making their appearance. From the ice cream shop, we walked the short distance to a nearby park. We seated ourselves on a bench that was overlooking a small lake, surrounded by nothing but trees. Keiko and I didn't speak for a long time, we just relished in the silence, eating our ice cream. It was hot that night and a relief when the wind blew, gathering a cluster of leaves that would eventually resettle themselves on the pavement when the breeze died down.

As we sat watching the stars, Keiko smiled her knowing smile. My first reaction was to frown.

"What?" My patience was long gone. But then again, was I ever the patient type?

She took her time eating the rest of her sugar cone. Once she was finished, she spoke. "You look very happy, you know that?" Keiko commented. She rested her face in the palm of her hand, her elbow against her clothed leg. Her smile was innocent enough, but the look in her eyes gave her away completely.

I scoffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, let's see," She started off with a sigh. She counted each reason with each of her fingers. "One, you showed up for school, on time. Two, you came to homeroom and gave our class a full attendance for once. Three, when you think no one is looking, you're smiling like an idiot. Four, during our breaks you disappear without a trace. Five, you didn't skip any of your classes today. Shall I go on?"

My frown deepened and Keiko's smile only brightened. I looked away form her. "You're so sure of yourself." I didn't like that she knew me so well. But hey, didn't I have the right to be a little happy over a girl? At the thought of Botan, I smiled inwardly.

"Of course, Yusuke. I pride myself on observation." She fell silent then, opting to keep her eyes on the glittering lake. I knew she wanted to say something, it was so obvious. But she was debating whether to take the risk or not. From the corner of my eye, I saw her head lower, just enough so that her eyes were covered by her bangs. Then, "Do you love her?" It was said so quietly and so close to her chest that I thought I'd imagined it. I looked at her to see her looking at me. The practiced smile was still on her lips, but her eyes were guarded, always alert. What was she trying to tell me?

My feet suddenly became so interesting to look at. "Keiko, I-"

"No need to tell me." She interrupted. My hand was suddenly warm and I realized she was holding it. "But...I always wonder what keeps you from saying it. What kept you from saying it to me for so long." She leaned in, her breath tickling my ear. "Are you that scared of letting someone know how you really feel?" I pulled my hand away from hers, folding my arms across my chest. Again, Keiko sighed. "I know you've always been the stubborn type when it comes to expressing emotions. But once you figure it out for yourself, just let Botan know, okay?"

"Is that why you wanted me to follow you around all day?" I demanded. "So I could be lectured?" I was suddenly angry with Keiko. Who had given her the right to just barge into my love life? Who told her she could tell me what to do? "You're right, I am stubborn. And I'm not going to change just for your satisfaction." I sighed quickly, more annoyed than anything. I stood up abruptly, my eyes narrowing. "I don't have time for this, I'm going home."

Keiko got to her feet, taking quicker steps to match my long strides. "Don't be upset with me." She whispered. I felt the light weight of her hand on my shoulder, I shook it off. "Yusuke," Her voice sounded pained.

I never understood why this always happened. To make everything clear, Keiko and I never broke up on good terms. We didn't talk to each other for days after it happened. Even when we did start talking again, thanks to Kuwabara, all our forced conversations led to heated arguments. And since then, it was always weird between us. Now months later, and with a new girlfriend, every time Keiko sees me, happy because I care for someone else that isn't her, it was like she purposely set out to ruin it and make me feel miserable, guilty. Just like now.

I turned around, facing her. I was so close to her that Keiko tried to step back, but I didn't give her the opportunity. I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close to me. I looked into her eyes for a moment, and suddenly, everything made sense. I knew what she wanted me to say to her. "I love you," I murmured. But my voice was flat, even bored. "There, I said it. Are you happy now?"

"Yusuke-"

"Don't you get it? I could say it a million times over, but it doesn't mean anything to me." I explained. "I do what I feel. Botan understands that, why can't you?" Ouch. I shouldn't have said that. It was one of those unspoken rules in relationships: Never, ever, compare your current girlfriend to you ex-girlfriend or vice versa.

I let her go and continued walking down the grassy path towards the sidewalk. And Keiko continued to follow me.

"I'm sorry," Her tone was anything but apologetic. I could almost feel her rolling her eyes at me. "I'm not Botan."

I stopped for a second, then started walking again. "No, you're not." And I had known that for so long, ever since the first time I kissed Botan.

"She and I are different." Keiko stated. "I'll never be her." It was like she was saying it more to herself than to me.

"You'll never be her." I repeated, reaffirming. I was physically, but without touching Keiko, pounding it into her head. She knew what I was thinking, what I wanted to say.

__

We broke up.

"Botan is always happy." Keiko commented. "Or, at least more than I am."

There's nothing left. 

"Go home, Keiko." I was trying, and failing miserably, to get rid of her by being cold. I made a shooing motion with my hand. "Please, just go pester someone else for a change."

__

I'm in love with someone else.

My last words were very quiet. "I've had my fair share of you."

__

Get over it.

I heard her stop walking and, for a second, I believed she was going to leave. But I should have known better. Keiko gasped very softly, I heard her quick footfalls and then, I felt her heavy school bag connect with the back of my head.

"You jerk!" She exclaimed. Keiko was livid. But I didn't mind it. Personally, I'd rather see her mad than depressed. I had been waiting for this, even pushing her fury to the surface. All the things she wanted to say and do were always hidden. She buried everything and kept up her flawless facade of happiness. That is until now. I wanted her angry with me. I wanted her to take out all of her pent-up frustration on me...because...

It was my fault she was like this in the first place.

Keiko grabbed my shoulder and whirled me around. Her brown eyes were blazing. "'I've had my fair share of you.' What's that supposed to mean!"

I glared right back at her. "Exactly what I said!" I yelled back. "Look at us, Keiko! We're not a couple anymore! Why do _I _have to listen to you bitch and moan at me all the time! Why do _I_ have to better myself to deserve you! Why couldn't you just accept who _I_ was without trying to change me!"

Her hand hit my cheek. But compared to her other slaps, that one was soft. "I don't understand you, Yusuke! Why do you always have to be such an asshole!" Keiko shoved me hard. "Excuse me for caring about you!" She pushed me again. "Excuse me for trying to help you!" Tears were welling up in her eyes. Her fists started pounding on my chest. "Excuse me for loving!" Keiko suddenly caught herself and looked away from me as the first sob shook her body.

Either way we looked at it, the real reason why we ended our relationship was because of what I did.

I fell out of love with Keiko.

I fell in love with Botan.

Keiko continued to hit me as hard as she could and then she crumpled to her knees. Slowly, I joined her on the grass and wrapped my arms around her. She couldn't stop shaking and she gave in without a struggle. I took one of my hands and began wiping her tear-stained cheeks before running my fingers through her hair. Even after all these months, I realized it now, she was never really ready to let me go. But she did anyway. And as for gratitude, I treated her like she an annoyance. I gripped at her tighter.

I held her until her shoulders stopped trembling, until her sobs fainted. And then I waited for her to speak, say anything. Insult me, even hit me again. Just as long as she got everything out in the open.

"I always asked myself 'why?'" Keiko began. "Why does this hurt so bad? I couldn't understand why you were able to cope so much better than I could." She clutched at my shirt. "I tried, Yusuke, I really did try. But it was a lot easier to just pretend that I was happy. For a while, I was able to convince myself that I was okay with it. Since you were happy, I thought I should be too. Then no one would pay attention to me. No one would feel guilty or sad. No one would think I was being selfish if I was strong. I thought it was the best way."

I rested my head on top of hers. When she said 'no one,' I knew she was referring to me and Botan. "Gomen nasai, Keiko." It was something I should have said months ago.

She glanced up at me for a second, then hugged me tighter. Keiko inhaled deeply before sighing. She smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, too. But," I could already see the tears coming anew. She attempted to stop them but the droplets only seeped through her lashes before running down her cheeks. Keiko covered her eyes before burying her face into my chest. Her voice was muffled. "I promise you, I'm almost there. It's...just going to take me a little while longer, okay?"

Keiko was sobbing again, and still, I held her to me. I never realized I was rocking her back and forth. "Okay,"

-

"Kurama," I smiled brightly, praying that it was convincing. "It was really nice of you to invite me to your mother's home." He glanced at me and I continued talking. "I mean, yesterday, I thought you might have been upset with me. You seemed...a little sad."

His emerald eyes flickered for a second. "Iie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you that impression." His smile was kind. "I just had the sudden urge to see you, spend time with you." He looked away. "I hope you don't mind."

I blushed. "Not at all."

To be truthful, I was a little scared. Over the years, I have come to learn that the most intimidating thing about Kurama is the way he used restraint. No one, I guess except for Hiei-san, could tell what he was thinking and what he was up to. That was what made him so deadly. Like I promised, I met Kurama outside the front gates of the school, before Yusuke realized I was missing. I remember going back to Reikai last night and telling Koenma-sama what had happened.

The most crucial thing is that Kurama doesn't realize you know, he said. I promise to keep watch of you. If something happens, I'll always know.

Kurama and I finally reached his house. We made our way past the living room and into the kitchen. It was strangely quiet. Then it hit me. "Kurama? If you don't mind me asking, where's your mother?"

He glanced at the clock. "I'm afraid she has stepped out. I believe to do some grocery shopping."

"Oh," I nodded. "I just wanted to say hello to her. If I don't see her, will you do it for me?"

Kurama smiled again. "Of course."

I clapped my hands together, feigning excitement. "Well, it's finally Saturday! So...do want to go somewhere? Maybe the arcade, or the movies, or the mall? Oh, Kurama, there's a lovely park nearby where we can go rowing. Or if you don't want to do that, we can just walk around the city until we find something to do. I heard a theme park just opened up downtown..." While I kept on babbling about all kinds of nonsense, I never noticed when he snuck up on me.

I inhaled sharply when I felt Kurama hug me from behind. The smell of roses enveloped me.

"Botan?" He called out gently.

"H-hai?" It was too clear I was nervous.

"Let's stop pretending."

I looked up at him. I probably looked really stupid. For the second time, I blushed. "Pretending? What do you mean?" I turned my attention to my hands, I started playing with my fingers. "Ano...I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

Kurama was suddenly in front of me. His eyes were a darker shade of emerald. "You, me, us." When I shook my head, my cheeks probably becoming even redder. He took his hand and pressed his palm against the underside of my face, effectively but gently forcing me to look at him. "Then let me help you remember." He whispered. Without warning, he kissed me.

I knew this was really wrong, I already had a boyfriend. But I knew this was for the good of the case. If it meant that I could help Kurama and stop all the potential new deaths, sacrifices had to be made. Relaxing, but reluctantly, I kissed him back. I was expecting Kurama's kiss to be nice and gentle. It was anything but.

His kiss was demanding, searing. When I timidly returned it, Kurama pressed me closer to him before I felt my back up against a wall. As he plundered my mouth, his tongue moved in slow, thorough strokes against mine. He ravished me until I could hear my heart pounding in my head and tremors running through my body. And when Kurama pulled away, he gently bit down on my lower lip.

I stared into his eyes for a second before I looked away, ashamed. I'm so sorry, Yusuke.

Kurama gently raised my face so I was looking into his eyes again. He was smiling. "I need you," He declared.

I blinked. "Need me for what?" Playing dumb was just too easy for me.

Kurama laughed then. "I'm afraid that there is no use for modesty, Botan."

I attempted to smile, but I couldn't. I wanted to change the subject. "Kurama, why don't we go to the beach? You can...take me to that cave. I really liked it there the last time we went."

He was quiet for a moment, but the grin never left his lips. "Okay, actually, it's been a while since I've been there myself."

This time, I graced him with a genuine smile. "Great...um...do you need anything? Food? Or are we going to stop somewhere to eat?"

"I just need one thing." Kurama responded. I never got the chance to ask what it was before he kissed me again. I wanted so badly to pull away from him, but he couldn't know that I knew what was wrong with him. I kissed Kurama back, trying to imagine Yusuke here instead of him. But suddenly, I didn't feel right. Out of instinct, I attempted to pull away but I felt something icy touch my lips.

I pushed Kurama away from me and stepped away from him, alert. "What did you do to me?" I whispered. My heart was racing.

The smile fell from his face as he gave a look of mock shock. "Why, Botan, I have no idea what you're talking about?" He stepped closer and I stepped back. It was then that I noticed the ember hue in his eyes. "All I said is that I needed you." He replied. "Well, for reproduction."

I remained silent before my eyes darted to the front door. If I could make it...

Without hesitation I started running, but I abruptly stumbled when the room began spinning. Kurama stepped closer to me and embraced me but I pushed him away. "Why are you being this way?" He asked. "You weren't just a few moments ago."

I staggered my way towards the table. All the while, Kurama hovered over me, not even making the effort to hold me down. I leaned against the table, breathing hard. Then I tried to leave the kitchen, my body swaying from side to side. Kurama merely followed me, taking his time, he looked almost amused.

"I gave you a little sedative," He stated finally. "You'll eventually be unconscious, so what is the use of fighting it?"

I looked at him. "What are you going to do to me?" I was leaning against a wall, I was so close to the front door.

But he pressed his form against the front door, diminishing any of my chances of escape. Kurama smiled. "You see, my race barely exists anymore." He ran his fingers through my hair. "I need another person. Humans die too easily, and I am in no mood to bother myself with youkais. So, I picked you. Once the eggs are implanted in you, the Makai worms can finally replenish."

Disgusted, I turned away from him. I stumbled towards the living room and then I was falling fast. Kurama caught me with ease. He frowned slightly.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself, that won't accomplish anything." He whispered in my ear.

I stared at him. "Please, Kurama. You don't know what you're thinking." I willed myself to sit up and wrap my arms around him. "I know you and you would never do this. You don't have the heart to actually want to take another human's life." I hugged him tighter. I was bold enough to really look him in the eyes. His face kept coming in and out of focus. "Let me help, okay?" I smiled. "I promise, I'll take care of everything for you." I touched his cheeks. "Please...don't let this thing take you away from us."

Seconds that felt like an eternity dragged by before Kurama rested his fingertip against my own cheek. Slowly, he traced my face. "It's a pity," He commented. "What I might have to do to you."

I gasped suddenly when I felt the side of Kurama's hand hit the back of my neck. Then everything faded into black.

-

"Oi! Kuwabara!" I called out before slapping him on the shoulder. "Long time, no see!" I spent the last hour trying find him and going to all his usually hangouts. I never imagined I'd find him at our school _after_ school hours. I seated myself next to him, watching him curiously. He was scribbling who knows what down on a piece of paper. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" He replied a little too quickly. He snatched the paper away before I could see it. I graced him with a sly smirk.

"Is it a love letter to Yukina?" My smirk widened when I noticed how red his face became. For the past few years, Kuwabara had been relentless in his pursuit for Yukina. But the girl somehow managed to play hard to get without even realizing it. But still, my friend was a fighter to the bitter end.

"Shut-up, Urameshi!" He exclaimed. He stuffed the paper into his pocket. He changed the subject. "What is your problem? I haven't talked to you in almost a month. What have you been doing?"

"I've been busy." I explained sheepishly. "You know, doing investigations and stuff for Koenma."

"What!" He yelled. "And you didn't even let me help you?"

"That's not true, I'm going to let you help me right now." I already had the folders with me, I knew this was going to take a long while to retell. But it had to be done so he would understand. I started from the beginning, back when Koenma had first told me and Botan about the irregular death patterns in Ningenkai. I told Kuwabara about the youkai decoy, Kurama's disappearances, the Makai worms, everything. By the time I was finished, I opened the folder and placed a single picture on the desk. "Here's what the dead bodies usually look like. Shriveled and decapitated."

Kuwabara turned his face away. "Put that away." He demanded.

I ignored him and pulled out another photograph. "If you noticed, the victims are always female." I pulled out more pictures for emphasis. Kuwabara nodded, still looking away and I sighed, rolling my eyes. I finally did as he asked and placed the photos back in the folder. "Do you understand everything that I just told you? Because I'm not explaining anything again." When he nodded I continued. "Koenma's been keeping an eye on Botan. We need to know when Kurama's going to go after her and where he's going to take her."

"Do you know where she is right now?" Kuwabara inquired.

I frowned, suddenly realizing I was worried about her. "She's probably with him." I answered quietly. I quickly changed the subject. "I already have Hiei's and Yukina's help. I also need yours, that's why I'm here." Kuwabara nodded again but said nothing. I spoke up once more. "Botan doesn't know it yet, and I hope to Kami she doesn't find out, but she's kind of being used as a decoy by us and Kurama." I noticed the confused look Kuwabara threw me and I went on to clarify for him. "Botan knows that she's being watched constantly by Koenma, what she doesn't realize is that she's a distraction for us while we get our plan together.

"For Kurama, he's using Botan as a decoy to get our attention. He is fully aware that we will come after him, but not at full force. Hiei warned me about that, Kurama's too clever for it. Also, he won't kill Botan, if that's even possible. But he wants to use her for...reproduction." I shuddered, and at the same time, I was angered by the thought.

"Reproduction?" Kuwabara echoed and I nodded.

"Kurama, I don't know how, will plant the eggs inside Botan's body. Since the larva like warm, dark places, naturally they will grow. Since Botan is neither human nor youkai, Kurama's taking the risk that she won't die even as those larva are growing into worms and feeding off her blood. Eventually, they will exit her body and-"

"Okay!" Kuwabara said. He had paled considerably. "That's enough explanation. What do I need to do?"

I smiled. "Why, Kuwabara, I thought you'd never ask." I slapped his shoulder again. "You, my dear friend, are going to be decoy number two."

"What! No!"

"There's no choice in the matter, you have to. It's too late to go back and make changes in our plan and Hiei refused the position. So, you're the only one left. It's just process of elimination."

I could hear Kuwabara muttering to himself. I could have sworn I heard him talking about a certain fire demon. Then, "Fine,"

"I knew you'd see things my way." I said. He glared at me and I grinned. "What you'll need to do is make him fight you. Draw his attention away from Botan. No heroics, you can't rescue her. But once she's out of the way, we won't have any distractions. But we'll have to be careful, under no circumstances can Kurama be killed." I glanced at Kuwabara, he was still sulking. "Look at it this way," I said. "Yukina is going to be there, right?"

"Right," Kuwabara agreed.

"And you're going to be there too, agreed?"

He nodded, frowning slightly.

"Well, this is your chance to show off all your fighting skills to Yukina. She already thinks you're brave, and by doing this, you'll make an even better impression on her. She will most definitely think higher of you."

Kuwabara looked hopeful. "You think so?"

"I know so."

He blushed and I smirked internally. I knew I had him. Hook, line, and sinker.

"All right,"

"Great!" I looked outside to see the sun setting. Just in time. "We need to go, now."

Kuwabara got his feet, following me out of the classroom. "Where?"

"To Reikai, to see Koenma."

-

As soon as Kuwabara and I reached Koenma's office, he was already frowning. "I haven't been able to contact Botan." He stated. "I believe Kurama has found out that she knows about his little secret."

I was suddenly nervous, by I remained calm. "Do you know where she is?"

Koenma motioned for us to come behind his desk. He pointed to the screen, and a map suddenly appeared with a moving dot. "That's her, she's been moving for the past two hours. I think it's safe to assume that Kurama is taking her here." He pointed further up north.

"Where's that?" Kuwabara asked.

"The beach," Koenma answered. "Possibly, Kurama may have more dead ningen bodies there but we haven't searched that area yet." He turned to me. "Hiei is already following Kurama, I'm guessing Yukina is with him. You need to get there or you won't have the distraction," He glanced at Kuwabara. "That you need."

I nodded in understanding before Kuwabara and I headed out of Koenma's office. He called after us.

"I'll step in if my assistance is needed."

-

I suddenly groaned and shifted before opening my eyes. I met a pair of emerald. "Hello," I jumped a little, wanting to get to my feet and run. But I realized that my wrists and ankles were securely tied with rope, or maybe, it was vines. From my angle on the ground, I was able to look around. We were in that all too familiar cave and faintly, I could hear the crashing of waves against the sand. I inhaled deeply, the smell of salt was heavy in the air. I shifted against the ground and managed to get myself on my back. But I also accomplished digging myself deeper into the bed of sand.

I looked at Kurama, who was still watching me intently. Then I asked quietly, "How did you know that I knew about...?" I trailed off.

He smiled, amused. He pushed himself off the rocky wall and took a seat in the sand, near the mouth of the cave. Just like that night, the moon was full again and it made Kurama's skin glow. With every passing breeze, the wind would play with each strand of his flaming red hair. I was abruptly caught up in his eyes, even now, after everything, they looked so hauntingly beautiful. He appeared almost...ethereal.

I almost forgot that he wasn't himself.

I almost forgot that he had ruthlessly killed so many people.

That is, until he spoke.

"Honestly," Kurama began. "It was when you kissed me back. When...you played with your fingers and when you blushed a lot." He almost looked wistful. "When you're nervous, Botan," He explained. "You talk fast. You look everywhere else except at the person you're conversing with. It was the little things that gave you away. You were so hesitant, which only left me with two options. Either you hated me or you had found out. I went with my second choice." His eyes darkened. "Am I right?"

I looked away from him, my cheeks hot with embarrassment.

Kurama shifted in the sand. "They're coming," His voice held no question. "First Hiei and Yukina, then Yusuke and Kuwabara. They're really close."

I locked gazes with him again. Everything was starting to come together. "After I crossed the bridge," I started, that night was still fresh in my mind. "You were the one who pushed me off the cliff. But why did you hold onto me if you had no intention of falling yourself?"

"_I _was the one who pushed you." Kurama responded. "But I didn't save you, Shuuichi did that. Initially, I had no intention of using you, so I was going to kill you." He smiled. "Shuuichi simply felt guilty, and if you were going to die, he was going to be valiant and die with you. It was so romantic." Kurama's voice was taunting. "I first came across him in Makai." He pointed to his head. "He put up quite a fight, but like always, I win. He had no chance, it was either control him or kill him."

I let the information sink in, my mind dancing with images of what could have possibly happened to Kurama. All this time, after months and none of us had noticed. My vision gradually became blurry and I turned away from him again, suddenly guilty.

"You can't kill me." I spat out. "Or have you forgotten that I am reaper?"

He frowned at me. "I have not forgotten, but I beg to differ on the matter of being able to kill a ferry girl."

I closed my eyes, in a vain attempt to stop the tears. But I couldn't. Shuuichi was trying to fight this monster, why couldn't I?

I heard Kurama approach me. "You miss him, don't you?" He whispered. I didn't answer. "Just remember, you were never actually talking to Shuuichi. Ever since Yusuke's birthday party, it's been me and no one else. Even in his demonic form."

"Demonic form?" I repeated. "You changed into Youko?"

"I could if I wanted to right now." Kurama replied. He touched my cheek. "But I can be Shuuichi for you, just for a few seconds."

My eyes met his once more. "What do you mean...?" But I trailed off when he tenderly took my face into his hands.

"I could tell you everything he's thinking at this moment." Kurama clarified. "Do you know that he's in love with you?" The way he said it made me feel as if he was mocking me. "Shuuichi...loves the way your hair moves when you walk, and the way your smile lights up your whole face. And the way you blush and look down at your feet when you're embarrassed. He especially loves your eyes, one minute they're pink, then the next, purple." I looked away but Kurama only leaned against me, pressing his lips to my ear. "Shuuichi was one of the very first people to realize there was more to you than what everyone else believed.

"He talks to you differently, more seriously. He was the one who made you feel important. Like a woman, like you were actually alive, am I right? Even the great Koenma can't do that, he treats you more like an errand girl than the Deity of Death. Tell me the truth, Botan. Tell me I'm right." My only response was a pained sob. Kurama was silent for a moment before he exhaled deeply and I was suddenly in his embrace.

He continued on. "Why are you crying for me?" He inquired gently.

My body went rigid, hope swelling in me. "...Shuuichi?"

He didn't respond immediately. "...I'm afraid for you, Botan. You will never have any idea how much I want to save you." I felt his bangs brush against my cheek as he leaned in closer. "Don't cry for me, I don't deserve to have you mourn on my behalf."

My head lowered, a frown curving my lips. "You monster! He is my friend, why wouldn't I!"

Kurama suddenly smiled, then began laughing aloud. I struggled against him before he moved away. "It's fun teasing you. Botan, you almost believed I was him."

I was abruptly confused when I felt the restraints on my wrists and ankles go slack. I sat up and looked at Kurama. It was then that I noticed his skin was shiny with perspiration. Almost as if he had been fighting...or he was sick. "Why did you untie me?"

He shrugged. "Why not? There's no use for you to run anyway."

I don't know if it was just stupidity that got to me or I felt hopeful, but I ran anyway. As soon as I took a couple of steps, I was tackled to the ground. Kurama pushed his weight against me to hold me down as his hand gripped at my neck. But the way he looked at me, there was not a single trace of anger on his features.

"I told you not run." He chided me, his hold became tighter and I struggled for breath.

I tried to move my hands. But then I realized they were wet. Not with water, but with something else.

I looked directly at Kurama. "You're bleeding." I declared.

"Oh, that," He said. "It's not my blood, Botan. You see, while you were unconscious, I was able to feed."

"Then why are you sweating?" I inquired. I tried to ignore the pain in my neck. "You look ill."

"I'll be truthful with you now." He replied. "I haven't been able to feed as frequently as I need to. So, I'm dying." Kurama smiled. "And I plan on taking your friend with me."

Before I could protest, Kurama scooped me up into his arms as he made his way towards the mouth of the cave. "We should be going," He said. "The party has started and rest of the guests have arrived. It would surely be rude to keep them waiting any longer."

-

"Yusuke, why did you bring this fool with you?" Hiei demanded. His voice was quiet but his words were laced with venom.

"Hey, who are you calling a fool!" Kuwabara was already in his face, staring daggers at him.

Hiei smirked. "You," He replied. He raised an eyebrow. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Kuwabara's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, I do have a problem. He's four feet tall, has three eyes, and a stick shoved up his ass!"

I sighed, exhausted. This would have been very entertaining, if it had been at another time and place. I faced both of them. "Children!" I scolded. "Either we get along right now or our plan is screwed. Continue your fight later." I threw a glance at Hiei. "Is Yukina all right?" He merely nodded. "Good, now Kuwabara-"

"Matte," Kuwabara said. He pointed an accusing finger at the fire youkai. "Why did he get to come here with Yukina?"

Hiei's eyebrow twitched and I stared at him wide-eyed. I quickly snapped out of my stupor. "You idiot!" I yelled. "Forget about that, you need to do your part of the plan. Listen Kuwabara, Kurama most likely knows we're here, so we're depending on you."

Hiei scoffed and Kuwabara glared.

"What you need to do is just scout the area, find Botan, and keep Kurama away from her. I say again, do _not _rescue her. Hiei and I will be behind you later and we'll take care of the rest."

Kuwabara blinked. "That's all I get to do?"

"That's more than you can handle." Hiei responded.

"Why you!" I shoved Kuwabara out into the clearing before he could retort.

I watched him as he stalked off, muttering aloud. I sighed. "I know something's going to go wrong."

"Doesn't it always when that fool is involved?" Hiei asked coolly.

-

My eyes fluttered open and again, I found myself securely tied against a boulder, my mouth gagged. But there was no sign of Kurama. I moved my weight from side to side but there was no way I could loosen my restraints. I knew I was bait for the rest of the Reikai Tantei and I wondered when they would be here. I felt ridiculous. My goal was to help Kurama all by myself and in the process, not need to be rescued by anyone. But it didn't matter, every case we had, I was always saved from near death situations.

My eyes drifted to the crashing tide, and watching that and smelling the salt permeating in the air somehow lulled me. But I suddenly looked up when I heard fast footfalls approaching. I thought it was Kurama, but I was more than surprised and relieved to see Kuwabara. I stared at him. He noticed me immediately and I began to struggle, it was my only way of warning him that this was a deliberate trap.

"Don't worry, Botan." He said. "I'll have you out of here in no time."

I yelled, but it only came out as a muffled groan. I watched as Kuwabara's hand began to glow before a long blade, made solely from his spirit energy, appear in his hand. He sliced the rope away and a feeling of dread came over me as my restrains dropped to my feet. I quickly pulled the cloth out of my mouth, I knew Kurama was coming.

"Kuwa-chan," I whispered. "Run," I knew he could feel Kurama coming. His features told me the whole story. "This is a trap!"

But I never got the chance to say more before I watched what happened next. It was like time itself slowed. Kurama, his rose whip clutched in his hand, ran towards us before leaping into the air at an incredible height. His emerald eyes met mine for just a moment and I felt my heart stop.

There was no time.

Kurama flung his whip back.

There was no time. I couldn't save him.

Easily, quickly, ruthlessly, Kurama struck Kuwabara.

My eyes widened when I heard the sickening sound of bone cracking before his blood hit my clothes in gushes.

The next thing I heard was myself screaming into the night.

****

Author's Notes: Finally! Chapter eight is over with and hey, I updated somewhat on time. What about that? Honestly, I really had fun writing this chapter. But it was so hard making Kurama a villain. I tried to make him evil but at the same time not out of character. Gosh, I hoped it worked. For the Yusuke/Botan fans, I apologize, there was no action between them in this chapter. But I promise, you'll have it in the next chapter. So, what did you guys think of this one. Good? Bad? Let me know.

Thank you again for the reviews, I always appreciate input on whether I'm going in the right direction. It's been so fun writing this story, but I'm afraid, we're getting to the end. We only have two more chapters until the grand finale. But don't be sad, maybe or maybe not, I may write another Yusuke/Botan ficlet. Or possibly, I could head in another direction. Who knows? But until that time comes, let's enjoy the rest of _Nox._ Now here is a little preview of what's to come in the next update!

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Chapter Nine-Wake Up

-Yukina makes her debut!

-We finally get to see what's going to happen to our beloved romantic soldier, Kurama.

-Yusuke and Botan goodness and fluff.

-And gasp! A character death! I wonder who?

Until, chapter nine, bye y'all!


	9. Wake Up

****

Author: Nirvana

Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

Rating: PG-13

Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

Summary: Koenma crouched down and met my gaze. "Let me tell you something. Botan, out of all the ferry girls in Reikai, was by far the most foolish. She always had a tendency to do irrational, thoughtless things for anyone. Especially when it came to you, Yusuke."

****

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.

Author's Notes: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fic, so please be gentle with me. To put it straight, I'm not too much of a Yusuke/Keiko fan. It's not that I hate Keiko, I like her actually but I can only see them on a brother and sister relationship. With a bit of flirtation here and there, of course. Besides that, I like different kinds of couples together, as you can see from the story. Most of the time, the story will be put in Botan's POV, more depth and blah, blah. Italics just means dreaming or past events or thoughts. But enough about my babbling, let's get to it. Hopefully, I will do my best to keep everyone in character and keep you, the readers, interested. This is my one challenge to make a story that keeps people into it. Well, that's enough said. Enjoy.

A special thank you to my beta-reader, Cat-Youkai. You are the best!

****

Chapter 9-Wake Up

Kuwabara never made a sound when he collapsed in the sand. Almost hypnotized, I watched as a stream of his blood made a trail towards my feet. But he was still breathing. Slow, hitched inhales and exhales followed by sharp coughing that shook his entire form. I was already beside him before I realized it. I clutched at him gently, pressing my forehead against his back. This is my fault, I kept chanting it in my head.

"I'm sorry." I murmured. "Kuwabara, please get up." But I knew he couldn't, he could barely move. I glanced up to meet Kurama's gaze, he had crept towards me like a shadow. Within a second, he was already beside me, dragging me away, back towards the rock. I struggled to get free. "Shuuichi would have never done this!" I seethed. "Shuuichi would never hurt another comrade! Never! He!"

He gripped my shoulders and pulled me to my feet "Don't you understand! I'm not Shuuichi!" Kurama suddenly exclaimed. It was the first time I had ever seen anger wash over him. But it was gone just as quickly as it came. His cold demeanor resurfaced flawlessly. He pointed towards Kuwabara. "He'll die soon, do you know that?" He inquired quietly. I looked away but he forced me to look at him. "No one will save him. He'll bleed to death. You have no one else but yourself to blame."

"You attacked him."

His fingertip ran down my cheek, it wasn't an affectionate gesture. "Only because he wanted to save you." He raised my chin to meet his eyes. "Now, who will save you? Hiei?" Kurama glanced behind him. "Kuwabara? Or?"

"How about me?"

Kurama didn't bother to look at Yusuke when he spoke up. Instead, he opted to continue to stare at me. "Yusuke,"

"Kurama," He stayed his distance, perched atop a tall boulder. Even though I had seen Yusuke just yesterday, the time away from him seemed like an eternity. He suddenly leapt from the rock and landed on the ground with perfect grace. Despite the situation, he smiled. "One hundred and ninety seven."

"You've been keeping count."

"And much more than that too. For once, I did my homework like a good detective. You should feel privileged, I did all this research and investigation just because of you." Yusuke took his first step towards us. "Now, it won't be a problem killing you. I know everything that I need to know."

"But you wouldn't take that risk." Kurama grabbed my shoulders again and held me in front of him, facing Yusuke. "Getting rid of me would only lead to Shuuichi's death." His fingers touched my neck. "And Botan's." Yusuke, for the first time, focused his attention on me and for a moment, his eyes softened. "You wouldn't want to do that, would you?"

In my peripheral vision, I caught a flash of black. Hiei was standing beside us, sword drawn and barely touching Kurama's temple. He frowned deeply. "Only a coward would use a woman as a shield." He stated. "But unlike the detective here, I am not as hesitant to take your life, Kurama. If need be."

My eyes widened. He wouldn't. He couldn't-

"But that won't be necessary." Yusuke stated. "You're already dying."

I felt something heavy brush against my shoulder and I winced when a sharp pain traveled down my arm. I knew it was Kurama's rose whip. His hold on me seemed to only tighten as each of the three fighters stared each other down. My attention went back to Kuwabara. He was a lot quieter now, his chest was still rising and falling though. But my heart would skip a beat every time I couldn't hear him breathing. 

At the most, a few seconds had passed before Hiei suddenly disappeared and Yusuke was charging towards us. His fists were drawn, eyes narrowed, a battle cry leaving his lips. But instead of attempting to hit Kurama, he suddenly dropped, sliding through the sand and coming close to swiping Kurama's legs from under him. With ease, he held me closer and leapt into the air, bringing his whip down for a punishing blow. This time, I didn't bother to close my eyes. And just like I'd hoped, Yusuke dodged Kurama's counterattack and stood up again, almost as if he'd never moved.

My eyes scanned for Kuwabara and I panicked when I couldn't find his body. But I did notice a trail of blood leading to pillars of boulders. Kurama followed my gaze and I could have sworn I felt him smile.

"He'll die anyway, it's just a matter of time." He whispered it almost too casually. He was trying to get a response out of me. Instead, I remained quiet and gave a silent thanks to Hiei for taking Kuwabara away. He would be fine now, I thought calmly, he was probably with Yukina.

Yusuke wasted no more time and was charging again, his speed increasing with each passing second. Kurama was ready, bending slightly for any leaps or sidesteps he would need to take. But before I could blink, I saw Hiei again, running beside Yusuke, both splitting up, and standing on either side of Kurama before striking. I barely had time to register what was going on. I only realized I was in the air the moment Kurama dropped me. I prepared myself for the harsh impact but suddenly, I was in Hiei's arms. He sprinted fast, towards the tall rocks.

"Hide," Was all he said before he was gone, returning to Yusuke's aide.

From my bastion, I watched them fight. There were sparks of light and the brief appearances of one fighter before they vanished at incredible speeds. They continued on like that, all on the ground or up in the air, exchanging quick mighty blows that seemed like a flawless dance. Then suddenly...

The fighting ceased. Kurama hit the ground first.

Yusuke and Hiei soon followed, but unlike their enemy, they landed on their feet. They waited, ready for him to strike.

"Botan,"

I turned around and saw eyes like deep rubies. "Yukina," She was farther in, covered and safe in the shadows of the rocks. Legs tucked beneath her and her tiny hands outstretched, doing her very best to heal Kuwabara as quickly as she could. I glanced back at the others, but only for a moment. Then I was by Yukina's side, staring down at Kuwabara. I looked up at her again and she offered a small smile.

"He's fine," One of her fingers touched the deep wound that had severed Kuwabara's left shoulder. The blood was finally starting to dry. "But Kazuma always has me worried. This wound in particular wouldn't stop bleeding for a while."

"Do you need any help?" I inquired, but I already knew the answer. She shook her head slightly, her eyes lowering.

"Do you think they'll kill him?" Yukina made sure to keep her voice at a murmur, almost as if she were afraid Kuwabara would hear her.

"I don't know." I replied eventually.

Honestly, the thought of anyone dying during this whole mess didn't cross my mind until now. Yukina's question only made my mind wander to the past, back towards the beginning when Yusuke first died and when he was still distant towards me. It was a late night assignment, the usual lone youkai that needed to be dealt with. I remember asking him if he ever thought of the consequences because he was always so reckless. When Yusuke finally did answer my question, it was just after the fight, his finger still glowing from his sprit gun. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I can sometimes be too arrogant, he had said. But I always believe every case I deal with will be easy. That is, until I have to deal with it. Every time, someone dies, someone's close to dying, or everyone's lost hope. I don't know, I guess, that's just the way it works. There's no use trying to fight it.

"I wish there was something I could do." I muttered, suddenly angry with myself.

"You've already done enough." Yukina's comment wasn't comforting, neither an insult or a compliment but it still made me realize I had no one to blame but myself. Almost as if she had read my mind, she added, "Gomen nasai, Botan. I didn't mean to sound rude. But is there a point in blaming yourself for everything? What is done is done, you can't change that. But what you can do now is-" She suddenly cut herself off when Kuwabara coughed violently.

We were both by his side in an instant, listening to each inhale and exhale he took. Yukina, with renewed determination, went back to work and doubled her efforts. I smiled slightly when Kuwabara opened his eyes. He stared at me, opened his mouth to speak but closed it and remained silent. He quickly fell back into slumber.

I breathed in sharply when I heard Yusuke let out a brief shout. I turned around just in time to see him hit the sand. He stayed down for too long and I was suddenly on my feet and running to him. I stopped when Yukina called out to me.

"Wait," Was the only thing she said.

I felt my hands clench but I did as I was told. Yusuke was up on his feet again after a few breaths. He glanced in the direction of Hiei and Kurama, who were both still relentlessly fighting. He slipped off his jacket and that was when I noticed the thick trails of blood flowing down his left arm. A wound similar to Kuwabara's but not as deep, not as fatal.

I stepped closer but still kept my distance. "Yusuke..."

I didn't mean for him to hear me, but he did anyway. He turned around and met my gaze and we stared at each other for a few moments before he suddenly graced me with a goofy grin. "Why do you look so worried?" Yusuke inquired. He tried rotating his injured arm, to see if there were any broken bones. I looked away from him when I heard the sickening pops and cracks of bone against bone. Kurama had dislocated Yusuke's shoulder, but he'd already taken care of that problem. Before I could call out to him, he was already back to fighting Kurama.

Yukina drew her hands away from Kuwabara. "Kazuma, he should be all right now." I turned to her and watched as she stood and approached me. "Now I can focus my attention on something else." I gave a her a questioning look and she went on to clarify. "Hiei-san told me what was happening with Kurama-san. He told me that his weakness was-"

"The cold." I finished for her and Yukina nodded.

"I'll begin gradually, but Kurama-san will eventually notice the difference in temperature." She was already at work, her eyes glowing a light blue.

Indistinctively, I wrapped my arms around my body. "How cold does it need to get before Kurama is back to normal?" I exhaled, watching the thick puffs of air drift away from my lips as shivers crawled up my spine. Yukina, naturally, didn't feel a thing.

"Very cold." She replied at last. "The first sign is hyperventilation. But most likely, he'll be discreet about it."

While I fought, blocked, and dodged, I was busy memorizing Kurama's movements. I had never fought against him before and being on the receiving end of his blows was not too pleasant. And to top it off, he didn't show any weaknesses or signs of slowing down. His attacks were brutal but I knew without his rose whip, he would be half of what he was. I managed to evade another blow before backing off to give myself space. Hiei landed beside me and Kurama was several yards away from us.

Hiei glanced at me, barely looking winded. His eyes narrowed. "You're out of shape."

I took in a sharp breath. "No, really?" Sarcasm dripped from each word. "How was I supposed to know I had to play, 'Yusuke the Spirit Detective' again? It's been almost three years. I thought I was done with it."

"That's a pathetic excuse." Hiei commented indifferently. "And enlighten me. What would you have told Koenma if Ningenkai was destroyed? 'I'm sorry, I was out of shape?'"

I glared at Hiei, not really appreciating his teasing. I turned away from him while trying to control my heavy breathing. Even if it had been a while, I shouldn't have been this tired already. But then again, Kurama wasn't your ordinary youkai. I took those precious moments to stretch but I never took my eyes off of him. "Do you have any suggestions?"

Hiei was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Kurama is ambidextrous."

My eyebrow arched. "What does that mean?"

"Sometimes, he'll switch his rose whip from one hand to the other. Didn't you notice?"

I shook my head. "I could never tell the difference, but then again, I was making sure that whip didn't slice my head off."

He was silent for a moment before he replied. "That's part of the reason why Kurama can defeat his enemies swiftly. In past battles, he'll sometimes switch to his left hand, even though he prefers his right. But the thing is that all his attacks are never identical when he uses his left hand. It's quite easy to notice if you're paying attention."

"Well, fortunately Hiei, not all of us are like you."

Either he had ignored me or just let the comment slide. "Catch him while he's switching hands, that's his weakness. In that duration of time, that's the perfect opportunity to attack."

"Any others?"

"I'll let you figure that out on your own." His eyes darted around before he frowned slightly. "Yukina has already started. We need to end this quickly."

"Easier said than done." I muttered. I suddenly realized how cold it was and I wished I had kept my jacket on. But it didn't matter. If this was bothering me, who knows what it was doing to Kurama.

Hiei and I stood there for a moment longer before I made a gesture for him to take the lead. I fell in step behind him as we, once again, charged towards Kurama. He was already waiting for us with an almost nonchalance posture. I wasn't going to use my spirit gun, I never liked to until there were no other options. Besides, hand to hand combat was so much more satisfying.

When Hiei swung his sword, just barely missing Kurama, he faltered and I took that opportunity to connect my fist to his face. He skidded back, the soles of his shoes digging into the sand and giving him some balance. But I couldn't wait, the more time wasted meant less of a chance of saving Kurama.

I swung my leg around, delivering a roundhouse kick that crashed against Kurama's side. He exhaled slowly, a thick white puff of air leaving his mouth. I struck again, this time, with a fist. He blocked it with his arms and jumped up when he could feel the edge of Hiei's sword bite at his skin. And just for a second, Kurama had landed on the tip of Hiei's weapon before he leapt into the air behind him, his body spinning in circles as he brought his rose whip down to deliver a blow to the fire demon's back as Hiei attempted to move away.

Hiei only grunted, even as a gash of blood spurted from his wound. I think it was the first time Kurama was able to land a solid hit on Hiei, I wasn't entirely sure. But he was indifferent or just choosing to ignore the injury as he turned around, lifted his sword, and waited.

Once I believed Kurama was not going to attack first, I took the initiative. I was barely a foot away from him before I heard Botan scream. All he needed was that half a second before his whip had me hurtling several feet above the ground. I landed in a crashing wave against the sand, the saltwater burying into my wounds like thousands of needles. But I didn't care about that, my mind was too focused on Botan.

What had happened to her?

When Yukina touched me, I think there was more shock than pain. It was like being punched or stabbed, feeling my insides twist and slowly open. But without the pain, it just left me trembling. I stumbled away from her, collapsing in the sand and folding myself into a ball. I didn't understand what was wrong with me.

"Just as I thought. You've been infected." She stated. I watched as a single snowflake touched her cheek. "Try to remember. Did Kurama do something to you?"

My mind was racing to try to find an answer. Now I could feel the pain, gradually building like a storm. I closed my eyes. "He kissed me." I shuddered again. "What's going to happen to me?"

I heard Yukina reply, but it was only a murmur before everything went black. I heard other voices, some loud and soft. Then I was falling and when I felt myself hit the ground my eyes sprung open. But I was no longer on the beach or next to Yukina. I was standing in Koenma's office, leaning against a wall and watching him as he busily did paperwork. I was just about to approach him when suddenly someone burst through the grand doors. I did a double take when I realized that person was me.

"Ouji-sama!"

Ouji-sama? I...hadn't called Koenma-sama that since...

He glanced up then looked back down. "What is it, Botan?"

I watched myself as she came behind his desk, giving him a motherly pat on the head. "I still can't believe you're actually a toddler!" His eyes narrowed and I winced, still not accepting how naive I was back then. "Even with this pacifier!" She giggled aloud and I finally noticed how much younger I looked, or rather, acted. I had been the same age for the past millennia.

"Is that what you came in here to tell me? Why aren't you in training?"

I, my younger self, moved away from Koenma and took a seat in a chair. "I'm on a break and I decided to come visit you." All the while, she played with her fingers. It was a habit I still couldn't break. Young Botan was silent for a moment before she spoke up again. "Let me see you in your other form."

Koenma sighed. "I've already told you, Botan. That really isn't my other form. It's just a disguise, a costume." He noticed her deep frown and quickly changed the subject. "Where's Ayame? Why don't you spend time with her?"

And I knew what I was going to say, what I had said, during this conversation.

Her frown deepened. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because Ayame-chan is crying. She misses her mother and her brothers."

I don't think, back then, I had noticed the look wash over Koenma's face. But having the second chance to look again, I knew very well what it was: remorse. This was the beginning, the time when I had barely known what a ferry girl was and that there was life after death. And I remembered, it wasn't until years later that I found out how Ayame had died. There was a massacre at her village and she had been left behind. I never knew if it had been on purpose or not, the files were too vague.

I watched as the look left Koenma's face and he went back to his work. My younger self busied herself by holding out her hand and producing her oar. I grinned at the thought, it'd taken me only a day to learn how to do that. But the smile faded from my lips when I realized what was coming. And I couldn't understand, why was I thinking of all of this right now?

"Ouji-sama?"

"Yes, Botan?"

"How did I die?"

Snap! That was the sound of Koenma's pen breaking in half.

"I mean," She continued on, her expression thoughtful. "It's weird. Ayame-chan, Sakura-chan, Megumi-chan, and everyone else knows how they died. Whenever they ask me, I don't know what to tell them. I can't remember. Is it supposed to be like that?"

As strange as it might sound, I was envious of myself. Just because of the fact that I didn't know yet. And with all my heart, I wish I had never found out. I wish I could have stayed naive and clueless without being so curious. But Koenma knew he owed it to me. If he didn't tell me now, I would keep coming back and asking and asking until he finally told me.

Koenma looked himself over before he twirled in his seat. Once he was facing my younger self again, he was no longer a toddler but an adult. She giggled in response.

"You changed!" She sounded more like she was six instead of fourteen.

"Botan," Koenma took the pacifier from his mouth and gave me a severe look. "What I say to you right now cannot leave this room, do you understand me?"

The smile dropped from her face. "Hai, Ouji-sama. I promise." She gave a salute for emphasis.

They were silent for several long moments and from my corner, I watched the expressions that passed over Koenma's face. He looked so torn, he didn't know how to explain this easily. Why hadn't I ever noticed this when he first told me? I turned my gaze back to the younger version of me, idly swinging her legs, looking carefree again.

Finally Koenma started. "Botan, you're death wasn't natural." I knew she was going to speak but he held up a hand and she shut her mouth immediately. "What I mean by 'not natural' is that your life was taken differently. You weren't murdered like Ayame was. You didn't die from self-starvation like Megumi did. You didn't drown like Sakura did. You didn't die like any of those girls because their deaths were normal. That's why you don't remember because I made sure you wouldn't."

She blinked, not understanding. "Ouji-sama, what do you mean? Is there another way to die?"

He leaned back into his chair, his bangs covering his eyes. "Yes," He replied. And then he smirked, it was something I don't remember seeing back then. "Otousan, forgive me if you ever find out."

My younger self gaped. "You have a father! I didn't know that? Where is he?"

Koenma stood up and approached me. I was still seated in the chair and he got down on one knee, his hands landing on my shoulders. "Forget about that, you'll meet him someday. After your training is complete." From my corner, I looked at the way he stared at her with such intensity. I knew he was regretful of what had happened to me. And I knew she wouldn't understand what he was about to say to her.

"I found you in a meadow, Botan." He started. "Do you remember that?"

She nodded, smiling. "I think the flowers were tulips. But I was nine then."

"Do you remember anything after that?"

"No,"

"Yes you do. Remember how I came to visit you?"

"Yes!" She exclaimed suddenly with such enthusiasm. "I was the only one who could see you. You said I was special because of that."

Koenma nodded vigorously even though his expression looked grave. "Then, what happened when you were fourteen?"

The girl's smile vanished. "I don't remember."

"You were crying. I found you in that same meadow, Botan. You said," He paused then tried again. "You said that you hated your family, especially your mother. You said she neglected you, did things to you."

"But I don't hate my mother." She supplied. "Are you sure I can't see her anymore?"

"You'd be invisible to her, a ghost." It was at that moment, Koenma's voice began to shake slightly. "I-I'm sorry."

"For what?"

His voice steadied. "I was selfish and I don't have any explanation for it." He offered a tired smile that made him look twice his age. "I guess you reminded me of the little sister I'd never had." After a long moment, Koenma, I think for the first and last time, hugged me briefly before he stood up and moved away from me.

"Gomen nasai," She said. "But I still don't understand what you mean, Ouji-sama."

"Botan..."

The rest of what Koenma said didn't reach my ears, I didn't want to hear it again. Even after hundreds of years, my death was still unclear to me and I had no intentions of ever bringing it up again. For her, the information was slowly sinking in. And for me, it was like reopening an old wound. When he first told me, I realized I could have had a life. I could have grown up and fallen in love and gotten married and had children and grown old. I could have had everything.

I waited for a while before I looked up again. I sighed when I noticed that she was crying.

"You would have been fifteen a few days from now." Koenma murmured, staring at the floor. "And-"

He abruptly stopped talking as I watched my younger self produce her oar and throw it at him. Koenma could have easily dodged it but he let it hit him in the shoulder. Head bent, I watched as she dashed away from the office and into the darkness of the hallway. And I knew she was going off to find Ayame and then off to Ningenkai to visit the meadow of flowers to see where she had 'died.' It was a passing thought, but I suddenly remembered that I was never able to find my mother or that meadow ever again. I stopped talking to Koenma for three months after that conversation.

The Reikai prince stood there in silence for a few moments. Then he turned and looked directly at me. "Wake up, Botan." He ordered.

My eyes shot open.

"Botan!"

"Yukina?"

I looked to my left to see her sitting and leaning against a boulder. I tried to sit up and move towards her but sharp pain in my abdomen had me gasping. I collapsed on the ground again and exhaled, noticing the puffs of exhaled air, the snow, and my numb body. I turned my attention back to Yukina.

"What happened?"

"You fell unconscious." She answered quickly. She glanced behind me. "Does it hurt to breathe?" When I nodded, Yukina went on. "I believe when Kurama kissed you, in a way, he impregnated you, probably with eggs. Those demons were growing inside of you. But because of the cold, their weakness, they are slowly dying. But once the parasites die...so will the host." I was about to respond but I suddenly stopped breathing when I couldn't hear Yusuke, Hiei, or Kurama fighting. Yukina must have realized what I thinking. "I don't know what happened. Everything...just became really quiet."

Yukina shifted ever so slightly and my eyes widened when I caught a glimpse of the deep gash below her waist. She had been hiding it behind her arm. "Yukina! What!"

"After the fighting stopped, Kurama came after me." Despite her condition, she smiled at me. "I know it's not his fault, so I don't blame him for it."

"But where is Kurama?"

"Kazuma is keeping him distracted." Yukina answered. It was then that I realized Kuwabara was missing. "But that...he left over an hour ago and I don't know why he hasn't come back."

My eyes drifted back to her wound. "Can't you heal yourself?"

"Yes, but not at the moment." Yukina removed her arm, no longer keeping her injury hidden. With bloodied hands, she scooped up some snow and pressed it against her wound. She winced softly. "I think Kurama was waiting for the right moment, playing with Hiei-san and Yusuke-san all the while. He knew that it would take a lot out of me if I produced this," She made a gesture with her hand, referring to the ice and the snow. "So once he was sure, he did this to me." She fell quiet after that.

I bit down on my lip and with all my will, I sat up. This wasn't right. Yusuke and Hiei could probably be near death, as well as Kuwabara and Yukina. And I was here, doing nothing. As long as I wasn't dead, I needed to help. I counted to three before I forced myself to stand up on shaky legs. I staggered a bit, but eventually, I started moving away from Yukina.

"Wait! Where are you going?" She called after me.

"To help." I replied. "I know Kurama is not impossible to beat. I'll be a much better decoy than Kuwabara because I'm valuable to him. If he kills me, then he kills himself."

"But you're already close to dying!" Her voice was uncharacteristically loud, frantic. Was she that scared for me?

I was silent for a moment, weighing the odds. I knew for a fact that pulling heroic stunts was not my forte, but what did I have to lose? Self-sacrifice was the last thing on my mind but if it came down to that...I don't know what I would do. I made up my mind quickly before I placed my hands on my hips and graced Yukina with a sly smirk.

"I'm the Deity of Death, remember?" I said with more excitement than I felt. "Who knows if he can actually kill me or not. But...there's only one way to find out."

With that said, I began walking off. I heard Yukina call out to me to come back but I kept on and never gave her a second glance. As soon as I wondered away from my hiding place, I noticed different sets of footsteps and trails of blood. The walk had seemed like forever and there were times that I would collapse and have to catch my breath. But I kept going until I heard the distinctive battle cry that belonged to none other than Yusuke. Knowing that was he was still alive relieved me tremendously.

Instead of making my presence known, I ducked behind a rock and watched. Even though Yusuke was alive, that didn't change the fact that he looked a lot worse than from the last time I saw him. Deep cuts from Kurama's rose whip decorated his limbs and face. His left arm hung limp by his side and I knew that either his arm was broken or he'd disconnected his shoulder again. And even though Yusuke did his best to try and hide it, every time he walked I noticed his slight limping.

Hiei, though he had his own share of cuts and bruises, appeared to be in better condition than Yusuke. But what unsettled me the most was the way he looked at Kurama with such anger. There was no other explanation needed except for Yukina. Standing next to him was Kuwabara, who looked the best out of them all. And then, my eyes finally landed on Kurama, kneeling in the middle of the three. It struck me then that there was a great chance that none of them could save him. But I wanted to, even at the cost of my own life.

"Kurama," It was Yusuke who broke the silence. "Let me help you." He took a slow step forward, snow crunching beneath the sole of his shoe. "Come on, how long have I known you?" He took another step. "You can fight this, I know you can. I've seen you kill other youkais that were a hundred times stronger. This demon is just a parasite, it can't harm you if you don't let it. Fight it." Kurama said nothing but stayed very still. Yusuke walked up to him and stood close enough that he was less than a foot away from him. "It must be so painful. I know you never wanted to kill those people or put anyone in danger. At first, we didn't realize something was wrong with you, Kurama. But we're here to help now."

I caught the swift movement of emerald eyes gazing at me beneath blood red bangs. He knew I was here but Kurama wasn't the only one to notice. Hiei caught the movement too and turned to my direction, his eyes widening slightly. Before he could even speak, Kurama was suddenly at my side and gripping at my wrists. Even though his grip was secure, I realized how much he was shaking. I think it was taking all of his will power to keep himself steady. I couldn't remember seeing his eyes this cold. But I knew I wasn't scared of him anymore.

"Kurama," Then I shook my head and smiled. "Shuuichi, Yusuke's right. We're here to help you. Don't let this thing take you away from us because your mother would be so sad."

I glanced up and I saw Yukina standing behind him, her hands slightly raised. I pulled away slightly just as she placed her hands on his neck. Kurama bucked slightly and I steadied him by running my fingers through his hair before I moved away completely. As I stood there watching, I heard someone approach me from behind and I turned around to face Yusuke.

I smiled. "Hey,"

He smiled back. "Hey," He touched my shoulder. "Are you all right?"

I was about to respond but the smile suddenly vanished from his face and I looked behind me just in time to see Yukina's fallen body and Kurama coming towards us. Yusuke wasted no time and pushed me behind him, raising his hand that was shaped into a gun. My eyes widened as his finger began to glow.

"Kurama, stay back!" He warned.

"Yusuke, you can't!" I exclaimed.

"Does it look like I have a choice?" He demanded. "Talking didn't help and we tried that like how many times?"

My voice sounded weak, more so than I liked. "I know, but-"

"Run, Botan." He interrupted. "Go hide."

Any normal, defenseless girl would have listened to the hero of the story. She would have run, the villain would be killed as she closed her eyes, and she would run to the hero and shower him with kisses for his bravery. But this story wasn't going to end like that. Besides, I was nowhere near normal and I never wanted to be defenseless again. Before I realized what I was doing, I stepped in front of Yusuke and moved towards Kurama.

"Botan!" Yusuke yelled and I'm not sure, but I think I heard a little fear in his voice. "What are you doing!"

I stopped once I was in the middle of the two and kept my eyes on Kurama. "You won't kill me." I taunted. I touched my stomach for emphasis. "I have something you want."

Kurama stopped suddenly and frowned. "Don't insult my intelligence, Botan." He did a gesture towards the snow and ice and sleet. "The larvae are dead and so am I. So I might as well take one of you with me." He approached me and I briefly saw Yusuke run past me and land a solid punch on Kurama's face. He hit the ground hard.

"Don't even think about it." Yusuke said. "Your fight's with me, remember?"

He picked himself up quickly. "Oh, how could I have forgotten?" And then he struck and I felt Yusuke shove me away before I landed in the sand.

My gaze traveled towards Hiei, Kuwabara, and Yukina. She was leaning heavily on Kuwabara and he was whispering something to her, maybe words of comfort. Hiei was staring at Yusuke and Kurama, his eyes darting from side to side and up and down. I didn't understand why this fight wasn't over and why everything we had tried failed. And then I felt that feeling again, helplessness, creep up on me.

As I watched the pair fight, I don't know why but I suddenly remembered a case that almost ended in Yusuke dying. The smell of his blood in the air was what I recall the most and after weeks of recuperation, I finally got the chance to see him. I thought I had given my secret away, the way I cried for days by his side would have been a clue to anyone. Then one day, when he finally woke up, I still remember the way he took my hand in his before he even looked at me.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" A tipsy Yusuke had asked one night, both of us perched on a tree branch, during a youkai watch. Of course, he'd completely forgotten we were assigned on patrol that night. I found in him in his apartment drunk silly. I was about to say this wasn't the time or the place but he beat me to it. "I couldn't get over your eyes. They...were so strange." I remember my frown fading into a smile as he continued. "They would change colors when you were happy or sad or giddy or whatever. But I liked them the most when you were angry. You're eyes get so bright." Yusuke was silent for a moment, then, "Come to think of it, I've been making you upset a lot lately." He laughed sheepishly. "Sorry about that."

"I want to be human soooo badly." I confessed a long time ago on another demon watch.

I felt Yusuke's eyes on me. "And if you were, what would you do?" He inquired.

"I'd grow up. I think I'd like being twenty-five." I answered. "But I also remember other ferry girls becoming human because they fell in love. So, maybe, I'll do that too."

His voice was softer, maybe even a little shy. "And...who would you fall in love with?"

I suddenly laughed, blood rushing to my cheeks in utter embarrassment. "You can't control who you fall for." But I jokingly added, "Though, if I had to choose, it would be with you, Yusuke Urameshi. No one else but you." And I think part of me wasn't kidding when I said that.

I pulled myself out of my reveries just in time to see Kurama land a kick on Yusuke's side before he hit the ground. He got his feet quickly and leapt back, giving himself some distance from Kurama. Yusuke looked so tired but so determined and I knew he would keep on fighting until his very last breath.

Kurama's whip was now similar to a long pointed sword and I finally noticed that Yusuke had been stabbed with it few times, the very tip was covered in blood. The pair stared each other down for several minutes before Yusuke grinned. I felt a shiver run up my spine as he raised his hand.

"Come on," He urged, his finger began to shine. "Let's get this over with. How about one last attack?"

Kurama smirked, snapping his wrist, his whip went slack with the motion. "Why not,"

I suddenly felt like I was spinning. Either one of them was going to die. Maybe even both. Faintly, I could hear Kuwabara screaming for Yusuke to think rationally. I know he wanted to go over there stop the inevitable, but Hiei was keeping him where he was. At this point it didn't matter what Yusuke did, I was fairly certain Kurama and Yusuke would hit each other at the same time. But for some reason, something unsettled me about the whole thing. What if something went wrong? I didn't want to watch Yusuke die again, twice was already enough.

Honestly, I had never thought it would actually end like this. I was hoping we would save Kurama, avoid a big fight and any possible death. But right now, that doesn't seem possible. It was either we both died or one of us did. And I didn't mind dying just as along as I left everything all right. I frowned slightly, my thoughts drifting. But that wouldn't work out too well, Botan would be so sad. Not to mention furious with me. I tired not to think of her but that was just hopeless.

"I'm sorry," I said it so close to me but I didn't know who I was saying it to.

I saw Kurama running towards me and I focused everything on him. This was my last chance.

He leapt up into the air and raised his rose whip. I fired my spirit gun and just as I hoped, he reflected it. The missed shot hit the sand and a sudden cloud of dust swept up into the air, surrounding us both. I stood where I was and listened. There was silence for a moment before I heard the very soft footstep from Kurama. I ran towards him, preparing for another attack. I raised my hand, was just about to fire another shot but I suddenly stopped when I heard another rustle and wind sweep past my face, I turned in that direction before I heard noise all around me.

I never expected to feel Kurama's whip hit my side. I bit down on my lip as I fell, grasping my side. Despite myself, I smiled. "How did you learn to move that fast? New trick?"

I glanced up when I heard the heavy rattle of his whip. Kurama smirked. "Hiei taught me a few years ago." He answered. "Mind you, I'll never be as fast as him but it finally came in handy."

Now this was it. Even though I wasn't that badly wounded, it would take me too long to get up and avoid Kurama's final attack. I watched as he raised his whip and-

"Botan, no!"

That was Kuwabara screaming. But why?

I looked on as Kurama brought his whip down but I was suddenly pushed to the side before I heard a tiny gasp. My eyes landed on Botan, on the very deep wound that ran along her torso. I felt my heart stop as she just laid there, completely in shock. Her gaze was on me but she abruptly closed her eyes as she began panting. Her soft heaving finally started to shake her body as she began coughing up blood uncontrollably.

I barely noticed Kurama as he stepped back, stunned into silence before Kuwabara and Hiei tackled him to the ground. Eventually, Yukina approached and held out her hand. "Gomen nasai," She whispered. "This is going to hurt, Kurama-san." And she touched his neck and he suddenly screamed in pain.

I stood up and I couldn't understand why my feet weren't moving. Finally, I came towards Botan and lifted her head and cradled it in my left arm. She gripped at me, gasping and bucking in my grasp. I steadied her as best as I could but didn't know what else to do except hold her to me. I felt her face bury into my neck. She managed to speak.

"I-I've n-never died b-before." She stuttered out.

Die, living, die, living. I chose to lie to her.

I managed to smile. "W-what are you talking a-about? You're fine. Everything's fine. You're n-not dying." Why was my voice shaking?

Botan smiled, her body had steadied, as well as her voice. "You're such a terrible liar, Yusuke."

I felt my smile vanish and as much as I tried, I couldn't bring it back. I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers. "And you're-"

"A fool? An idiot?" She offered before laughing weakly. "You pull heroic stunts all the time, don't you?" And she suddenly started coughing and when she pulled her hand away from her lips, I caught the sight of fresh blood. There was so much blood, too much. "I guess it didn't work for me though. But I hope you weren't expecting me to sit around and watch you die, Yusuke. I'm not like that anymore."

"And this is better!" I exclaimed and I hugged her to me because I was so...scared. I was aware of everything now. Her ragged breathing, her pale skin, her blood spilling into my hands and pooling around us. I didn't fight back enough. I could have stopped this. It was my fault. Why her? Why? Why?

"Yes," Botan murmured in my ear. She sounded exhausted, but at the same time, overjoyed. I could hear her breathing slow. "Because...you're still alive. And what I did wasn't in vain." I felt her fingers tangle with mine. "I always wanted to share the greatest parts of my life with you. I'm glad finally got the chance."

I pulled away to look into her eyes and the realization really hit me. But foreknowing that someone dear to you was going to die never took away the pain. When her eyes became half-lidded, I started to beg.

"Don't leave. Botan, don't. Let me go get Yukina-"

"No, stay with me." She murmured and I obeyed. Botan was quiet for a moment before she smiled a little. "Did you know? When we first met, I said to myself, 'This boy has such pretty eyes. Chocolate brown...'"

"Don't leave." But I knew she wouldn't give into my request, even if she wanted to.

"Pretty eyes," And Botan reached up to run her fingers down my face and I blinked and noticed tears on her cheek that weren't hers. She managed a smirk. "Why do you look so worried?" She closed her eyes and opened them slightly. "See, Yusuke? Doesn't hurt anymore..."

The hand on my cheek fell with a soft thud as her gentle breathing ceased.

I shook her suddenly. "Botan?" But I already knew, her eyes gave her away. But I still continued to shake her. "Botan! Please wake up!" I buried my face into the crook of her neck and held her to me. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. I was dreaming, this was a nightmare. This-

"Stop it, Yusuke. There's no point." I glanced up and saw Koenma. "Botan is dead."

"Did you just get here?"

"Actually, no." He pointed to some faraway place. "I've been keeping my distance."

I frowned deeply. "You were watching the whole time!" I screamed abruptly. "Why didn't you save her!"

Koenma remained silent but took a step forward and I scooted back, taking Botan's lifeless body with me. I felt her neck rock back and forth, limp against my arm.

He sighed, suddenly impatient with me. "She wanted to save you, Yusuke and that was out of her own freewill. I couldn't have stopped her. If she hadn't, you'd probably be dead right now." Koenma shrugged. "But the chances of you actually dying, I believe, were very slim." His gaze traveled to Botan and I could have sworn his eyes narrowed slightly, accusingly. "I don't understand why she did that." Koenma crouched down and met my gaze. "Let me tell you something. Botan, out of all the ferry girls in Reikai, was by far the most foolish. She always had a tendency to do irrational, thoughtless things for anyone. Especially when it came to you, Yusuke."

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I was completely stunned. Then my anger sprung up again as I took that chance and let my fist hit Koenma's face. I gripped at the front of his clothes as Botan fell from my hold and onto the sand.

"Foolish! Is that all you can say! Didn't she mean anything to you!" I shook him. "I don't understand why she ever listened to you! She!" It was quick and I should have been watching. Something hit the back of neck and I crumbled to the ground, paralyzed.

I glanced up to see Botan was now in Koenma's arms. He looked up. "Thank you for that, Hiei." Then he looked down at me. "She meant a lot me, Yusuke." He replied impassively. And then he turned and started walking away. "More than you'll ever know."

He disappeared into the night and I could feel myself falling into sleep's embrace. This wasn't real, I told myself, it was just a bad nightmare. And when I finally closed my eyes and gave into unconsciousness, Botan was already there, sitting on my bedside, smiling the way she always did when I was so careless during my fights.

She tsked softly, a bowl of water and a cloth in her hand. She rung the cloth dry of dripping water before placing in on my forehead. "Did you win? Did you help Kurama?" I nodded and her smile widened and I forgot how to breathe. "I knew you would, Yusuke." She breathed before leaning down and kissing my cheek. "I love you," Botan murmured.

At that point, I knew I was dreaming. But I said it anyway. "I love you, too."

****

Author's Notes: Hello everyone! It's been a couple of months, hasn't it? Well, how was the chapter? Good? Bad? Too OOC? Well, you know what happens when people lose loved ones. Forgive me, I've never been very good when it comes to writing action scenes. My forte has always been the romance area anyway. So, I'm sorry if the ending, climatic fight didn't turn out the way you pictured it. Also, I'm very, very sorry about the long wait. I kid you not, ever since August, the last update, I've been swarmed with nothing but school. And since, it's my senior year, I've been focusing on nothing but that, leaving me no time to update. So, I hope you find in your hearts to forgive me. I'm sorry!

I don't know if any of you were expecting Botan to be the murdered character. Oh well, what can I say? I've had this planned out ever since the beginning. Now, I'm warning you, don't expect a happy ending and don't anticipate a sad one either. For the final and last chapter of _Nox,_ it's all in Yusuke's POV so there will be no switching up. But keep an open mind, you never know what could happen. Then some of you are probably wondering about Koenma's sudden coldness. If you think you have an idea, let me know and you can see if you're right by the next chapter.

Again, I am very sorry about the delay. I hope to have _Nox _done by next month so I can move on to other things. So, until next time, see ya and here's what to keep in mind for chapter ten!

****

Chapter 10-Always

What's happened to Kurama?

What will Yusuke do now?

Botan: Dead? Alive?

And of course, the ending.


	10. Always

Author: Nirvana

Pairings: Yusuke/Botan

Rating: PG-13

Keywords: Romance, Angst, Lust, Revelation

Summary: Koenma sighed impatiently..."I hate to break it to you, Yusuke, but the world doesn't revolve around you...This is what life and death is. People are born, they live, they eventually die..."

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any of the characters. They rightfully belong to their respective owners.

Author's Notes: Okay, we've finally dwindled down to our last chapter. Oh my gosh, I am so relieved and happy that this ficlet is out of my hands now. To all who waited so patiently, thank you. Honestly, there is no way I can tell you how difficult it was to end this story because all the alternate endings I typed up did not flow well with the rest of the story. So forgive me for taking so long, but I'd rather make my readers wait months for a good ending instead of giving you guys a crappy ending in only two weeks. But still, I apologize. I love you all for waiting so long. This story has thrived on all of your responses and encouragements. I never realized there were so many Yusuke/Botan fans! And knowing this, there is no way I'm going to stop with _Nox. _I'm going to keep going and make everyone at least tolerate of Yusuke/Botan fics because honestly, how can you not like them a little bit? They're too cute together! Anyway, here's the story and I've hoped all of you have enjoyed reading it just as much as I have enjoyed writing it!

Okay, we've finally dwindled down to our last chapter. Oh my gosh, I am so relieved and happy that this ficlet is out of my hands now. To all who waited so patiently, thank you. Honestly, there is no way I can tell you how difficult it was to end this story because all the alternate endings I typed up did not flow well with the rest of the story. So forgive me for taking so long, but I'd rather make my readers wait months for a good ending instead of giving you guys a crappy ending in only two weeks. But still, I apologize. I love you all for waiting so long. This story has thrived on all of your responses and encouragements. I never realized there were so many Yusuke/Botan fans! And knowing this, there is no way I'm going to stop with I'm going to keep going and make everyone at least tolerate of Yusuke/Botan fics because honestly, how can you not like them a little bit? They're too cute together! Anyway, here's the story and I've hoped all of you have enjoyed reading it just as much as I have enjoyed writing it!

Chapter 10-Always

Botan adored playing with me. On any given day, we'd have different roles, different lives, different personas. But today, she wanted it to be simple, just us, the high school students. And all I had to do was smile and go along with her charade. In the end, I always got what I wanted.

I don't remember her being in any of my classes but today, she was there, sitting a few rows in front of me. I didn't know whether this was English or Math or whatever. My attention was completely focused on Botan. I watched her curiously, watched as she shifted her legs to bring her knees together. The movement was deliberate, my signal.

It only took a few minutes before we were locked away in an empty classroom. The tried and true excuse of 'needing to go to the bathroom' always came through. I was fairly certain we had both skipped that particular class enough times to fail but did it matter? No, nothing ever mattered when Botan smiled so innocently with that coy look in her eyes. She had a way of making you forget about everything else but her. However she wasn't so gentle today. She didn't want to be shy. As soon as I closed the door behind us, she already had me pinned to the wall, her fingers raking against my uniform. I shivered and she pouted.

"We only have twenty minutes. I waited too long."

I smirked. "That's still enough time. Besides, we have morning break next." I gripped at her arms and quickly swung her. She landed on the teacher's desk with a quiet yelp, pencils and pens clattering to the floor while stacks of papers drifting around us. My smirk fell when I stared into her eyes. I could always get lost in her eyes. "I missed you."

Botan blushed deeply but her tone became serious. "I never left you." Her fingers went to the first button of my uniform. Each button she unfastened was punctured with her next words. "I've been right here by your side." And she paused at my chest, resting her palm against my beating heart. She smiled softly. "I could never leave you, Yusuke. You know that."

I suddenly felt my shoulders shaking. I knew what was happening. It always happened. "Then why am I dreaming?"

She gave me a puzzled look. "What do you mean?" She smirked and I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She arched her back suggestively and I felt a warm shiver travel through me. Botan lifted herself up and circled her arms around my neck. "Do you still think you're dreaming?"

Instead of answering, I leaned forward and let my fingers trace her face. I always did this, just to make sure I didn't forget a single detail of her. Botan smiled again and then there was nothing but eyes and lips and skin and _her_. And as her caresses and touches became less gentle and more demanding, I forgot that I was dreaming.

"Yusuke! Wake up!"

I sat up in bed suddenly, glancing around quickly before focusing my gaze on my mother. "Okaasan...?" I rubbed at my eyes to clear my blurred vision. "For the nth time, what are you doing here?"

She had made herself comfortable in front of my bed. Fetching a chair from the kitchen, sipping on tea, and skimming through a stack of magazines. She hadn't bothered to look up at me, she was engrossed with some article she was reading. "I came to visit you. You do realize that it's past twelve in the afternoon."

My eyes narrowed dangerously. "Go home, mother." I muttered rudely. Hey, could you blame me for being awoken from a very pleasant dream? I climbed out of bed and stalked over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. When I came out a while later, dressed and still irritable, she was there, drinking her tea with a fresh magazine in her lap. "What are you still doing here? I thought I said-"

"Yusuke, what's the matter with you?"

"Nothing's wrong."

She flipped the page, skimmed, then flipped the page once more. "What are you talking about? Ever since I got here you've been sulking! Not to mention these pasts weeks have been awful. Why? And you know what..."

I tuned her out as I stepped out my bedroom and made my way to the kitchen. So what if I was sulking? I have a right to be and it's none of my mother's business anyway! And for once, I've been keeping to myself. Usually, when I'm in a really bad mood, I make everyone else around me just as miserable. But now, I'm not bothering anyone. All I wanted was solitude. But I can't even get that. Everyone keeps hassling me, asking if I'm all right, telling me everything's going to be okay, and blah, blah, blah. But they don't understand. How can I be? How can it get any better? How-?

"Yusuke, are you listening to me!" My mother's shrieking voice pierced the air. I bit down on my lip when she snatch my ear and pulled me back to her with a strength I didn't know she had. "Don't you know that it's rude not to listen to your mother when she's speaking!"

Usually, I would have fought back to the bitter end but I was so exhausted. "Please," I begged quietly. "Let me go."

She immediately did, taken aback by my tone of voice. She was silent for a moment before she spoke up. "Yusuke..." Her voice was gentle now, motherly. "What's wrong? I just want to-"

"Help?" I offered. I walked towards the refrigerator and pulled the door open. Nothing except bottled water. "You and everyone else, Okaasan."

"But I'm different from everyone else." She declared. "I have a mother's intuition."

I half scoffed, half laughed. "What good could that-?"

"Did Botan leave you?"

My hands involuntarily clenched and my throat tightened up. Stop, mom. Please don't talk about her. Please_, please._

"I knew you two were dating." Okaasan stated matter-of-factly.. "I mean, who didn't? But I had my doubts with your behavior."

I managed to find my voice again. "What do you mean?"

Mother stepped into the kitchen and took a seat at the table. She pointed an accusing finger at me. "The way you ran back to Keiko all the time, I thought that maybe you two were still in love or something. That all you needed was a little time. That maybe-"

"I don't love Keiko." I replied. How many times have I said that? "At least, not like that anymore." I turned around to face her, quiet for several moments. I was clearly aware of my wishy-washy behavior. But I had never taken the opportunity to actually explain why I acted so selfishly. I never thought anyone would understand. Now, here was my chance. I spoke up again. "I...clung to her because having something familiar was comforting." I took a seat across from her. "My relationship with Keiko didn't work out so how was I supposed to know if it would work with a new girlfriend?"

When my mother didn't answer right away, I turned away from her, embarrassed and flushed. I can't believe I'm having this conversation with her, of all people. But then again, I can't really imagine myself having this conversation with any other person in the world. Eventually, Okaasan smiled knowingly.

"That's the beauty of relationships, Yusuke." She said. "Tell me, how was your relationship with Keiko?"

"Like opposites attracting," I muttered. "But we argued...everyday over everything. She and I were _too_ different and I realized that before she did."

"So you have doubts? Big deal, everyone person goes through that." She leaned forward. "You know what your problem is, Yusuke? You bring problems from your old relationship into your new one. You never completely severed ties with Keiko. When you didn't do that, unnecessary chaos and drama was inevitable." When I didn't answer her, she spoke again. "But when you had Botan, were things that bad?"

I looked at her. "I don't know." I answered truthfully. My eyes went downcast. "She left me before I could find out."

"Then what are you waiting for?" She inquired. "Go after her."

"It's not that simple." I stood up and headed towards the front door. "Things are not that simple."

"Where are you going, Yusuke?" Okaasan called. The legs of the chair scraped the floor as she stood up.

"Just to take a walk." I replied.

"Do you mind if I talk to you first?"

I stopped walking and I saw my mother step out of the kitchen to join me. We glanced at each other before we turned our attention to the living room where Koenma sat, dressed in regular clothing and the pacifier gone. I frowned to myself. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. And just like that, my slightly elevated mood came crashing down. The more I looked at him, the more I couldn't help but think about what he'd said the last time we talked.

"Is this a friend of yours, Yusuke?" Mother asked.

My eyes narrowed. "Something like that." I murmured softly.

I watched her bow slightly. "Good afternoon, I don't think you and I have met. My name is Atsuko."

Koenma smiled while standing up. "No, we haven't formally met. My name is Koenma." And to my mother's surprise and my annoyance, politely took her hand and kissed it. "Yusuke talks about you all the time."

"Oh really?" She seemed very pleased about that. She laughed a little. "Well, I hope it's all good things. Or else..." She ruffled my slicked-back hair until all my bangs fell in front of my eyes. "Would you like something to eat? Drink?"

The Reikai prince shook his head. "No, thank you. I was just dropping by. I shouldn't be staying long."

"If you change your mind, Yusuke's here." Okaasan stood up on her toes and kissed my cheek. "Stop by for dinner, I'm ordering pizza." And then she was gone with the slam of the front door.

Koenma turned to face me, his smile gone. "How are you?"

I ignored his question. "You really have some nerve, coming in here unannounced like that. Oh, and just to let you know, I'm not doing any more of your stupid cases, Koenma."

His eyebrow rose. "But I always come unannounced, that's my style. I thought you would have gotten used to it by now. It's been five years." When I didn't respond, he continued. "So, what are you saying? Are you quitting?"

"Yeah, I think I am."

Koenma sighed impatiently, in a way that made me feel somehow inferior to him. "Why do you always insist on being so immature?"

"And why do you always have to be such an asshole!" I countered, barely controlling my anger. "It's been three weeks, Koenma! Three weeks! Why won't you bring her back! I know you can!"

"I hate to break it to you, Yusuke, but the world doesn't revolve around you."

"But it wasn't fair."

Koenma held my gaze for a moment before he pointed towards the window. "One hour ago a little girl lost her mother when she was hit and killed instantly by a drunk driver. Do you think that's fair? Ten minutes ago a boy watched his older brother die from a stray bullet from a nearby robbery. Do you think that's fair? And tomorrow, a husband will lose his wife of five years to cancer. Do you think that's fair, Yusuke?" When I didn't reply, Koenma continued. "This is what life and death is. Everyone, everyday, loses a loved one and they eventually move on with their lives. People are born, they live, they eventually die. That's how the endless waltz goes.

"Besides, you oversimplify everything. I can't just bring Botan back with the snap of my fingers. It's a pretty hard process." He was quiet for a moment. "And I know it's hard for you, but try _not_ to be selfish and think of this: haven't you ever thought that maybe she doesn't want to come back? Maybe she's happier now, wherever she is."

My eyes went a little wide. "Wait, you don't know where she is?"

"Yes and no." Koenma answered. "Botan was the first deity to die. So, she kind of caused a little confusion for us. She's in spirit world but Reikai is a really big place. She could be anywhere."

I stared at him for a few tense moments before I spoke again. "Then what do you want? The demon's dead. Kurama's okay again. Ningenkai is safe. What do you want from me?"

"Just to see how you're doing." He replied. "After the fight, you locked yourself away from everyone else except your mother."

"Gee, I wonder why?" I questioned sarcastically.

"How's Kurama?"

"I don't know. No one's seen him. You should ask Hiei."

"I already did. He doesn't seem to know either."

"Then I can't help you-"

"Was it painful, Yusuke?" Koenma asked, his voice very low but curious. "The way she died."

Despite myself, I suddenly laughed. But it was bitter. "How can you ask me that?" I demanded. "Besides, weren't you watching?"

"I watched the fight. I stopped after Botan stepped in the way of Kurama's attack."

I could still hear her gasping and...the blood. "Yeah, it was painful." I took a few steps towards him. I wanted him to feel guilty, I wanted someone else to blame besides myself. "She was gagging and gasping. She couldn't breathe, Koenma. She started coughing up blood and stuttering and I just sat there and watched because she wanted me to stay." I got in front of him, silently challenging him.

"I've never been a big fan of death." Koenma confessed after a moment, commenting more to himself than to me. "It comes to a point that the thought of it doesn't phase you anymore. I guess it didn't bother her either."

"Death bothered her." I corrected him. "She just kept it hidden really well from you."

Koenma's eyes flickered when he finally stared at me. "You think you knew her better?" He asked. His voice was neutral but to me, he sounded offended.

I never answered his inquiry. "Why did you say she's foolish?"

"Because she was and you just used present tense. I already explained this to you, remember Yusuke?" He responded. Finally, he headed towards the front door. "Anyway, it's good to see that you haven't tried anything stupid. Suicides are always the worst." He wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Very messy, you know."

"Wait," I called. Koenma turned around, gazing at me expectantly. "There...was something Botan said that bothers me."

"What is it?"

"She said she'd never died before."

"I already told you, Yusuke. She was the first-"

"I know that." I snapped. "But I thought the only way for human girls to become deities was to die. Why did she say it was her first time? Why is she the exception?"

Koenma continued to stare at me for what seemed like forever. Then he turned around and opened the front door. "I'll see you later, Yusuke."

"You never answered my question!"

He didn't spare me a glance as he walked away. "Because you never answered mine."

-

It was raining. But then again, it's been raining for the past week. I had finally ventured out of my home but I had no idea where to go. I wasn't supposed to be at my mother's for another four hours and there was no way I was going to visit Kuwabara or anyone else. I just wanted to be left alone but not in my apartment. Staying there for so long was like living in a tomb. So, after an hour of wandering the streets, I ended up on top of my school's roof, attempting and failing to light a cigarette. My clothes were drenched and my skin was chilled to the bone but I couldn't feel it.

I don't know how long I stayed out there, lost in reveries about a certain girl with blue hair. But I was still there when the rain began to pound harder and a clasp of thunder sounded around me while the final dismissal bell rang. I glanced downwards, at the spot a few feet away from the roof's door. And I couldn't help it, I smiled a little. I first kissed Botan right there. In the rain, her fingers combing through my hair, her body leaning against mine-

"Are you thinking about our first kiss, too?"

I glanced behind me to see Botan grinning fondly in my direction. Dressed in her school uniform and a pink umbrella in her hand. I already knew I was dreaming but I couldn't help but get caught up in it. I just wondered when I had fallen asleep and not realized it.

"Yes," I finally answered.

"I wasn't expecting it, honestly. The kiss and all." She continued. Her grin became a dreamy smile. "But it was nice. No, more than nice. Feels like it all happened yesterday." Botan glanced down at my hands and gave me a look of disgust as she snatched up my cigarettes. "I'm forbidding you from having these, Yusuke! They'll kill you!"

I chuckled. "Death wouldn't be so bad compared to this."

Her eyes widened before she felt my forehead. "Yusuke, you've been acting strange lately. Are you all right? You're not sick are you?"

"No, I'm just sad."

Botan's voice was heavy with concern. "Why?" She wrapped her arms around me, disregarding that fact that I was completely wet. "Did I do something? If I did, I'm really sorry." She shyly kissed my cheek. "I can make it up to you and-"

"I miss you,"

She smiled, grasping my hand. She leaned her forehead against my cheek. "I'm right here, Yusuke." Botan hugged me again. "I never left you."

"Yusuke, wake up." This time it was Keiko, gently shaking my shoulders. Her expression was filled with worry. "How long have you been out here?"

I opened my eyes and realized I was on my back, staring into Keiko's brown eyes, looking up at her red umbrella. "I don't know. At least an hour." My chest tightened when my thoughts drifted back to my dream. They always felt so real.

"You'll catch your death out here."

For once, her voice wasn't scolding and fussing. Her smile looked just as exhausted as I felt.

"How did you know I was up here?"

"You kind of gave yourself away." She replied. "I saw someone up here and I knew it was you." Keiko was quiet for several moments before she spoke again. "I know you've probably heard this a million times but, are you all right?"

"No," I answered.

"I thought so." She sighed. "You've missed so much school but you still have time to make up all the work. I can help you."

I snorted. "School is the last thing on my mind, Keiko."

Her eyes dropped low, to my hands, noticing my lighter and my soggy cigarette. "That stuff will kill you one day."

"I know, Botan said the same thing." I saw Keiko's hand ball up tight at the mention of Botan's name and I chuckled. "Look what she's done to me, Keiko. I can't smoke, can't drink, can't do anything anymore because of her." Out of frustration, I threw the lighter and the cigarette over the rooftop, just another habit broken.

"She had that kind of affect on the people she adored." Keiko stated. "You know, I know this is silly and random but she and I talked about weddings one time-"

I groaned aloud. "Keiko, I don't think this is the time-"

"Just listen!" She snapped abruptly, irritably. Her voice became quiet again. "Just listen because I need you to." I stared at her for a second before I nodded. She cleared her throat and started once more. "Like I was saying, Botan and I were talking about weddings one time. I mean, we did everything. We picked out our dresses, our bridesmaids' dresses, the flowers, the food, our hairstyles and anything else we could think of.

"I was the more conservative type, you know? I wanted a small, quiet wedding, a little reception, and maybe a short honeymoon. No one but close friends and family would be invited. But she wanted everything big and loud and wild but still elegant. Botan had said she would invite everyone to her wedding. Even people she had met only once." Keiko gazed into her lap. "Falling in love...was such a big thing for her. She wanted to announce it to the world that someday, some person would capture her heart.

"And I said to her, whoever does will be the luckiest person in the world. I don't know why, even though we'd known each other for years, there was something about her. There were things I still did not know about her. But what I do know is that she never took anything for granted. She always appreciated everything and everyone everyday. So when Botan did fall in love, I felt...threatened and scared. Part of me knew that you and I wouldn't last but I was too afraid of admitting it. It was like she had wooed you without even trying." She shook her head. "I know I was childish but I wanted to be her, Yusuke. Have that innocence, that blithe, her unattainable beauty." Keiko glanced towards the gray sky.

I was quiet for a moment. Then, "Why didn't you ever tell her?"

She laughed. "Because I could never tell her. But I guess, telling the truth is always like a big relief." She pressed a finger to her lips. "You can't tell her I told you this. If she ever found out, she'd think I was ridiculous."

I frowned slightly. "You act as if she's coming back."

"And why wouldn't she be, Yusuke?"

"Because Koenma doesn't want her to come back." I pounded my hands against my legs, my anger returning. "You should have seen him, Keiko. He acted so cold, like he didn't give a crap if Botan died or not. He said that she was careless but that shouldn't have mattered. She was brave. I'm still so angry at her for doing it. But at the same time, I can't help but-"

"Admire her." Keiko finished for me, completely understanding. She paused for a second. "As for Koenma, have you ever seen the way he looks at Botan whenever no one is around?" When I shook my head, she continued. "At first I thought it could have been slight infatuation but then I realized it wasn't. I don't really know Koenma well but he definitely seems like the aloof type when it comes to expressing his emotions. However, when he looks at Botan, you can see it. He loves her like a little sister."

"But you weren't there when he said that-"

"When you're angry, it's amazing what you can say and do. Remember us? We said some terrible things to each other when we were upset. But we never meant them, we were just...caught up in our emotions. That's what makes us human, Yusuke. We make mistakes. So when Koenma saw Botan dead in your arms like that, he couldn't fathom why she had been so willing to sacrifice everything over something like love. He's a believer but, to him, love is fleeting. He was just angry with her." She smiled sympathetically. "It's really simple if you think about it. Older brothers always want to protect their little sisters from all the evils of the world." Keiko glanced at me. "All right, your turn."

"My turn? What do you mean?"

"I told a story. Now, it's your turn."

"I don't want to."

"Come on, Yusuke." She urged gently. "Talking always helps, I promise. Do you think when you first died, I kept it all bottled up forever?"

My curiosity was roused. "Who did you talk to?"

She waved her hand dismissively. "Another story for another time, Yusuke."

I stayed silent for a long time, listening to the rain pound against Keiko's umbrella. "I dream about her. Every night."

"And what are your dreams about?"

"I can't even call them dreams. It's more like lucid dreaming." I answered. "I already know she's dead and every time I tell her that this moment, her, and everything is a dream, she tells me it's not. And I have no choice but to believe her until I wake up." I was quiet for a moment. "Koenma said that there is a chance that, wherever Botan is in Reikai, she could be happier there than she was here. But I don't care. I was always selfish when it came to her. And the possibility of not having her to myself...I would never let it cross my mind until now."

"So you're afraid that it will actually happen?" Keiko asked. "That she would stay in Reikai forever?" When I didn't reply, she ventured on. "She would at least visit, wouldn't she?"

"No. I can't see her again, Koenma made sure of it."

I looked away when Keiko smiled sadly. "Why are you being so pessimistic?"

"I'm just being realistic."

Keiko suddenly touched my cheek and wiped away the raindrops. "You look like you're crying." She murmured. I licked my lips, tasting sweet rainwater and salt from tears but I didn't say anything. She dropped her umbrella, took her free hands, and wrapped them around my shoulders, hugging me.

"I just need some reassurance." Keiko muttered. "I'm sorry for being so girly." But I knew she was lying for my sake. I was the one who needed it.

I was stiff in her embrace for just a few seconds before I gave in and grasped her arm in my hand. "I miss her." I confessed.

Keiko was crying now, she never hid it when she did. She was one of the few who was never ashamed of weeping. "I know you do." Her voice was steady. "I do, too." We were quiet for several minutes before I abruptly pulled away from her, sneezing violently. She blinked before laughing. "Aww, you've caught a cold."

I sniffled. "Fantastic," I muttered. I could feel the beginnings of a pounding headache coming on.

Keiko grabbed her umbrella. She extended her hand. "Let's go to my house, Yusuke. I'll make you some hot chocolate. You'll feel better."

I didn't bother to take her hand as I stood up. "I doubt it."

She found my fingers and squeezed them and I suddenly understood what she meant. "You will," She promised and I believed her.

-

"What the hell were doing out in the rain, Yusuke?" Mother asked as she slapped her hand against my forehead, feeling for a fever. She plopped down beside me on the couch. "And it was raining so hard outside today. I can't believe you! Are you trying to kill yourself from sickness?"

"Maybe," I responded. When I caught the quick but worried look in my mother's eyes, I sighed. "It's just a cold, Okaasan." I muttered.

"You're a little warm." She murmured. "I'm going to go get you that medicine." She moved away from me and towards the kitchen.

"No way!" I suddenly exclaimed. "That stuff tastes like crap!" Quickly, I stood up but a swift wave of dizziness washed over me. I stumbled before I landed on the couch. Maybe this cold was worse than I thought. Mother was already back by my side, helping me up.

"Don't move." She instructed. "And think logically about this, Yusuke. If you want this cold to go away as quickly as possible, you'll take the medicine." She frowned to herself. "I ordered the pizza too. But since you're sick, you'll just have to have some soup and tea instead."

I shook my head. "I don't like soup. Just one slice of pizza and I'll take all the medicine you want me to until I overdose."

Her eyes grew hard; so was the hand that struck the back of my head. "Urameshi Yusuke!" Her cheeks flushed red with anger. "Why do you-!" But she never got to finish, to my relief. The doorbell had rung. Mother looked towards the door, her fury gone as quickly as it came. "I wonder who that could be?" She stood and walked the short distance to the door. I collapsed on the couch again, ready to fall asleep when I heard Okassan's yelp of delight. I opened a weary eye to see her right in front of my face. "Someone's here to see you, Yusuke."

"Urameshi,"

I turned around. "Kuwabara? What are you doing here?"

Mother glanced at her watch. "Oh, look at the time. I think I should go hit the town!"

I gave her a confused look before realization hit me in the face. "You set this up!" I yelled. "I told you I didn't want to see anyone!"

Mother seemed to have not heard me or chose to ignore me as she walked to the closet to retrieve her coat. "Yusuke, if you need anything, just tell Kazuma. He'll take good care of you." She turned her attention to Kuwabara. "Thank you so much for coming, Yusuke's been very lonely."

"No, I haven't!" I barked.

"No problem, Urameshi-san."

Okaasan laughed. "No need for formalities, Kazuma. Just call me Atsuko. I'm not that old, am I?"

"Yes, you are!" I yelled. I received a heated glare from her.

"Of course you're not." Kuwabara assured her. "I swear, the first time I saw you, I thought you were Yusuke's sister."

"You're full of it, Kuwabara!"

Mother giggled. "Oh, you're too much, Kazuma. Thank you. Oh, before I forget. The pizza should be here in about ten minutes. I left the money on the counter. Yusuke's medicine should be on the counter too and I left emergency numbers by the phone."

"I don't need a babysitter, Mom!"

"Bye, Kazuma! Bye, Yusuke!" And she was gone.

Kuwabara turned to face me, the polite smile gone from his face. "Urameshi,"

My eyes narrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to visit." He responded. "Your mother and Keiko strongly recommended."

I rolled my eyes. "Why can't those two ever mind their own business?" I scowled. "They need boyfriends or something."

"Maybe they care about you a little too much." He snapped. Kuwabara walked over before seating himself on the couch. "Look at you, Urameshi. Locking yourself away in your apartment. Talking to no one. I was really tempted to come over here and beat you up."

I looked at him for a moment before I burst into laughter. That's one thing about Kuwabara, he can always make you laugh. "You have to be kidding?" I said between gasps. "You? Beat me up?" I smirked as my laughter died down. "Even if I was on my deathbed, Kuwabara, I could still kick your ass."

He wasn't laughing. "That may be so." He commented. "But at least I'm not a coward."

My smile quickly fell. "What are you...?" Then I frowned, realizing what he meant. "I don't need this from you. I've already heard it enough from Keiko and my mother. So do me a favor and get the hell out."

But Kuwabara made no move to do so. "Almost three weeks of sulking. I don't know how you can take it. I know I couldn't."

"It's called mourning, Kuwabara."

"I know what it's called, Urameshi." He replied. "I bet if Botan was here right now-"

"Well she's not so shut up."

"-She'd really let you have it." He finished, pretending he had not been interrupted.

"Stop talking like you knew her so well."

"Urameshi," When I looked up I was treated to another punch to my head. Damn, that was the fifth one today. Why does everyone like hitting me? "Don't act like that. You weren't the only one who knew her. We did too. Besides, you didn't start paying attention to Botan until things between you and Keiko got a little rough."

"That's not true." I felt my cheeks get warm. "When I first saw Botan, I...knew she was attractive."

"Yeah, yeah. But eventually, _everyone_ knew that you guys had a thing for each other after things were sort of over with you and Keiko. You wouldn't even admit it to yourself."

I scoffed. "Didn't know you were smart enough to put it together. But then again, I take that back. Who told you?"

"No one told me. I had my suspicions and my sister confirmed them for me after she talked to Botan that night during your birthday party." He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "You know, you made Botan really upset with the way you were acting, running back and forth from her to Keiko. Personally, I think it made you look pathetic."

"I was drunk, Kuwabara. I can barely remember what I did that night."

Kuwabara grinned mischievously. "Oh, then let me refresh your memory." He cleared his throat and I groaned softly. "After Keiko arrived at your party, you ditched Botan on the dance floor. Botan went to the deck, where she started talking to Shizuru for a while. Then after conversing with Keiko and several bottles of beer later, she gave you her gift." He chuckled. "Now, here's the funny part: after Keiko gave you her gift, you tried to kiss her and she slyly dodged your advances knowing full well that Botan was five feet away and-"

"All right, I get it." I ground out. "You can stop."

However, Kuwabara had no intention of doing so. "I don't blame Botan for running off with Kurama like that. I mean, with you being such a total jackass and leading Botan on and on and..."

I tuned Kuwabara out as he ranted on. Okay, I take back what I said about being drunk. Obviously, I wasn't. I still can remember everything. But I don't have a better explanation for why I acted the way I did that night. I know it's completely ridiculous but maybe I just wanted to see Botan get a little jealous. I mean, what guy doesn't feel his ego go up a little when a girl he's interested in gets jealous when he starts hanging around another girl? Selfish? Yes. And it completely backfired on me. I wasn't too happy when I found out she had ditched my party and spent the rest of the night with Kurama. Talk about bad karma.

When I still heard Kuwabara talking, I interrupted. "Are you finished?" I demanded.

"Yeah, just about."

"Then take me up on my offer and get out. Can't you see I'm sick?"

"Can't do that, I promised your mother I would keep you company until she came back."

"You don't know my mother." I frowned. "When she decides to go 'hit the town,' it's normal for me not to hear from her for about a day or so. She won't be back until tomorrow afternoon."

"Then I guess I'll be here for a while." Kuwabara beamed and my frown deepened.

"I'm so lucky." I murmured before I suddenly sneezed violently. "Stupid cold."

Later that night, I ended up dreaming again. Dreaming about my birthday party. Everything was the same except for a few things. Botan had never run off with Kurama, I had never left her for Keiko, and everything was right. We were dancing slow, swaying back and forth to the rhythm of a song.

Now that I think about it, I know my biggest fear was forgetting about her. I'm afraid I'll forget what Botan feels like when I hold her, or how her eyes light up when she smiles, or how she runs her fingers through my hair until my bangs fall. I'm always afraid that I won't remember her.

"This is a dream." I murmured against her.

Her face was buried in the crook of my neck. I could feel her lips curl. She misunderstood my meaning. "Yeah, it does feel like a dream. I always feel that way when I am with you. Did you know that?"

It was inevitable I was going to wake up and lose her like I did every night. So instead, I didn't say anything and I held her tighter to me as we danced. And it felt like forever before I pulled away from Botan to look into her eyes.

"I miss you." I know I said it every night but I had to. I needed to her to somehow know. Everyday, every minute, every second I missed her. And I knew what she would always say.

Botan giggled. "You're so silly, Yusuke." Her hand touched my chest, resting above my heart. "I'm right here."

"No, you're not." I persisted. "If you were, you'd be alive. I...would have saved you." My vision blurred over as a very familiar burning came to my eyes. No, not again, not again.

"Yusuke, I was never dead. See?" She took my hand and pressed it against her cheek. Her free hand came to rest on top of mine. "Everything is fine, nothing's wrong-"

"I love you."

Botan's eyes widened slightly before she eventually sighed in relief. "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that." She threw her arms around me. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I-"

I woke up with a start, my heading pounding in pain and my heart hammering against my chest. I glanced down and was able to make out Kuwabara's sleeping figure in the darkness. After I caught my breath, I laid back down and focused my eyes on the ceiling. I had lost count of how many times I had dreamt about Botan. But these dreams weren't bad compared to the ones at the beginning. At first, all I would dream about was her death, her blood everywhere. Now, even though these dreams were bliss compared to the nightmares, it was like being unable to touch what I really wanted. No matter how many times I showed her my love, my remorse, my longing, I knew Botan was dead and I couldn't get her back.

I felt my eyes burn for a moment and I slapped a hand against my eyes. "I'm sorry, Botan."

-

"I'm actually very surprised, Yusuke." Keiko said. "I thought it would come to the point I'd have to drag you to school."

"Yeah, I thought it was about time I graced the class with my presence." I replied. "Besides, we're almost done with high school. I never thought we'd get here. But we're here." When I glanced down, she was smiling brightly. "What are you so cheery about?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. Just glad to see you up and about. The last time I saw you, that cold looked really bad."

"It was bad. I'm still suffering a little."

"Hmm," Keiko stepped towards the roof's wired gate, looking down at all the other students in the courtyard. "You know, I was thinking of staying in Japan instead of studying abroad. I think I might get a little too homesick from being so far away from home." She glanced at me before her eyes went to the sky. "What do you think?"

"Do whatever you want. I can't really stop you from leaving, can I?" When I looked at her again, Keiko was frowning.

"Would you miss me if I did leave?"

I scoffed. "That's a stupid question." I snapped. When she turned to me again, I smiled. "You should already know the answer to that."

Instead of returning my gesture, her frown deepened. "The bell's about to ring. You're not coming back to class, are you Yusuke?"

"How'd you know?"

"I always know, a girl's intuition." Eventually she did smile, but her gaze had drifted to my hand. Or rather, what was in it. "You've been carrying that journal with you for the past few days. I didn't know you liked to write."

I gripped at the journal tighter, suddenly protective. "I don't and I've had it for a while."

"Really?" Keiko's smile grew wider. She held out her hand. "May I see?"

"No,"

She approached me. "Please? Yusuke?" When I stepped back, she stepped forward. Then she pounced.

I struggled but she was too fast and too determined. "Oi! Let me go! I said no!"

Keiko snatched it up quickly from my fingers with a triumphant laugh. "Just a little peek, Yusuke." She opened the journal and began to read the first page. "Happy Birthday, Yusuke. I know boys usually don't like journals but..." And she trailed off as she began to read to herself. It wasn't long before her eyes widened and she looked up at me. Keiko suddenly shut the book before she handed it back to me. "Gomen nasai. I didn't know."

I merely shrugged. "Someone was bound to find out. I guess it might as well be you, Keiko." I laughed and she frowned. "Don't look at me like that, it's not that big of a deal." My eyes wandered to the journal in my hands. "Last week, I was actually cleaning my apartment and I stumbled upon it. I had no idea who it belonged to. At first, I thought it was yours but you're so careful with your stuff and this," I shook the journal for emphasis. "Was falling apart at the bindings. I...completely forgot Botan gave it to me as a present." I smiled sheepishly. "Now that I think about it, I even remember throwing it against the wall because I was so angry she took off with Kurama that night. Cruel of me, wasn't it?"

Keiko stepped forward, her hand extended. "Yusuke-"

The bell ringing cut her off.

She gave me a pleading look. "Come back to class with me."

"Not now," I answered. "Maybe later. But you'd better get to class. Don't ruin your perfect record because of me."

I knew Keiko wanted to say more but I turned away from her and didn't look back until I heard the roof's door slam shut. Alone at last. I hadn't been by myself for the past week. My mother, Keiko, and Kuwabara had taken it upon themselves to take shifts in order to look after me. To make sure, like Koenma said, I didn't do anything stupid. Believe me, I am appreciative of all the attention but it's come to the point that it's just down right annoying. All I wanted was some time to think.

I glanced up at the sky, blue and cloudless, hoping I would catch a glimpse of Botan's oar or hear her laugh. I still wanted to be mad with Koenma but I couldn't bring myself to be anymore, I was so tired. But I had come to one decision. If he didn't want to bring her back then I wouldn't be a spirit detective. Childish? Yes, but at this point, I couldn't have cared less. I wanted to see her again. Right now, I'm on the brink of going to Reikai, getting on my hands and knees, and begging Koenma for just a few minutes with her.

I don't know how long I stayed out there but it felt like hours before a breeze suddenly picked up and I sighed. I looked up at the sky again. "Why won't you bring her back?

"You know how Koenma works, Detective. But as of late...he has been acting peculiar."

I didn't bother to turn around. I smiled. "I know, tell me about it. But what are you doing here, Hiei? After everyone stopped looking for you?"

Hiei slowly approached before he was standing by my side at the gate. He didn't answer my question but got right to the point. "I've heard some things you might be interested in knowing."

I turned to look at him. "What is it?"

"Apparently Koenma's been keeping secrets from you."

I snorted. "That's nothing special. I always knew that he keeps information from me."

"Even still, go to Reikai. You might be surprised at what you find."

I felt my curiosity coming to the surface. "What is it? Tell me."

"Just go to Reikai and see for yourself, Yusuke." Hiei replied instead. He leapt up, landing on top of the gate with ease.

Before I could demand for more information. Hiei was already gone. I thought for a moment, wondering what could possibly be so important that Hiei would personally come and tell me. My eyes narrowed slightly, unable to come a conclusion. But there was at least one thing I had learned from all the years of being a spirit detective and I was finally going to put it to good use.

-

I don't know why it took me so long to put everything together. Koenma's attitude should have been my biggest lead but sometimes, it was too hard to tell with him. Koenma, I personally believed, like to be difficult to understand. However, it was no excuse for not solving this little mystery sooner. Getting into Reikai unnoticed was the easy part, getting into Koenma's office was another thing. But I came late into the night, when the Reikai palace wasn't so busy and most of the halls were deserted.

Like I had hoped, Koenma was still in his office, scribbling furiously away on a piece of paper. He was in his older from, pacifier missing. It was a newly developed habit of his. Koenma retreated back less and less to his original form. I was aware he always enjoyed hiding himself but I couldn't explain this. Irrelevant information but still something.

I stood outside his office doors, careful to control my breathing and movements. I was there for about a good half hour but nothing out of the ordinary was happening. and I was ready to leave. But then again, Hiei was not the type to send anyone on a wild goose chase unless-

"Koenma-sama,"

I reacted first before my brain could catch up with me. I forgot how to breathe, my knees buckled slightly. And there was Botan, standing near a corner with a frown on her lips. My first thought was to run in there and literally tackle her, scream to everyone in hearing distance that she was alive and well, and tell her how much I missed her. But that was my irrational side talking, my rational side was reeling with new questions. Koenma was lying? Why was Botan here? Was anyone going to eventually tell me about this?

I watched as Koenma glanced up, going back to his paperwork a second later. "Yes, Botan?"

"I've completed my duties for the night. All the souls I were assigned have been collected and guided to their proper place. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

I felt myself frowning. Why was her voice so...dead? Not the greatest choice in words but it was the only way I could describe it.

"No, that will be all." Koenma sighed. "It's late, Botan. Why don't you turn in?"

Botan bowed deeply. "Of course, Koenma-sama. Goodnight."

I took a step back as she approached the doors. This was it. I only had a few choices but I had already made my decision before I realized it. I moved forward and pushed the doors open just as Botan was about to reach for them. She looked at me and her eyes widened and from there, it was hard to name the emotions chasing each other across her face. Her hand came to her mouth.

"Yusuke,"

I could see Koenma had not bothering to look up until he had finished his paperwork. But eventually he was standing and approaching us. "Yusuke, I was wondering when you'd arrive."

"How did you know I was coming?"

He smiled lazily. "Hiei stopped by this afternoon, accidentally saw her," He nodded towards Botan. "And I knew he'd tell you. It was only a matter of time."

I focused my attention on Botan. "How long have you been alive?"

She looked away from me. "Yusuke..."

"How long?" My voice was echoing, my anger barely controlled.

"Koenma-sama, he..." Botan trailed off for a second, glancing back at Koenma. She started again. "He brought me back to life a few hours after Kurama killed me." She attempted to smile. "But it doesn't matter, Yusuke. The whole thing...it was complicated and-"

I stepped in front her, my hands clenching. "You lied to me, Koenma."

"Whatever you're thinking of doing, I wouldn't try it." Koenma replied smoothly, coldly.

Even though I wasn't looking, I knew Botan was nearing me. "Please, Yusuke. It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter?" I repeated. I suddenly felt so numb and I realized I was shaking. But I didn't know if it was from anger or something else. I had to be dreaming. I had to be. I faced Botan again, my fury reaching its peak. "I begged Koenma, Botan! I pleaded with him for weeks to bring you back because I thought what happened to you wasn't fair! But I bet you thought it was funny, right? I bet you two were laughing your asses off in Reikai. Did you think it was funny? Seeing me like that?"

Botan was quiet for a moment as her eyes widened in horror. They eventually began to water and it was so strange how I took satisfaction in her sadness.

"No," She shook her head vigorously, pleading with me. "You don't understand, it wasn't like that." She gripped at my hand. "You don't know how many times I wanted to come back and tell you I was all right. But Koenma-sama..." Botan didn't finish.

"Then why didn't you?" She was looking at the floor and I felt my free hand tremble. I wanted to touch her face.

"Because...I have to decide." Botan finally answered, her voice firm. "Koenma-sama said that it's not fair for me to have the best of both worlds, Yusuke. He thought it would be appropriate if I stayed in Reikai until I made decision. But he and I knew that I was eventually going to run off to find you."

"Who did you choose?" I asked gently.

She closed her eyes for a moment and I watched as tears streamed down her face. "Yusuke-"

"Don't be surprise if she decides to stay in Reikai, Yusuke." Koenma piped up. "Until recently, I believe you truly haven't appreciated this girl's presence in your life. No one had. You claim to know Botan better than me? I highly doubt that. I've known Botan for well over a millennia and I could never understand why you or anyone else never took her seriously." He sounded a little mocking now, but that could have just been my imagination. "Botan has always been flawless at hiding her true emotions behind her smile." Koenma took a step forward, "Really think about, Yusuke? Why should she choose you?"

I was silent for several moments before my I grinned bitterly. "You're right." I agreed. "Why should you choose me, Botan? Over immortality? Over everything you have here? Over Koenma?"

Botan wiped at her face roughly, her lips curving into a frown. "I wouldn't have had immortality or Reikai or this life if it wasn't for you, Koenma!" Her eyes narrowed. "You never gave me the chance to choose the life I wanted. You took that away from me and now, you owe me. It's only fair."

"Botan," Koenma murmured softly. "You know I would never keep you from what you really want. But think about this. What if you regret your decision five years, ten years from now? Love is so unpredictable, so fickle. It's a waste of time for people like us."

Botan visibly calmed down. She sighed deeply. "Yes, love is unpredictable. Because of it, I have experienced anger, jealousy, sadness and so much more. But the thing is," She smiled. "It makes me _feel_ human, And that's what makes me happy."

"Botan-"

"Let me go, Koenma-sama." She urged him gently, "Please...let me live."

The Reikai prince scrutinized her for several, long moments before he turned away without a word. And I knew it would be a long time before I saw Koenma again as Botan took my hand and lead me away from his office and away from Reikai.

-

It took a full month for all the effects to become noticeable. But I knew Botan felt it from the moment she left Reikai and knew she was not coming back. Later on, she would confess to me that she missed her oar the most. The ability to fly, the clouds, the endless blue skies.

During that month, Botan and I readjusted. She was a human now with absolutely nothing. She'd politely refused to live anywhere else except in my apartment to avoid being a burden to anyone. At the beginning, we barely talked. But we both knew we couldn't avoid each other forever. At least Keiko, Kuwabara, and my mother made sure we didn't. However, Botan was the one who officially put an end to our silent treatment. A few unexpected kisses from her and I was done.

Now, about two months since Botan's death, and one month since she left Reikai, we're spiraled on the sofa, shrouded in darkness, enjoying each other's company. Which, I might add, we've been doing a lot of. Every few minutes, I would comb my fingers through her hair, just to make sure she was really there, that I was not dreaming again. Botan found my free hand and took hold of it, bringing it up to her lips and kissing it.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you." I could hear myself say.

"What is it?" She shifted her head slightly, letting her face rest in the crook of my neck.

I shivered when she exhaled. "It's obvious how you became a ferry girl. But...what did Koenma do exactly?"

She moved slightly and sighed. "When I was a little girl I wandered into a meadow by myself. That's where I saw Koenma for the first time. I don't think he meant for me to catch him, he must have not realized I had a significant amount of spirit energy. From then on, I met him there everyday for several years until I was fourteen. In a way, Koenma-sama had convinced me that my life as a human was nothing compared to the benefits of being a ferry girl, being immortality.

"I fell for it without much thought. The things he told me were just too tempting. Then it happened, I became the first Deity of Death under his authority. Before me, I think he used to do the soul collecting himself. But there were problems. For one, all people, ferry girls included, are supposed to die of natural causes. Koenma broke this rule and would have faced a severe punishment for it. But no one ever found out, it remained a secret between us. But I guess deep down, Koenma-sama knew I would want to leave Reikai someday. He knew he would have to let me go without a choice."

"So...how did he-"

"He didn't really kill me, if that's what you're thinking." Botan interrupted. "All Koenma-sama did was touch me on my cheek and he took my soul and...then I died. I'll admit, my actual death is not as interesting or climatic as some of the other ferry girls' deaths but in my file, it claims I died by accidentally slipping off a cliff." I felt her shrug her shoulders against me. "Oh well."

"So...no regrets?"

Botan lifted her head to meet my gaze. She smiled. "Absolutely not." She blushed deeply. "You know how I feel. How I've felt for years." She leaned her head against my shoulder again, running her fingers against my arm. "I love you."

I couldn't help myself, I smirked. "Same here." My reward was a slap on the chest. "I'm only joking-"

"Then say it." Botan suddenly demanded, but her voice remained soft. "I've been patient enough, haven't I?"

"Yes..."

She stared into my eyes again and sighed once more, defeated. "You're lucky I understand you and can be even more patient." She found my hand again. "If you can't say those three little words just yet. At least...at least promise me always. Just say always." Botan squeezed my hand.

I wrapped an arm around her waist, my mind quickly going back to the awkward beginnings of our relationship and toward its end. An end that led to us both laying on a couch in each other's arms. We knew that these simple, meaningful moments were just enough, they made everything worthwhile. But to say that this was the end was wrong. We had just officially become couple a month ago but we had already been through so much ordeals together to last us a couple of years. In other words, we knew each other, we had found our equal ground. It was proven when Botan knew that I didn't need to say 'I love you' to show her that I do love her. That, plus the little macho thing I have...

I hugged her to me and sighed. There was no word that could describe how I felt right now. Happiness was probably the closest thing. I smiled and finally whispered in Botan's ear, "Always,"

Author's Notes: Yay! It's finished! I didn't want to end the story too romantically. I wanted just enough to keep everyone, hopefully, satisfied. And I think it fits better than too many declarations of love. Anyway, like I said before, it was a blast writing this story. Thank you to all who waited so faithfully. No matter how long I take to update, I NEVER leave a story unfinished. Now for being so patient with me, I have a little something to share with y'all. It may not be out for a while, but keep your eyes open for another Yu Yu Hakusho fic, written by yours truly, featuring what other couple but Yusuke/Botan. But here's a generalization.

How To Woo A Woman

AU, Romance, Humor, Angst, and bit of Drama

Yusuke/Botan, implied to slight Kurama/Botan

Short Summary: A puzzling, entangling tale of an unlikely trio with strange beginnings and extraordinary results that will leave you wondering, who is really seducing who?

Long Summary: Meet Yusuke Urameshi. A regular teenage boy with his mind set on one thing: a certain blue haired woman. She has everything any boy his age would appreciate: boldness, spontaneity, mystery, not to mention seven more years worth in _experience._ Without warning, he meets her and she seduces him into her world and there, potential romance blossoms. As hard as Yusuke tries and wants to deny it, he is falling for Botan. Quickly and hard. But there are a few problems. One of them being Kurama, Botan's supposedly ex-lover. So how can anyone explain their accidental meetings and suspicious escapades? Kurama is aware of Botan's involvement with Yusuke and is quietly and slyly plotting to end it. By any means he sees necessary.

Meet Yusuke Urameshi. A regular teenage boy with his mind set on one thing: a certain blue haired woman. She has everything any boy his age would appreciate: boldness, spontaneity, mystery, not to mention seven more years worth in Without warning, he meets her and she seduces him into her world and there, potential romance blossoms. As hard as Yusuke tries and wants to deny it, he is falling for Botan. Quickly and hard. But there are a few problems. One of them being Kurama, Botan's supposedly ex-lover. So how can anyone explain their accidental meetings and suspicious escapades? Kurama is aware of Botan's involvement with Yusuke and is quietly and slyly plotting to end it. By any means he sees necessary. 


End file.
